by anna at 01:04 PM on May 02, 2003
They say we live in a global village. And every village needs an idiot. So today we’ll be discussing some likely contenders for the esteemed title of Global Village Idiot for this 21st and Final Century.
Magician David Blaine: Anyone who’d freeze himself in a block of ice outside Rockefeller Center warrants serious consideration. For his next stunt he intends to walk to China. No word on whether the SARS epidemic might have altered those plans; or whether he’d agree to stay there permanently.
French President Jacques Chirac: For years this blowhard advocated lifting the sanctions on Iraq. Now that we’ve deposed the brutal dictator, he’s had a slight change of heart.
Lovebirds Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson: I just don’t like his whole faux redneck shtick. And anymore she just seems so...gaudy. I feel sorry for their kids.
Slobodan Milosevic: This former Serbian strongman now nothing got hauled off to The Hague and thrown in world jail. His trial is currently taking place at the World Court and is projected to last forever.
Robert DeNiro: He won acclaim for his stellar performances in Taxi Driver and Raging Bull. But nowadays it seems he’ll accept just about any crappy role. Much the same could be said of fellow nominee Dustin Hoffman since his Oscar-worthy turn in Rain Man.
Rosie O’Donnell: This whack job quits her cozy talk show gig to start a magazine. She immediately antagonizes everyone associated with the project. Rosie promptly folds. She’s now reduced to hosting Kid’s Choice Award shows on Nickelodeon.
John McEnroe: You can't be serious! This washed-up gasbag challenged Serena and/or Venus Williams to a tennis match. Anyone who’s seen the punishment these ladies exact on a tennis ball knows he wouldn’t stand a chance. Can you say 6-0, 6-0?
Anna Kournikova: This chick plays tennis for a living, yet has never advanced beyond the semifinals of a major singles tournament. Reportedly she also table-danced for heartthrob Julio Iglesias in a club.
Brian Mitchell and Wanda Barzee: Hey, at least they look the part.
Rev Al Sharpton: His insistence on being taken seriously as a presidential hopeful despite a dearth of experience in governmental affairs threatens to make the 2004 election even more of a travesty than 2000's debacle. Plus, like fellow nominee and adulterer Jesse Jackson, he’s got that unique ability to interject hateful racial politics into any debate.
Kiss and Aerosmith: Will these geezers ever go away?
Tony Randall: He fathered a child at age 72, when his life expectancy was 9.4 years.
Tom Brokaw: A highly paid news anchor who can’t enunciate the letter “L.”
Mohammed Aseed al-Sahaf: The Iraqi spokesman who assured viewers that their army was successfully repelling the infidel invaders even as US tanks cruised the streets of Baghdad unopposed.
Def Sec Donald Rumsfeld and AG John Ashcroft: These two have come to embody what many overseas perceive as smug American arrogance. Practically every time they open their yaps something patently offensive comes out.
Any and all NASCAR fans who’d boo Jeff Gordon during his inevitable victory lap.
Porn star Houston: She let 500 guys bang her in one day. That’s gotta hurt!
NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg: He quits his job as a tycoon to succeed Saint Rudolph Guiliani, a tough act to follow if ever there was one. He then endeared himself to the citizenry by banning smoking everywhere.
And last but not least, baby-dangler and all-around twit Michael Jackson. (You’ll note I left Bubba Clinton off the list. To include that fool would be an insult to village idiots.)
Feel free to vote often and early for your favorites. Or else nominate your own candidate. I’ll then tally up the results and together we’ll thorny-crown a winner.
Definetely David Blaine. Except for one thing. He probably makes a good amount of money/networking. Aside from that: Histrionics is annoying as all hell. Socrates used to walk bare feet in the winter lands while the other greek soldiers cuddled with each other and moaned about the weather, that's histrionics, but Socrates was actually 'positively contributed' to the world with his histrionics. Histrionicity is the clinical term for one who pathologically seeks attention at all costs. Cousin to Narcissism. Blaine should take sponsor money for his walk to China and donate all of it to a proper charity. That would good for the world and for his pr. A win, win situation. I'd donate to that, maybe give the proceeds, if he makes it to China, to the children of UNICEF, not the administration of UNICEF, but the children. Hah? Imagine that, a Charitable Organization that actually filters the bulk of it's money to the cause it uses as a guise. How revolutionary. Now, to elect my own candidate for the Rogue Gallery, in the next comment...
by LOCKHEED at May 2, 2003 11:09 PM
At the Lincoln Center, some old lady beggar asked for a well to do woman for change:
BEGGAR: Maam, can you spare me some money so I can eat?
LADY: I don't have any change, but I do have this bag of popcorn. Here.
BEGGAR: Oh, that's just junk food, I don't take that." And the beggar gives the lady a mean look and walks off. This Beggar gets my vote for the Village Idiot.
by LOCKHEED at May 2, 2003 11:14 PM
I'd say Jacques Chirac, but I don't think he would last long in the village in my head. He's to annoying. David Blaine is more like it. Geez, they get more and more boring. I LOVED his card tricks and the levitate thing (although I guess that's not new), but a block of ice? Walk to China? Who gives a shit? That's just slightly more interesting than NASCAR. I could vote for NASCAR fans in general, but there'd be too many idiots in the village. Don't forget to turn left!
by Tom at May 3, 2003 7:17 AM
Let me cast my vote not for Lock's beggar, who's circumstance we don't know, but for the well-to-do lady who offered her popcorn.
by Anna at May 3, 2003 8:23 AM
No wait, I won't waste my vote on little miss Let Them Eat Cake. Now that I remember Blaine's stunt where he just stood on a ledge for days, I'll go with him. Either that or Fear Factor host Joe Rogan.
by Anna at May 3, 2003 9:20 AM
DITTO. We don't know the Well-to-do Ladie circumstance either. In fact, the only circumstance I know is Lockheed's and close loved ones. Jeepers, do I have to cast thy beam out of my own eyes again and again? FUCK THAT. Baby sneezes, mommy pleases, daddy breezes in... so good on paper... so romantic... so bewildering... I know nothing stays the same, but if you're willing to play the game... it's coming around again. OH SHIT. I'm not Willing.
by LOCKHEED at May 3, 2003 2:14 PM
Although I don't know the circumstances of her job-hopping, I would like to vote to *remove* Rosie from the list. Anyone who comes out to the world and still manages to host the Kid's Choice Awards is a winner in my book.
by Leaffin at May 3, 2003 5:16 PM
Consider it done. Rosie out. But there's still plenty to choose from. And for the vote to be statistically valid we need a double-figure tally.
by Anna at May 4, 2003 4:18 PM