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More Songs About Buildings and Food

by anna at 07:39 PM on May 29, 2003

Word has it McDonald's has experienced a sharp downturn in traffic. I'm a bit surprised to hear this, since they've finally introduced an entree my touchy digestive system can handle---chicken salads.

These come highly recommended. Each features a niggardly amount of warm, tender chicken strips atop an eclectic array of greens, shaved carrots and cherry tomatoes. One boasts real chunks of bacon, not those awful salad-bar Bacon Bits. Portions are just right, enough to fill you up but not so much that you feel lethargic afterwards. I even delude myself into believing it's healthy cuisine.

But you know, it's always something. In this case it's the dressing. Don't get me wrong, I love Paul Newman's Ranch. Problem is they dole it out in this little packet that isn't quite enough to slather all over the salad. Then then chicken and bacon bits run out, leaving you with this pile of undressed greens. I feel like a rabbit rooting around in someone's garden eating this.

Once I mustered the temerity to request an extra packet. The cashier said it would cost me more, an offer I rebuffed on general principle. See, I hark back to the golden age of restaurant dining. When the customer was king and before the Doctrine of Portion Controlled Servings took hold. She glared at me as if I were a cheapskate, just as I did her for begrudging me sufficient salad dressing.

So there I slouch, poking at my pile of undressed greens with a cheesy plastic fork. I try to concentrate on my crossword to no avail. I'm so perturbed by the dressing issue that I can't even finish it. Then a revelation dawned on me. I'll strike a symbolic blow against corporate imperialism! With that I stand up and bolt, leaving my mess for somebody else to deal with. I could feel the burning eyes upon me. Before my furtive departure, this exchange took place:

Me: Doesn't it bother you that they don't provide enough salad dressing?
Other Patron: Not really. I put half of it on the top layer and save the rest for the bottom.
Me: But what about when there's no chicken left?
Other Patron: That never happens. I cut it up beforehand.
Me: With that cheesy plastic fork?
Other Patron: Dude, you ask a lot of questions.

Most of you young whippersnappers may not realize this, but this used to be the norm. You'd wolf down your greasy burger, freedom fries and leave your mess for the busboy to clean up. With any luck he might even wipe down the table. Then one day Mickey D's posted signs urging diners to bus their own tables. Other joints swiftly followed suit. Busboys were fired by the thousands. The downfall of Western civilization had commenced. Yet nary a peep of protest was heard.

Well, I'm not going along with it anymore. Now if y'all will just follow my lead and encourage others to do the same, we could force them to rehire those busboys. We'd curtail rising unemployment and moon Corporate America in one fell swoop. Sure, they'll pass the cost onto consumers but that's a price I'm willing to pay.

Are you with me on this?

comments (9)

Anna, I just realized I posted about Taco Bell right after this post about McDonalds. If there's one thing badsam members have in common, it's gourmet taste in cuisine...

Incidentally my roommate was eating one of those salads the other day, raving about it. I think the trick is to bring it home & use your own dressing... or keep dressing in your purs--uh, pocket... Anna...

by Linz at May 30, 2003 12:46 PM

Rehire busboys at fast food? Fuck that. They could hire another 100 million busboys but it wouldn't effect the bottom line of unemployment because they would all be UnderTheTable Mexicans and Southeast Asians. I love this post because I visualize you eating your elegant Mcdonald's salad kidding yourself that it's a healthy meal. I do like the advertisements for the salads too, something about, "what will they think of next? Valet Parking?" I would feel empathy(thinking about my parents) for immigrants from developmental economies who arrive still thinking that fast food truly is a super elegancy. My mother when she first came to the U.S., went to Burger King, and when asked to order, she said, "I'll have a burger king." because she had no fucking clue. This kills lockheed.

by LOCKHEED at May 30, 2003 4:23 PM


by Linz at May 30, 2003 4:55 PM

Thanx for the suggestion Linz but I'd have to bring it back to work and steal someone's dressing from the fridge. They hate it when I do that. And yeah, Lock's on a roll.

Interestingly this post was delayed in appearing. This usually means MG is afoot, manipulating the timing. Or maybe it was just some glitch.

by anna at May 30, 2003 6:09 PM

Yes, I agree. MG *is* a foot. A stinky one at that.

by Eviltom at May 30, 2003 7:30 PM

Indeed, MG is the diety, the Prime Mover of our little universe....

"Eddies in the space-time continuum." "Ah. Is he?"

by jean at May 31, 2003 1:29 AM

My fast food quirk is that I always throw my trash in their parking lot. I figure, the trash can at the end of the drive through lane is always packed IF it exists at all so why not just put the corporate trash back where it came from. In this way, some kid has to pick it up thus ensuring his employment. I know what your thinking, too, that would suck picking up trash in McDonald's parking lot. But when I worked at a burget joint, cleaning up the lot was no worse than cleaning the frier and was in many ways a nice break. It got me outdoors where no bosses were looking over my shoulder and I could take as long as I liked.

I don't toss trash out my car window just anywhere either, let's get that straight, I hate people who do that, but when it comes to littering, what could be more of an eyesore than a fastfood restaurant on every corner to begin with?

by eff at May 31, 2003 2:29 PM

Amen. That's what I was talking about. And it's funny to look back and think about those bygone days when people smoked indoors and tossed their trash wherever they pleased. It almost seems unthinkable today, but it happened in my lifetime. My dad used to toss bags of fast food trash out the window on the Interstate.

by anna at May 31, 2003 4:07 PM

I just might throw eggs at the Haagen Daz hole in the wall on Amsterdam Ave, 72nd and 73rd st. Though apparently, they say there is very little inflation in our country. Could've fooled lockheed! I have no problem paying for 'good' dessert, but to shell out $5.94 for a fucking "Rocky Road Dazzler" courtesy of some hole in the wall Haagen Daz is a fleecing so sinful, I mean, to pay that fucking much for some gawdy ass franchise ice cream, and I ain't the only one, some high brow jew lady with her granddaughter questioned the price of the "Rocky Road Dazzler" ya kidding? Worker explains that it is their biggest sunday with an extra scoop(oh, the extra labor for the extra scoop, lockheed get's it) (it's a fucking sunday basically that tastes good for two bites, then, unless you're in a fucking freezer or in Antartica in an igloo, the stuff melts and tastes like the leftovers of some Mcdonald's plebian sunday, or the leftover cereal milk from Cocoa Puffs) and I was so fucking embarrased and self-conscious that I was ordering something so indulgent and fatty and rip-offy that I pointed at the advertisement for it, instead of saying it aloud because the name is so classic franchise corny, and the indian(bombay) guy working said, "Rooky Road Dizzlah" in a lamb vindaloo accent. I might as well have swallowed six paper dry dollar bills topped with sprinkles or shit klondike bars for the love of god.

by LOCKHEED at June 2, 2003 9:36 PM

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