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When It's Ass, You Know It's Ass

by anna at 07:20 PM on March 11, 2003

I am an avid sports fan. I follow the Redskins, who've been raiding rival teams' talent with impunity. I also follow the Wizards i.e. Michael Jordan. I agonized when he and his hapless mates dropped a heartbreaker to the Knicks last weekend. But this post isn't about sports per se.

Mike Piaza plays catcher for the Mets. He has had to fend off rumors that he allows other men to bugger him. You don't hear about many gay sports heroes, aside from figure skaters. Which isn't to put down gays, it's just that athletics generally isn't their forte.

A friend of mine we'll call Ben Dover faced a similar problem. He sported an earring in his left ear years before they became fashionable for men. Soon he was being accosted by strange men in rest rooms and getting goosed in crowded elevators. He found these developments so unnerving that he sought my advice. Evidently no one had told him about the "gay ear" deal. He fumed with homophobic rage.

My how times have changed. Gays have made great strides in today's society. They can marry in Vermont. Many companies allow domestic partners to gain health insurance. They need only attest to cohabitation and an intention to look out for one another's welfare. This is only fair and long overdue.

Indeed, some would espouse the notion that we're all gay to a certain extent. In other words, no guy would pass up an opportunity to salad-toss Brad Pitt. Likewise, any red-blooded gal would leap at the chance to carpet-munch Denise Richards. Wouldn't you?

I'm fine with all this. But I view the sports page as my refuge from the constant onslaught of gender-bending ambiguity. I can spend hours poring over box scores and sports statistics. So just imagine my consternation at running across imagery like this in my local mainstream newspaper.

What do these pictures say to you? Let your imagination run wild.

comments (16)

Or don't.

by Anna at March 11, 2003 9:10 PM

Finally! A man who pretended to be a women online for... he only knows how long... supports me when I say that wrestling is homosexual...

by LostSoul at March 11, 2003 10:46 PM

You know, me and Eviltom were at a bar last weekend that was showing wrestling on the TVs. Greco Roman Wrestling. Naked Greco Roman Wrestling. Naked Greco Roman Wrestling in a bath house. Neither of us thought it was gay, but he had his hand in my lap at the time, so maybe I wasn't paying too much attention to what was on the TV.

by mg at March 11, 2003 11:29 PM

That naked wrestling was mesmerizing. For the life of me, I couldnt figure out why those guys didnt get cauliflower testicles.

by Eviltom at March 11, 2003 11:59 PM

Speaking of which, there are so many sports that would be better if the participants were naked. For example, naked penis fencing. How 'bout some clean and jerk, anyone? (Note to self... consider re-naming jerk and clean.) Let's not forget about women's sports... let's see... swimming, breast stroke, of course. Oh, dont forget about rhythmic gymnastics. Did you know that trampoline is an official olympic sport? Yeah! No kidding... you can look it up. Anyway, naked trampoline would be the shit.

by Eviltom at March 12, 2003 12:10 AM

Back in college, the women's swim team would have an annual naked practice, where they would do backstroke. We also used their steam room once after a meet, because ours was broken and basically we wanted them to keep their swimsuits on. I never did like the swimmer woman's body, it's always jacked and googly. I'm waiting for a post involving the MOAB and Freedom Fries. Suprised it hasn't been mentioned yet. And we were singing, bye, bye miss afghanistan pie... rode the camel to the... yeah, you got the point. Can we also talk about the yellow HUMMER commercial?

by LOCKHEED at March 12, 2003 1:16 AM

*thinks about what it would be like to carpet munch Reese Witherspoon*

by Lucy at March 12, 2003 1:17 AM

Tonight we rented White Oleander w/ Michelle Pfeiffer and Renee Zellweger. Which might explain why I woke up @ this ungodly hour alone on the couch. That movie was so boring. Those two should have Greco-wrestled nekked inside a yellow Hummer or else on a trampoline.

by Anna at March 12, 2003 3:33 AM

I think people have been force-fed too much Freudian bullshit.
I look at those pictures, and I see two guys wrestling; it's animalistic behavior just like rams butting heads. The will to dominate is still encoded in the human brain--professional sports would not exist without it. Professional sports afford genetic freaks the opportunity to beat on one another without going to jail. That's the point; put these highly competitive beasts in a ring, on a field or a court and watch what happens. That's why the WNBA sucks: there's too much fucking hugging. It's not about having a good time, it's about demoralizing others en route to victory. These people need to hit and be hit, but it's a relatively recent phenomenon to make all of these activities seem gay (Thank you, Critical Theory)!
Lo siento, pero I'm not tossing any Pitt salads...and if Denise Richards is dumb enough to marry Charlie Sheen, she doesn't deserve to be a carpet-munchee. I'd throw a shot in her, though.

by douchenation at March 12, 2003 4:27 AM

Douche's point about Richards marrying Sheen is well taken. Isn't she a tad worried about contracting chlamydia or worse, genital warts?

by Anna at March 12, 2003 7:58 AM

funny how two men rolling around grabbing each others testicles can be considered gay. and also funny how wrestling hazing usually involves sticking something up the rookies' asses.
that said, i think it takes some serious testicular fortitude for straight guys to wrestle nowadays. they have to be totally secure with their sexuality, because of how easy it is point at them with their face another guy's crotch and say, "dude, that's hella gay!"

by JC at March 12, 2003 12:13 PM

Anna, I have to confess it was easier for me seeing terms like "carpet munching" from you when I thought you were a woman.

by Linz at March 12, 2003 1:58 PM

Gay gay gay...that's all I ever hear these days. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a laser hair removal appointment.

by douchenation at March 12, 2003 3:02 PM

JC, it's even tougher for gay guys. One guy I knew tried out for wrestling and he confessed to me that he found himself sporting wood (sorry, Linz) halfway through the match.

by Anna at March 12, 2003 6:39 PM

ah, like being a heterosexual male cheerleader...

by JC at March 25, 2003 11:49 AM

To any one in India, where naked wrestling or any other sport is a taboo, all this looks very tantalising. Recently I saw videos of naked wrestling through internet and enacted the same with one of my friends and really I think I got the best fun.
I think one should have the best of both the worlds - gay or otherwise.


by VIJAY SINGH at September 17, 2005 5:13 AM

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