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The Bonnet Situation

by effenheimer at 03:04 PM on April 16, 2003

In junior high, Mike had a girlfriend who wore bonnets to school every day. Now, mind you, this was about 1980 and bonnets were not what you would call “conventionally” cool at the time. Unlike leg warmers, for instance. I don’t know if she was Amish, a big fan of “Little House on the Prairie” or if she time-travelled from from 1880, but she wore bonnets, OK, and that raised eyebrows and questions. Mostly the other kids just made fun of her and Mike. When the pressure got to be too much, Bonnet girl dumped Mike.
Kirk never made fun of Mike but he was, like everyone else, extremely curious about the bonnet situation. One day, Kirk decides that, as Mike’s buddy, he is entitled to ask, in all earnestness, “What IS the deal with the bonnets?”
So Mike pops Kirk in the kisser tout suite without so much as a “by your leave.” Needless to say, this did not sit well with Kirk who began to immediately plan his revenge.
In those days there were two very similar products on the market. One was called Chiclets; small, candy-coated pieces of square gum. The other product was a popular form of highly potent laxative that came in small, candy-coated square pieces of gum. They were identical products and nobody at the Food and Drug Administration seemed to notice or care. As the story goes, Kirk, in his bitterness, went to the drugstore and the next day at lunch, offered Mike as much gum as he could chew. It was customary for chewers of the laxative gum to have one or two pieces based on the seriousness of the problem, but it was customary of chewers of Chiclets to chew quite a few more than that, let’s say.
As Mike depleted the flavor in one piece, he would ask for another only to be obliged by his good friend Kirk whose heart burned with the fires of revenge.
The next day, Mike was not to be seen. In fact, he was out for some time. Depending on the time Kirk told the story, it was anywhere from a day to a week or more. Regardless, Mike spent at least one night gripping the thunder bucket with all his might. His experience surely left him dehydrated and suffering from sleep deprivation since he could not leave the toilet for more than a few minutes at a time. Payback for raising his hand to a friend.
If there is a moral to this story, I think it is this: If you are going to go out with a girl who wears bonnets, don’t be so sensitive about it. So endeth the lesson.

comments (7)

In high school a hot blonde Bostonian popped up. She was the one I referenced in the prior post that was into pearl necklaces. But one day she showed up with jet black hair that looked preposterous. Then she dyed it pink. I caved to peer pressure and dumped her. Bad move.

by Anna at April 16, 2003 6:17 PM

How can you go from black to pink? It doesn't seem possible.

by MrBlank at April 16, 2003 6:24 PM

what you need are lots of bleach and a desire to feel your scalp tingle (in a bad way) for a long time.

by leaffin at April 16, 2003 6:56 PM

I think that's super dorky kewl for her to be wearing bonnets. and I'd definetely stick up for her.

by LOckheed at April 16, 2003 7:57 PM

Wow. The world is more sinister than I had previously believed...

by Linz at April 17, 2003 10:00 AM

Actually I've thought back and what happened was I criticized the change from blonde to black. When she tried to put it back like it was it turned out this weird shade of pink. This was before they had the more sophisticated dyes of today.

by Anna at April 19, 2003 1:51 PM

So...what was the deal with the bonnets?

by tim at April 21, 2003 7:46 AM

comments are closed