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oh, my beloved revolutionary sweetheart i can see your newsprint face turn yellow in the gutter

by mg at 08:32 AM on March 15, 2003

You ever have that feeling like you were forgetting something? Ever lay awake at night wondering if you’d remembered to lock the front door, turn off the iron, or mail that Visa payment, only to get up out of bed and check all those things (and more) to find that everything is locked, unplugged, and sent?

Well, I’ve had that feeling since early last summer, and though the severity of that sensation has wavered, there was always an irksome feeling that I’d overlooked something very important. I finally realized this week that the nagging fear in the back of my skull was anxiety about kidnapped Utah teenager, Elizabeth Smart. And I hadn’t even known she was missing!

It’s a good thing that she was finally found. I can finally relax. And also I guess her family missed her and stuff. More importantly, she had an upcoming spot on ABC’s Teen Are You Hot. That girl’s quite a looker.

Still, there is a nagging something about this whole story. How, exactly, does a homeless preacher kidnap and hold a teenage girl for nearly a year, much of that time spent only miles from where he snatched her, without getting caught? Maybe if you’re a super criminal with a pair of night vision goggles and a senator’s daughter holed up in your oubliette, saving up enough girly-skin to make yourself a pelt, I can see evading capture for 9 months. But, I’ve you’re a homeless dude, begging for cash and crashing on strangers’ floors, how do you hold onto your victim without anyone noticing for three whole quarters? Enron couldn’t even hide the truth for that long.

So, am I the only one getting the impression that Miss Smart wanted to stay with the drifter? Police felt the need to announce they’re sure she was really kidnapped, which only encourages a skeptic like me to think maybe she wasn’t kidnapped at all. If that’s true, I’ve really got to wonder how a crazy homeless guy manages to score a hot 15 year-old as his second wife, while I’m sitting home alone on a Friday night singing Eric Carmen’s greatest hits?

It’s pretty obvious to me, having absolutely no real knowledge about this case other than what I read in today’s NY Post, that this girl wanted to be with crazy Mr. Crazy Beard.

And really, can you blame her? Her kidnapper may have been a creepy, homeless, polygamist, but have you seen her dad? If he were my pops, I’d be struggling to get away the moment I learned to crawl. Sure, there’s a long list of crazy bearded guys that’d might have made better options for a runaway partner (Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Kevin Smith, any of the members of ZZ Top, Johnny Walker Lindh, Obi Wan Kenobi), but I’m guessing none of those guys were hanging around her house.

The alleged kidnapper was a hired by her mom to do maintenance around their house, after meeting him begging for money outside the local mall. Sending that girl back to her family would be like Child Protective Services taking Michael Jackson’s kids away and placing them in foster care with Paula Poundstone.

Eventually the true story about exactly what’s been happening the last nine months will be revealed, and I’ll be one of the millions glued to the TV when Elizabeth “Patty Hearst” Smart ultimately spills the beans about her time away. Even if I’m way off on my theory, this is bound to be an interesting story. For now, I’m happy just to speculate and glad to finally have justification for my previously unfounded suspicion of all bearded men and women wearing burkas.

comments (15)

The local papers keep talking about her "joyful reunion" with her strict Mormon family. Her dad even mused about how she's evolved into a "real young woman," as girls tend to do @ age 15 or so. I'm w/ you. The reunion probably wasn't so joyful because there was some aspect of her period spent living al fresco she relished. Kids.

by Anna at March 15, 2003 8:51 AM

no, you're not the only one who think that somethings funny about all that.

by sicksider at March 15, 2003 9:17 AM

most media i've heard (mostly talk radio...since it's my job) keeps referring to her as a child. children wear garanimals and play with barbies. 15-year-olds have sex, drink, and hate their parents. and her dad has always creeped me out in a jim bakker/pat robertson kind of way. maybe she was more creeped out by him then the drifter...

by laura at March 15, 2003 10:39 AM

Wow. I just listened to two people have a similar conversation to this just this very morning.

