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We call it riding the gravy train

by anna at 07:08 PM on April 16, 2003

Lockheed asks what it is I do for a living. I adjust worker's comp claims, which mostly entails humdrum matters. But there are times when it gets quite interesting. I'll share a few here.

You might have heard of the OxyContin epidemic sweeping the nation. All my clients gulp down this drug like candy. One runs through $10,000 worth every month. Another admitted to stealing his doc's prescription pad to get more dope. Which isn't too surprising when you consider that OxyContin fetches a $1 per milligram on the street. One pill ranges from 20 to 80 milligrams.

I handle the most serious cases, where there's no expectation that they'll ever work again. Most of these folks have severe psychiatric problems, including conversion disorders. This means there is nothing medically wrong with them but they've convinced themselves that there is. One guy who tore a ligament in his knee has sat speechless in his wheelchair for seven years as a result of this imaginary disorder.

And yes, we do check them out now and again. We filmed one chick hauling her paralyzed adult daughter down a flight of stairs wrapped in a sheet. She then carried her wheelchair down to the sidewalk, propped her daughter up in it and loaded her into the car. They then sped off to parts unknown. She'd been on disability since 1977. The judge was less than amused.

Our longer term clients try to get all buddy-buddy with us, a practice the company frowns upon. We're encouraged to keep them at arms length. First names are forbidden. Which isn't to say that friendships don't develop. I had one injured cashier who was between homes. Thus she'd show up at our office every week for her check. She'd sashay along dressed in a most improbable getup like this. As I issued her check, she'd lean over my desk in a provacative manner. Jaws would drop. Drools would flow. Work would come to a standstill.

After her case was settled for a large sum of money we embarked on a torrid if short-lived affair. During pillow talk she confessed that her whole case hd been a scam.

These slackers are the exception to the rule. Most of my clients have sustained legitimate manifest injuries. In one case a guy was bent over to paint a baseboard on a barn. Out of nowhere came charging a goat that proceeded to impale the painter on his horn. He endured a mechanical bullish ride that lasted just seconds but must have seemed like a torturous eternity. It doesn't get any more heinous than that.

But my favorite was the 32 year old partial quadraplegic who approached me about settling his case. He took his $800,000 windfall and purchased an abandoned race track. There he stages races featuring paraplegic, quadraplegic and brain-damaged drivers barelling around the track at breakneck speeds. Seems people's morbid curiousity knows no bounds.

He has sent me pictures of him beaming in the winner's circle with hot babes draped all over him. How's that for a heartwarming tale?

comments (8)

For some reason, the para-quadra-etc palegic Race Track imagery, I picture it in a jaunty, choppy, stop-motion, Benny Hill-esque fashion, them racing around in rather old style stockcars, and for some reason, it's overcast out, or the imagery is in black and white, but it's hilarious... Lockheed was just wondering if I could SUE the man for not letting Me race in his races, because I have use of all my limbs?

by LOCKHEED at April 16, 2003 8:02 PM

That is some sort of beauty, right there.

by jean at April 17, 2003 1:34 AM

From what this guy has told me, the races are much like regular NASCAR. The cars whizz by very fast and drunken rednecks cheer on their faves. But there are more crashes, which may be why it has gotten so popular.

by Anna at April 17, 2003 7:49 AM

I'd say these stories are worth the humdrum days. Especially the scamming vixen story...

by Linz at April 17, 2003 9:59 AM

Anna, are these races in our vicinity? That would be a hoot I think to get brewed up and go see one. Rub elbows with the redneck set. Fun, fun!

by Ezy at April 17, 2003 3:51 PM

No, alas, they are in Florida. But it does occur to me that many of us could probably qualify as brain-damaged and thus race there. And Jean,could you elaborate? What is some sort of beauty? Lastly, is MG not conspicuous in his absence? If the cat's away the mice will play.

by Anna at April 17, 2003 6:50 PM

Nope it's in Florida. But it does occur to me that soem of us could qualify as brain-damaged and race. Jean could you elaborate as to what is so beautiful? And lastly, where's MG? When the cat's away the mice will play.

by Anna at April 17, 2003 6:53 PM

That's sad news Anna. That would've been fun.

Where the hell is MG? Probably writing a paper and can't be distracted I'd guess.

by Ezy at April 18, 2003 9:45 AM

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