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The Adventures of Cat Woman

by anna at 03:01 PM on April 27, 2003

At my office there's a mysterious department known as SLG. No one knows what it stands for or what they do. All we do know is that SLG applicants must be uber-hot, fresh out of college and dumb as rocks.

One in particular springs to mind. Meet former SLG employee-cum-model Claudia. Cross Monica Belluci with Thumbelina and you'd have this wisp of a chick. She's blessed with these impossibly high cheekbones, a swan's neck and a waiflike waist.

SLG is situated between the rest of our office and the mailroom. As guys would saunter by her desk under the flimsy pretense of checking their mail, their heads would crane to give her a good looking-over. She'd look up and flash a devilish smile, which only encouraged heavier traffic. The worn carpet told the tale. Management was not amused and took steps to halt it. They actually hung a No Loitering sign outside her cubicle.

My boss is a staid, older guy not prone to outbursts of exuberence. Yet when we were talking in the hallway and Claudia came sashaying by, he gasped, "Oh....my.....god" loudly enough for her to hear. See, as ZZ Topp put it, she had a west coast strut that was sweet as molasses.

On Halloween she donned this skimpy cat getup underneath a trench coat. She purred, "Hi I'm Claudia and I'm a cat---meow. Then she lost the coat and twirled around suggestively. This was greeted by a thunderous round of applause that guaranteed her first prize. Much grumbling was heard from runners-up who' crafted more imaginative costumes.

They'd dangled a pinata from the ceiling. Two volunteers took a crack at it but failed to bust it open. Enter Claudia, exuding all the confidence of a seasoned pinata-busting pro. The office manager blindfolded her gingerly so as to avoid any untoward touching allegations. But when it came time to twirl her around he was left with no choice but to lay hands on her. She grabs the bat and gives that pinata a mighty wallop worthy of Barry Bonds. Candy spewed everywhere. At first she daintily bends at her waist to pick up Snickers and Skittles, giving the audience an ample glimpse of her assets. Then she drops to her knees and begins scooping up candy by the handful. All male eyes except for mine were riveted to her. I was distracted by the visible bulge in the manager's pants. He was clearly having one of those Southwest Airlines "wanna get away?" moments.

As the festivities wound down it occured to me that I faced a similar dilemma. As I trudged back to my desk, a coworker whispered, "Looks like you enjoyed that a little too much." Busted! "Well, you have to admit she had a helluva swing for a girl," I stammered.

Yes, like Jimmy Carter, I have lusted if only in my heart. So where's my Nobel Peace Prize?

comments (13)

speaking of sexy cats, there are some interesting pictures of Jen X that I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post or not.

by mg at April 28, 2003 3:32 PM

Well if it's up to me the answer is by all means, yes.

by Anna at April 28, 2003 6:16 PM

So I read Eff's post about the homo-erotic imagery in Top Gun and then reread mine. Then it occurs to me that this business about being momentarily distracted from Cat Woman by my manager's raging hard-on must have conveyed homo-erotic overtones too. It wasn't that way, I can assure you. Well, maybe just a little...

by Anna at April 28, 2003 6:47 PM

Fucking Homos. All the rage again. Would somebody shut them up? A lot of Russian and Black Homos in Manhattan love me. Fat black women love me too. Lesbians dig me, because they like my tattoo equation consisting of pornographic well detailed black and greywash inked roman goddesses. A lot of rich manhattan Jewish women love me too, invite me to some Long Island debauchery, (the jewish women who call themselves jews but who are not, a la, Jeshua Christos, but I show them that I'm taken by a simple, kindhearted small town blue collar lady, and that bond trading doesn't necessarily equate to bankroll(think: slot machine from 720am to 2pm cst. you moneygrubbing whorebags, you give a bad name to women, and my cock wouldn't get you there in the first place, it's only about 5 inches erect). Model scouts seem to harass me all the time too, I refuse to eat in Soho these days, LOCKHEED don't got time to pose for some camera, or audition for some fucking reality dating show, or be a stand in for Keanu Reeves in Matrix 3(they said it would be a full time position, low pay, but EXPOSURE) Ooh, the last thing I need is Exposure to a bunch of fucknut Jews in Hollywood, in some two bit sequel without any speaking roles.

