« Thanks you stupid bitch! | Main | It's Never Over, It's Relentless As The Rain »


bad advice: every broken heart is trying to even the score, it's the way of the world, love is war

by mg at 07:58 AM on March 01, 2003

Necropethamenos asked:

How do you ensure your woman won't cheat while you're attending 12 month military service? (No I DON'T want to go, its obligatory in my country)

Well, you obviously don't live in the United States where we’re all free to sit on our lazy ass at home if we damn well feel like it. Whatever country you’re from is forcing your ass into a situation where you'll probably get your shit blown all the hell up, but America is the warmonger? Riiiight.

Anyway, I hate to be the bearer of bad news Necro, but there is absolutely no way to stop your chick from cheating on you while you're away. Over the next 12 months, when the closest thing to sex you'll have is some private sticking his bayonet in your fox hole, or some transsexual prostitute in the red light district of whatever disaster of a country you get stationed in, your woman will be getting the hole in her heart for you plugged up by as many male genitalia as she can fit her mouth around.

Women want and need sex like the members of Phish need bicycles (you know, because they're all hippieish and stuff. So they ride bikes instead cars. Because they hate fossil fuels. Because they're bad for the environment. Because... oh, fuck it, never mind.). I know this might be hard for most men to comprehend, but women have sexual needs too. Sure, you may hear "no" more than Jeremy Burnitz hears "Strike Three, Your Out," but that isn't because women don't want sex, it's just because they don't want sex with you.

And, if you've never managed to pleasure her, she will see this as a guilt free opportunity to run around town, looking for a man (or, if you’ll allow me to fantasize for a minute, a woman) who knows how to please her. More than likely, she'll find someone who knows how to do her right, and when you get back from whatever hot zone you've been stationed, you'll be out in the cold. And, don’t think that because you make her moan like a banshee in bed, your safe, you are wrong. You've really fucked yourself then. Do you think someone who’s been used to getting your high hard one regularly be able to go a year without getting it again?

“What about love?” you ask. That's a really good question. Unfortunately, that absence makes the heart grow fonder stuff is absolute bullocks. She may love you, and when she sees you off for your 12-month stint, it may be the most tearful goodbye since the FBI busted down Eilian Gonzalez's closet door, but your woman will no doubt be spreading her legs before she gets out of the airport parking lot. Sex beats out love every time, otherwise Love Potion #9 would be the biggest selling pharmaceutical, instead of Viagra.

Now, here is my advice to you: Accept the fact she will fuck around on you like Meg Ryan fucking around on Dennis Quaid during the shooting of Proof of Life. If you accept that, do a little messing around yourself, when you come back from your year away neither one of you ever has to mention the awful, filthy things you've both done in your time apart.

The only other option is to break up with her before you leave. Believe it or not, she is more likely to stay faithful to you if there isn't that extra thrill to sex added by doing it behind someone's back. Sure, she'll still be fucking around, but instead of getting gang banged by the entire Algerian National soccer team every Saturday night, it'll just be a couple guys in the bathroom at the local frat bar.

This works because even if the first time you see her after your 12 months away, there is still some other dude's spunk dribbling from her snatch, she doesn't have to feel guilty, and you don't have to feel jealous. You two can get back together and live happily ever after.

Get some Bad Advice. Read the past advice .

comments (8)

Often your partner will wrongly suspect you of cavorting with another or an entire soccer team. No matter how staunchly you deny it, even offering proof to the contrary, the suspicion lingers like a persistent fart. With the outcome ultimately the same, maybe it's best to go for it.

by Anna at March 1, 2003 8:34 AM

I must say, it's refreshing to hear something other than the perfunctory "war is bad, it's all about the oil" nonsense. And thank (whichever supreme deity) I live here; I don't think I believe in anything enough to go to war for it.
As far as Phish goes, does their tour bus run on banana peels and granola bars a la the "Mr. Fusion" device Doc Brown employed in Back to the Future? Fuck Phish--they've written like three good songs.
If I had to go overseas, I would tell my girlie to spread like warm creamy peanut butter every chance she got. She insists she has no desire to stray now, and I tell her she's full of shit. When she asks me if I want to, I tell her "absolutely." Maybe I should keep my fucking mouth shut. All I know is, spring is coming, when the hottest chicks in the world (NYC) start donning sundresses and fuck-me pumps. Looky no touchy...someone shoot me.