And not so far fetched.

by Kathleen at March 15, 2003 1:11 PM

that girl is h-o-t HOT! if i was still in high school i'd be all over that shit. i'm positive that if she wanted to, she could start modeling...and since she already has national exposure, she won't even have to blow someone to get a contract.

by JC at March 15, 2003 2:21 PM

I live in VA. We don't have many Mormons here. But in HS a Mormon named Dana moved into my 'hood. She too was pretty hot and 15 to boot. Despite her strict upbringing, she blew everybody. This chick would suck the stripes off a road. Swallowed too. But nothing more. Morals, don't you know.

by Anna at March 15, 2003 3:36 PM

I can't really pretend I'm tremendously concerned...I lost no sleep over the child when she vanished, I did not ruminate over the fate of the man who died with accusations of being involved hanging over his head, and I didn't but barely notice when she was found. So I'll just say this.

I don't really think it matters if you split hairs on the definition of womanhood, or talk about how her parents are extra-creepy super-scary debil mormons. I simply don't buy that they were/are so bad that nine months with a wannabe Charles Manson and his necrotic 'wife' on the streets, forced to wear a burkha and remain five steps behind were some sort of libertine idyll. Reading the account at Yahoo (admittedly hardly a bastion of epic investigative journalism) makes me wonder if Brian David Mitchell/Emmanuel wasn't just a savvy lunatic with a good knowledge of Mormon scripture, taking advantage of the family's own piety (they repeatedly gave drifters work...in fact, they suspected Mitchell months before the cops would consider him) to manipulate the girl. Remember, this is a guy who actually sat down and wrote another book of scripture (more of a tract) and believed he was the second coming of Joseph Smith.

At one point, they even had to crash out on a cashier's floor to avoid freezing to death.
He played them punk music. They sang hymns for him. The women didn't talk much. At one point, he said, he asked Elizabeth for her name. She was about to respond, when Mitchell said, "Just call her my love and joy."

So yeah, maybe she was brainwashed, and yeah, maybe she wasn't trying so hard to get away, but it was probably mixed in with a lot of abuse and a lot of threats and played on her religious upbringing a lot. Reading the story, the end really strikes off sparks for me (I grew up in a rather nutty religious upbringing myself, lots of doom and rapture...what a shock, considering I call myself Ezrael)

The officers held up a picture next to her face and asked her again if she was Elizabeth.

"Thou sayest," answered the girl, just as Jesus said in the Bible when asked by Pontius Pilate if he was the king of the Jews. She burst into tears.

Nine months later, Elizabeth Smart had been found.

I'm thinking this was hardly a party. Somewhere in-between Patty Hearst and the kids from Waco lies the truth. Of course, I don't reall know either. I think they could very well have grabbed her and then screamed, beaten, and otherwise conditioned the piss out of her in a very short time, building on a framework of faith that her parents and community laid...and maybe they even made use of her rebellious teenage side, telling her that they were the truth and her family were wrong.

by Ezrael at March 15, 2003 7:05 PM

I think everyone agrees there's more to the story than people know. My son is 10 and he could get away from someone like Emmanuel or whatever the hell his name is.

by trish at March 16, 2003 10:43 AM

Um, can we talk about 'Pamela' Smart, and the Iron Maiden-ish mullet haired boy she got all fucky-fucky with? Did he end up getting a modeling contract? And Patty Hearst was on Larry King the night after the Bush Administration told the FBI to release Elizabeth Smart from their prison and use creepy beardo as scapegoat so we could all take our minds off Iraq/UN resolution delay blunders/stagnating economy, just for the weekend. Thanks George. It was happy news for once. Come Monday Eastern Standard Time, you'll have to revive Samantha Runion.

by LOCKHEED at March 16, 2003 10:30 PM

CNN reports that this bearded creep considers the Smart girl his wife. He says he loves her. Which means he fucked her. As a dad, this is creeping me out. But I do understand. Have you seen the pix of that hag who is his present wife? Ugh.

by Anna at March 17, 2003 9:45 AM


by Linz at March 17, 2003 2:56 PM

Who/what are you "dude"ing?

by mg at March 17, 2003 3:03 PM

"He says he loves her. Which means he fucked her."


by Linz at March 19, 2003 4:35 PM

Hey Linz, you took my remark out of context. But he did fuck her. In fact, Utah authorities have charged him w/ just that. Her family tried to keep it hush-hush but prosecutors were having none of that. Court TV ratings, don't you know.

by Anna at March 21, 2003 6:15 PM

This guy fucks he for 9 months and she is not pregnant? At least the war got our minds off of her pink snapper for a little while :)

by BerkleyLooney at May 30, 2003 4:58 PM

comments are closed