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the hurt gets worse and the heart gets harder

by mg at 03:14 PM on March 11, 2003

Guy asks:

I’m lonely and I need money and I have no self-respect. What shall I do?

What? Hey, I’m lonely, need money, and have no respect. Have I been Memento-ing out, and been sending myself emails again? Wasn’t the star of Memento Guy Pierce? This is all a little too weird.

Okay, assuming this isn’t me sending emails to myself, I do have some bad advice for you, based on some news I read over the weekend. Did you hear about the “human shields” that went to Iraq to protest the war? About 200 people from around the world went to Baghdad last month to station themselves at potential military targets, based on the belief that war is wrong and under the delusion that any U.S. led military action would be called off for fear of killing any white people.

Their belief in a peaceful resolution is so great they are willing to risk their lives. Well, not exactly. Most of the human shields that traveled to Iraq have already left the country. See, they didn’t actually want to position themselves in front of any genuine targets. Those anti-war types tenuous grasp on reality has the U.S. bombing hospitals and schools, the Iraqis know better. And when Iraqi officials asked the human shields to actually shield something that might need shielding, most of the human shields decided they didn’t really care enough to risk their lives after all and high tailed it out of the country.

Apparently the force of their convictions is only strong enough to risk their lives if their lives aren’t in any actual danger.

So, there is now a huge hole in Iraq protecting areas that will soon be huge holes. Since you’re unloved, unemployed, and lacking in self-respect why not volunteer to be a human shield that’ll truly shield something? Here is how moving to Iraq and being a human shield will solve all your problems:

Unloved: Little children in Iraq are conditioned to hate anyone who isn’t Iraq. Heck, children in Iraq are pretty much hate everyone, even other Iraqis, how else could they not bat an eye as the thousands of Kurdish were murdered? But, hey, if you go out there and risk your life to protect theirs, they’ll refrain from yelling “Down with America” and “White Devil,” at least while you’re within earshot.

Unemployment: What better career choice than picking a job that a) could possibly get you kill, b) will probably get you killed, c) will almost definitely get you killed, and d) even if it doesn’t get you killed, it probably wont last more than a couple days? But, at least you can forget all your monetary problems, currently one American dollar is worth about four Iraqi Dinars, so you bring your pittance of a life savings with you, and you can live like a king.

Self-Respect: What can be better way to feel better to devote yourself to a cause worthy enough that dozens of people are willing to risk their lives for. Well, a cause not strong enough to risk their own life, but at least strong enough to inspire me to urge you to risk your life for. You’ll become a martyr, and your place in history will be guaranteed. At least until the Yanks storm in – you know how they always say the victors write the history.

And, if you somehow managed to come out of all this alive, you’ve still got a great future ahead of you. When the U.S. army (without or without the support of those pansies in the U.N.) marches into Iraq and picks you up as a traitor to your country you’ll get a fantastic trip to Guantanamo Bay. You know how few Americans get a chance to visit Cuba? Sure, it isn’t winter anymore, but it’ll still just be late March by the time the U.S. reaches Baghdad, and a free trip to the Caribbean in early spring is something I sure as hell wouldn’t turn down.

Hope that helped Guy. I’m sure it didn’t. Get some Bad Advice. Read the past advice.

comments (29)

MG, you are so convincing that if I were lonely, needed money and/or had no self-respect I would definitely cam-whore my way through life.

by Lucy at March 11, 2003 5:17 PM

I'm going to hope it's because the site's been hopelessly sluggish the past couple days and not because I'm way off base with the above advice that no ones graced the comments section yet.

by mg at March 11, 2003 5:18 PM

Uh, what I really meant to say was that I'd join the Human Shield organization thingy. Yeah.

by Lucy at March 11, 2003 5:18 PM

And here it was I was hoping you were lonely, in need of loving and some self-respect and I'd get to see you touch yourself on cam for a couple items off your Amazon wishlist.

by mg at March 11, 2003 5:25 PM

I'm not naming names but a certain one we learned recently had definite cam-potential. So exotic! As for human shields, I'll tell you who'll be doing that gig soon: UN weapons inspectors. Ha!

by Anna at March 11, 2003 6:19 PM

Actually, since the chances of the U.S. getting the U.N. to go along with its asinine, self-serving, arrogant plans for "regime change" in Iraq seem to be 1 in 5,875, perhaps the best way for the U.N to tell the U.S. to stuff it is to leave the U.N. inspectors in country.