by douchenation at March 1, 2003 1:27 PM

If you have the kind of womanyour worried is going to cheat on you, dump her anyway. or make a deal to see other people. whatever you do, get over it as soon as fucking possible. nothing is worse than pining away over some woman you can't trust.

you can figure out what she wants to do by engaging her in some "honest" conversation. Ask her what she wants to do while you are away because it is such a very long time. Tell her if she feels she honestly cannot wait, it is better to figure that out now than while you are away.

This is COMPLETE BULLSHIT! What this will actually accomplish is getting the wheels in her mind turning. Look at her face. Does she look like she is thinking about your question or the possibilities of breaking up with you OR the possibilities of lieing to you? You should be able to tell. If she looks down, she is thinking about the question. If she looks up and to the right or to the left, she is thinking about the ALTERNATIVES you question presents her with.

This is all scientific, mostly, and I've never really shared this with anyone so your lucky. But I have been a close observer of people for years. I get off on the way people present themselves and lie. I never miss an article on body language or brain function. The way our eyes move is an indication of what part of our brain we are using. Looking up in this case while thinking is a sure sign that your woman is a cheatingbitch.

You're gonna NEED to get laid while in the military, shit it's part of the experience. Just act like a man and tell her not to wait for you. then dip your stick guilt free for a year and if you don't get your ass shot off come home, nail her and see if the magic is still there.

and remember, always wear a condom!

by eff at March 1, 2003 4:20 PM

Did Eff serve as a consultant on the set of Meet the Parents? DON'T LIE TO ME FOCKER!

AAAAAArrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!! Just tried to depress the "shift" key with my gimpy-ass pinky--not happening! (Although, I spent the evening at Lockheed's without losing any digits--woo hoo! Roy Jones Jr. is a bad-ass mother fucker!)

Goddamnit, the girl across the way has only lace curtains obstructing my view of her splendid naked body--she must know I'm looking at her, right? My girlfriend is so hot, and yet I'm looking out our window (as she sleeps) in search of new snatch--what, if anything, does that say about me?

Traffic at BadSam is at a mere trickle...at this rate mg will never realize his next numerological milestone. Enjoying my typical Saturday diet of peanut butter and jelly burritos...washing 'em down with a couple of Coor's Light 40s. Wooooooooooo, doggy! It's a good thing I bought an extra six-pack so I can drink through my hangover tomorrow. Funny thing about weekends when you're unemployed...they don't mean quite so much...

by douchenation at March 2, 2003 2:45 AM

When I was unemployed, I figured to myself that every day was Saturday.

by jean at March 4, 2003 1:30 AM

a) MG: thanks a lot, you made me feel SO much better... (...fuck...)
b) I live in Greece. Military service is obligatory and I hate it but there are some real reasons for it (last confrontation with Turkey was only 30 years ago and there's a constant tension. I couldn't care less though)
c)EFF: She's absolutely positive she wants to wait. I'm not worried because of any reason she ever gave me to doubt her. She didn't. I'm worried cause we're talking about a full year of me not beiing able to see her. (+ moblie phones are OF COURSE not allowed in the army.)
d) Told her she might want to break up before I go, she told me I should go fuck myself (not literally I suppose) for thinkink about it. Which worries me even more.
e) I'm already tired and I haven't even gone there yet!!!!

by necropethamenos at March 5, 2003 5:56 AM

Your reply was insightful but true. I have a fiance. He is in Iraq right now. I am in Ohio. I will say that all my friends that have men over there, haven't been faithful. I dont have time to be unfaithful because I work all the time, but if I had time, I dont know what I would do. I think that if you are leaving to go overseas for a year or so, its best to break things off b/c if something does happen there wont be any guilt to be felt. IF you stay with the person and something happens, you may end up breaking up anyway. This is just my 2 cents.

by Erica at May 14, 2003 8:58 PM

mg... after reading that... i may just be in love with you. LMAO. that shyt was tooooo funny. probably true too. sux

by curtis at December 26, 2005 12:41 PM

comments are closed