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Foolish heart, you made me weep

by effenheimer at 07:22 PM on May 04, 2003

Last week on Fox’s “Mr. Personality,” host Monica Lewinsky chastised the character of one of the show’s masked suitors for quitting the show before he could be kicked off by the woman doing the choosing. And he just let her. There must have been some kind of iron-clad contractual stipulation against slagging off Monica, because this guy didn’t say one word to her and he was a lawyer.

I’m "more or less" a “live and let live” kind of guy, I mean, I've got my opinions about this and that but who doesn't? If Monica Lewinsky wants to blow the president, it's probably a little hypocritical of us to criticize her since there are undoubtedly quite a few men and women who would do the same thing if given the chance.

But if Monica Lewinsky gave me any sass back, I’d flatten her. “You’re impugning me? Excuse me, but didn’t you fellate the president and keep the evidence in your closet, you fucking freak?! Don’t even make me mention how you ruined a perfectly good cigar, you nasty-ass thing.”

Speaking of bad Fox programming decisions, on May 11, catch the “Beverly Hills 90210 Reunion.” The show went off in 2000 so I guess it was time to find out what the world’s oldest high school seniors were up to. The short answer is NOTHING. The cast will instead talk about what a wonderful time they had the last time any of them worked and pretend it was socially relevant to watch each character get raped in turn. What gall. A reunion show? Even “M*A*S*H” didn’t have a reunion show until 25 years had passed and that show was a heapin’ helpin’ of socio-political goodness.

Besides being an insipid waste of time, “90210” also once featured an evil cultist named “Greg.” If you are going to come up with a name for a bad guy, you can do a whole lot better than “Greg.” I AM an evil Greg and even I’m not convinced. “Derek,” “Tim,” “Brad.” These are evil names.

A news story on my local Fox affiliate talked about senior citizens being at greater risk to cause accidents while driving. “Should seniors stay off the roads?” One lady said she had “earned the right to drive.” Yes, dear, but not to kill people by driving into their business.

Being old has nothing to do with ones driving skills per se. Everyone of all ages should be given a lie detector test with at least this one question on it, “Are you a crappy driver?” You know if you’re a bad driver. Some follow-ups might include: “Are you sure?”
“Do you ever pull up along side someone just to swear at them because they didn’t appear to enjoy the fact that you nearly plowed into them while talking on your cell phone?”
“Do you cut people off just to get in front of them at stop lights?”
“Do you do ANYTHING that ISN’T driving while driving? Talk on the phone? Eat? Apply makeup? Shave?”
“Can you see over the steering wheel?”
“Do you drive 10 miles an hour below the speed limit ... ever?”
“To get people in front of you to speed up, do you tailgate?”
“Did you take driver’s ed?”
“Have you seen ‘The Road Warrior’ more than 10 times in your life?”
“Do you have NASCAR decals on your car?”
“Are you from Nebraska?”
Questions like that.

Have girls really gone wild? According to some of the late night TV commercials I’ve seen, it would appear they have. Still, I suspect that the girls haven’t gone wild so much as they have just gotten drunk enough to put their self-esteem issues – and breasts – on display.

If your Italian father wants to become a citizen, one of the questions on the test should be “Do you plan to celebrate at The Olive Garden?” Because chances are if he does, you father isn’t really Italian. Report him to homeland security immediately because he is probably a member of Al Qaeda just pretending to be Italian. Olive Garden... Now THAT's Italian! Pphhhhhbbbbtt! The soup and salad lunch combo with a Sprite isn’t really the motivating concept behind Italian cuisine, Guido. I've had hot pockets that were more Italian than most of the Olive Garden's menu.

comments (9)

Hey sonny, stop stealing my schtick, or I'll fuck you up.

by Andy Rooney at May 4, 2003 10:39 PM

Wow, a whole stand-up routine in one bad sam post. I'm impressed.

by leaffin at May 5, 2003 1:30 AM

It's those NASCAR-related bumper stickers that make me wary. In memory of The Terminator! You've got to worry about any devotee of what I suspect is one oft-rerun tape of cars roaring around in circles with updated crash footage spliced in for variety's sake. And I guess I overlooked the cigar-wasting Lewinsky in my prior post. My bad.

by Anna at May 5, 2003 3:11 AM

hey, who you calling evil??

by (evil)tim at May 6, 2003 7:22 AM

I don't know if it's nationwide, but Cheesecake Factory also has to go down. It's supposedly Italian, and disgustingly popular in SoCal.

by jean at May 7, 2003 3:19 AM

"Oh my god i visited my cousins this summer in california and we to this place called The Cheesecake Factory and it was SOOOOO good I wish we had one around here. is that the kind of place that is a franchise but the average customer doesnt realize its a franchise?

by eff at May 7, 2003 10:45 AM

There is a cheesecake factory in Chi-town. I think there might be one in New York, too, but I can't be sure. I know we've got Olive Gardens - that was one of the most depressing discoveries. Eventually all of New York City will look just like a strip mall in any Midwestern town, only more expensive, crowded, and dirty.

by mg at May 7, 2003 11:10 AM

Let me just say that there is one thing we can all do to counter this food-chain trend: Boycott them. And if you do go to some fast food joint out of pure necessity, strike a blow against corporate power by boldly refusing to bus your own table. Leave the damn tray and wrappers there for someone else to deal with.

by Anna at May 8, 2003 7:59 AM

I ALWAYS toss my trash in the parking lot. I won't litter around town, but I always empty my trash in the lot of Mickey Ds or BK. I figure, I got the trash there so it is really their trash. By dumping it in their lot, one of their employees has to pick it up and I am ensuring some kid's job. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a hero.

by eff at May 8, 2003 10:31 AM

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