Perhaps the U.S. government would listen to what the majority of the world is saying then. The pariah state with the illegitimate leader is next door to my country, not across the globe.

by CanadianCommenter at March 11, 2003 6:53 PM

Maybe you got the wrong idea from my comment, Canadian. My point is that the inspectors show no sign of leaving, are poking around in prime bombing targets yet still there's talk of imminent war. Imagine the international outcry if an errant bomb took them out! Pariah is the right word.

by Anna at March 11, 2003 7:36 PM

CanadianCommenter, I don't expect people to use their real name, but leave an email address if you expect anyone to take you seriously. But, since you did decide to comment, it is certain that the U.N. will pass some version of the U.S. resolution. Will military action still be asinine then? What'll change if it isn't? Second, the last time the weapons inspectors left Iraq it was in reaction to some impending U.N. bombing runs. Thirdly, the majority of the world isn't saying "don't go to war." Maybe in your head you'd like to think that, but it'd be as untrue as saying the rest of the world is behind this war just because the U.N. resolution will pass. This is all about politics. Just look at the three nations most opposed to action in Iraq, France, Germany and Russia. These three countries all have much more to gain by retaining the status quo in Iraq then the United States has to gain in changing it. Fourthly, please she the fuck up about the 2000 election already. The final official ballot count in Florida had Bush leading the votes. Several unofficial ballot counts were conducted after the impartial Supreme Court's decision, and each of them, even those conducted by groups hostile to Bush, had him still leading the vote counts. Again, I know it's easier to believe that President Bush stole the election, but that just isn't true. The facts are out there and you are wrong. If we're talking about dictators, only someone so incredibly biased would say Bush is worse than Saddam, someone who, since we're talking about human shields, kidnapped Brittish and American citizens living in Kuwait prior to his invasion of that country 12 years ago and forcibly used them as human shields at Iraqi miliatry targets.

by mg at March 11, 2003 11:56 PM

I'd die for certain causes, but I'd live to regret it.

by LOCKHEED at March 12, 2003 1:06 AM

Yeah, in case any of those human shield cocksuckers stumble in here...FUCK YOU, courtesy of Douchenation.
Remeber that movie Mars Attacks? Remember all the bargaining and the peace rallies and that stupid New Age bitch with the crystals and her new, post-alcoholic outlook? And the Martians just exploited the pussification of America, wiping out virtually the entire U.S. government and urban populations? And everyone was consumed with appeasement and making excuses for the enemy--no matter how flagrant and violent the acts? Am I the only one drawing parallels between this movie and the current world crises? Rent it...it's a very stupid but prophetic film.

by douchenation at March 12, 2003 4:54 AM

Not to be redundant, but ol' Lockheed has been on an insight roll of late. How the hell do you think if this stuff? And I will rent the flick.

by Anna at March 12, 2003 7:33 AM

Am I the only person around here that doesn't sport a Rush is Right bumper sticker???

by Linz the Lone Liberal at March 12, 2003 10:31 AM

Personally, I think Rush Limbaugh, and most of the people who listen to his show, are as big tools as the "Cannadian Commenter." How come anyone not in the peace movement is immediately thought to be a rightest war-monger, yet when someone is so obviously as biased the other way we are supposed to respect their opinions? I'm sorry but the fact that you still falsely believe that George Bush stole the election will never be a valid reason not to go to war - if Al Gore had won the election, would war be okay then? Did you know Gore's running mate has been a pretty steadfast proponent of entering Iraq, as has liberal poster-gal Hillary Clinton? If that's all someone is going to bring to the arguement, how am I supposed to take anything else they say seriously?

by mg at March 12, 2003 11:00 AM

Canadian Commenter, you should be very glad we are you neighbors. At least you know you're safe. You're welcome.

Do you think that every dispute can be solved peacefully? You want to talk about asinine. Get your head out of the clouds and look at the world around you. Peace, love and hair grease, as cool as it would be, isn't going to cut it. Some people will only understand and respect superior force. It sucks but it's also a sad reality.

by Ezy at March 12, 2003 11:59 AM

No, Linz, you're not, but it's funny to let the boys have their testosterone moment. ;)

by überchick at March 12, 2003 1:30 PM

I hope I'm not lumped into the Rush is Right crowd. It's exactly that type of polarization that is alienating millions of people like myself. The Center is growing for good reason. And Uberchick...that testosterone comment? I thought you were smarter than that. Let's see how well an "on the rag" comment goes over in here.
I was over the election the following day. You know why? Because it wouldn't have made a goddamn bit of difference. There are relatively few presidents who have achieved greatness, and I think neither Gore nor Bush have/had the capacity.

by douchentaion at March 12, 2003 2:04 PM

It has nothing to do with smarts, douche, and I hardly think you're being lumped into any crowd, Right or otherwise. The sentiment behind my comment was more about the administration than any particular individuals commenting/writing on this site, but I do wonder about people who agree with the administration.