Some Sardonic Dominance in my life, I guarantee LINZ would fall head over heels for me in person, and that's absolutely hilarious. If she's so wishy-washy, she'd want to hit the sack with me in my upperwestside studio, but I'd have to say no. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so good looking, because it makes me feel guilty, I mean, I'd rather be a standard boring looking non-masculine Asian man who generates a STABLE income, and can protect his lady. Yes, that is what I wish I was. Is it too late? Yes. Everyone feels threatened by me just because of the aura I have, but i'm damned goodhearted, I rant, I rant, to you fellow badsemites... because I hate to see and hear, when I step out onto the BroadWay.

by LOCKHEED at April 28, 2003 7:48 PM

Sorry, didn't catch this earlier; if you'd like to post 'em, MG, by all means. :)

by Jen X at April 29, 2003 3:11 PM

"I guarantee LINZ would fall head over heels for me in person"

I only like nice people. If you mean, you ugly.

= P

by Linz at April 29, 2003 4:39 PM

:( Still don't get it? Well, it should be apparent to you now, fellow BadSemite, that LOCKHEED is actually the 'farthest' thing from racist/bigotted/mean, etc. And that he is a TRULY NICE person. Because most of the REAL Racists and Mean people in the world, are the ones who go out of their way to be POLITCALLY CORRECT in everything they do, say, don't do, and don't say, because they have to make up for their CONFLICTING inner fright and hatred. Beggars in NYC come in all colors and sexes, and I usually offer them a cigarette if I don't have change to spare. And you know, I give them money sometimes, just to fight racism. Because I'll tell you, when a handsome Asian guy on the UpperWestSide gives a black or white bum some money, they're usually surprised, and so I make them less racist towards Asians, at least for the day, until they need their alcohol/heroine fill again. As a sidenote: Come to think of it, I've never been asked for change by an Asian in NYC, do Asian Beggars Exist? Or are we too proud and fucking diligent and not lazy? And I'm sick of those fucking kids who steal carts of M&M's, and try to sell them to you at exorbitantly inflated prices, always saying,(since they are black), that they need to raise money for their BASKETBALL team. I swear to fuck, I'd give them three dollars for every fucking M&M, if they said, "I'm trying to raise money for inner city EDUCATION."

Not that I'm saying you're truly evil, Linz. In fact, I'm just rabble rousing. No kidding. huh. But, you want to Love Lockheed, I know. And you'll eventually find a way. EVILTOM would probably agree with me on this comment.

by LOCKHEED at April 29, 2003 5:09 PM

Oh, as for part of the above comment about Asian/Bum Philanthropy, I guess most people, not just bums, are suprised to see a "handsome" asian guy, let alone when one gives money to a lazy bum. Ha, MAYBE that's why they look surprised. Probably don't give a shit what color you are, as long as you feed them. I just wonder why they don't kill themselves. What's one more penny going to do? It's not like anyone cares about them, or depends on them for anything, hell, I'd definitely kill myself if nobody cared or depended on me.

by LOCKHEED P.S. at April 29, 2003 5:19 PM

I can't follow this thread. And on top of that, wouldn't you know this post has me in hot wateron the home front?

by Anna at April 29, 2003 5:58 PM

*grin* You're surprised that your wife isn't
totally thrilled to hear you were getting a boner
over some chick at work? Yeah, I can see why. ;)

by Jen X at April 29, 2003 6:39 PM

Sorry, Anna, about the Achille Lauro style thread hijacking, something about Homo Attraction in your post went off into all the standard woodwork issues, and things being the ying to your yang, town and country magazine has some publicity stunt about Audrey Hepburn to promote her son's upcoming book about the aforementioned deceased. I didn't buy it, because frankly, it was just another UNICEF soliciting--- SORRY. I did it again, this time Muammar Ghadafi style. About your wife getting all upset, man, was it because she doesn't like SKITTLES? I wonder if the iraqi children made funny sour faces when they ate their first skittles, and I wonder if they enjoyed getting their hands all colorful and sticky. We need more POSTS. I think your WIFE should start crank calling the SLG department at work, I'm surprised nobody commented on what that acronym might mean, maybe because it would be so easy and cliched to say something like, the SLUTTY LOOSE GIRL department, or the Palestinian Liberation Organization, except only the second letter would make any logical sense, SEXY LITIGATION GAL, basically, I'm just trying to get your wife even more jealous about CLAUDIA the CAT, who'd I beat with a baseball bat, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh-oh.

by LOCKHEED(oops) at April 29, 2003 7:48 PM

Lockheed, I really can't judge whether you're mean or not. I can't make any conclusions about you. I want to love you though, you are right on that. I want to love everyone. It's just hard because some people are so stupid.

by Linz at May 1, 2003 3:14 PM

Maybe sometimes we squabble and forget why we're here: To express our own wildly disparate viewpoints and entertain one another.

by Anna at May 1, 2003 8:11 PM

comments are closed