From the mountains, To the prairies, To the ocean, White with foam

by mg at 08:43 AM on March 22, 2003

As the war swings into high gear and everyone’s attention is held rapt by the images we are receiving in Iraq, I think the big picture has been lost here – what ever happened to our blind hatred of the French?

Lawmakers and restaurant entrepreneurs around the country have shown their patriotism by renaming French Fries to “Freedom Fries.” Sure, French fries are actually Belgian, but to tell the truth, we probably shouldn’t trust the Belgians either. You can’t live next to France for that long and not get a little French yourself. It’s like all those people who say they’re Canadian. Come one, if you live in North America and aren’t Mexican, you are practically an American. And you better believe that when things are settled in the Middle East, we’ll be turning our eyes on you, Canada, and making that “practically” a reality.

But, back to the practically French Belgians. I would encourage a boycott of Hercule Poirot. Also, we should boycott Belgian Waffles. Actually, they are too tasty to give up, so we should just rename them to “Free Baghdad Waffles.” Or something similar, I’m not nearly as creative as Congressmen. As for other morning foods, I’d like to piggyback “The-Rootie-Tuti-Fresh-And-Fruity” onto the embargo agenda, not because it is un-American, but just because it’s really embarrassing to have to say that out loud when ordering breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.

I also think we should boycott comedian Dawn French. Sure, she is English, but we need to draw the line somewhere, and I don’t think anyone would disagree that that line is an English actresses named after countries we have political disagreements with. Heck, we should move that line back even further and ban all the old episodes of A Family Affair. I’d say we should also ban episodes of the new version of A Family Affair (starring Tim Curry as Mr. French), except that it’s on the WB and no one watches it anyway.

Further changes that should be enacted: Renaming “Paris, Texas” to “We Love George Bush, Texas.” Also, the Marines basic training camp, “Parris Island,” should be renamed to “We will be invading you next Paris Island.”

Many people have also chosen to boycott the music of the Dixie Chicks because of their recent anti-George Bush remarks. Since most of my readers probably have all their own teeth, you’ve probably never been compelled to buy a Dixie Chicks CD in the first place. Still, if you feel the need to boycott something, here are a few Dixie related boycott suggestions:

Dixie Cups. Since I’m an adult and not incredibly lazy, I don’t actually use disposable cups, plates or silverware. And, in any effort to impress Linz, I’ll add that I don’t use plastic cups because I really, really care about the environment. But, there are certain situations where they are useful, most notably in doctor’s offices. If you’ve got an upcoming appointment and your doctor asks you to pee in a cup, you should do it. But, when you are done, instead of handing it to the nurse, find your doctor, throw the cup and your diseased urine in his face and yell “Take that Doctor Hussein!”

Dixie Carter. Sure, this means you’ll also have to forgo the irresistible Delta Burke, but if you really want to support your troops fighting over in Iran, not watching Designing Women for a few weeks is a small price to pay.

This is a very important time in American history. Our sons, husbands, brothers, and fathers are over there fighting for our freedom. It is time to put away the petty differences we have. It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, or yellow. Jewish, Islamic, or Zoroastrian. As long as you aren’t French, Belgian, or somehow related to the Dixie Chicks, we need to come together and support one another, in this time of crisis more than ever. God Bless America (except for the three members of the Dixie chicks), and God Bless our English allies (except for Dawn French and Tim Curry).