by überchick at March 12, 2003 2:25 PM

Ok, I'm just tired of hearing "put 'em away, boys" or "whoah, check the testosterone on this guy" or related, hackneyed expressions. It's condescending and sexist, but no one cares since it's directed at males.
And if you refer to the administration, how do you explain Condolezza Rice? Let me guess: she's an aberration and a tool of the white male aristocracy and has been brainwashed into supporting the war effort. They couldn't possibly have this and other countries' best interests in mind. I don't blindly follow the administration all the time, but I don't feel people who do are inherently wicked or misguided. It's just this curse of seeing both sides of an issue...

by douchenation at March 12, 2003 2:50 PM

You're right. Men have enough obstacles to overcome without women making sexist comments!

Sheesh, you are cranky today, douche.

by Linz at March 12, 2003 3:46 PM

It 's obvious MG is pretty passionate about the whole Iraq thing, and I respect him for it. I wish I could work up that kind of emotion about anything, but I can't. See, ever since the premature turn-of-the-millennium I've been plagued by this foreboding sense of impending doom. It blows.

by Anna at March 12, 2003 6:55 PM

All I'm saying is, I'm still waiting for this "free White-boy pass" I keep hearing about to come in the mail. It's difficult for me to have sympathy for anyone at his point in my life.
My girlfriend runs her own $million-plus a year business, and I can assure you the fact she's doing it despite having a vagina never enters her beautiful skull. She's brilliant...end of story.

I'm with Manna--I'm going to watch it go. My worldview transcends "petty" issues such as political chest-thumping and religious strife. MG has been referred to as a cat. I hope I come back as one in the next life--which isn't far off considering the damage I've done to myself. Animals aren't burdened with the knowledge of their eventual demise, at least as far as we can tell (although PeTA will tell you otherwise). I'm not naive enough to say everyone is on a level playing field in this country--or any other for that matter--but is that really an attainable goal in the first place? (When we find a cure for pain, I'll throw my drugs away.)

by douchenation at March 12, 2003 7:47 PM

I think it's safe to say that most reasonable people, or at least here, who have an opinion about the war look at both sides of the issue and still disagree. My comment was not made with the intention to downplay either sides or make a sexist comment (after all, ;) does imply a "just kidding" at the end of the remark), but just a response to Linz's lone liberal comment. It's a sensitive issue to talk about when on different sides of the table, but I hardly think it's worth comparing the difficulties of each others' lives, especially when no one asking for or even talking about sympathy.

by überchick at March 13, 2003 1:24 PM

Manna? Oh, (m)Anna! That's taken me two days to figure out. Anyway.

I didn't think it was a sexist comment at all, mainly because it's true, I do have testes. The thing that bothered me more is that you'd dismiss ny opinion as just posturing. I mean, just because you're a chick, doesn't mean I'd ignore anything you'd have to say. Sure, your opinion isn't as important as mine since I'm a white male. But right after the land owners, every other white male, and then black men, I'd totally pay attention to you and the rest of your sisters.

by mg at March 13, 2003 2:05 PM

MG you're a fucking riot!

by Ezy at March 13, 2003 5:25 PM

It's not that I was offended. I was merely pointing out that idle comments in that vein are excused for some and not for others. And as far as most people looking at both sides, I don't buy that for a minute. The Republicans I know use the New York Times for kindling, and the Democrats call the Post readers "Nazis." Also, I just like taking indefensible positions sometimes.

by douchenation at March 14, 2003 2:31 PM

What a lively discussion y'all were having. As for me, I have taken something else away from the debate. I now know what ;) means. Thanks Uberchick. Now on to *phrase*.

by Anna at March 15, 2003 3:46 PM

HONEY! mg DARLING THIS IS MOMMY! Yes, you're a big boy now aren't you baby? But honey, you need to let go of your hate for me. Your transferring it to the women around you. Sorry I sold your ass to queer german tourists at thw beach baby, but Daddy left us broke MG.
Not all women are out to sell your ass sweetie. Welll, ok, alot probably are and yes they'll flatter you just to touch your pee pee and dump you drunk somewhere...but think of the good things in life honey. And remember you can always cum back to Mommy.

by mg's mommy at April 10, 2003 11:58 PM

Mom! If you keep with the non-sequiter comments on posts that are more than a month old, I'm totally going to have to send you to that home we saw on 60 Minutes when you get too old to take care of yourself.

by mg at April 11, 2003 12:11 AM



mg, please transferring all of that blind hate to innocent women like me!

by Linz at April 11, 2003 9:57 AM

comments are closed