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Work: The Curse of the Drinking Class

by anna at 08:57 PM on February 27, 2003

In my quasi-managerial capacity I've had the opportunity to interview an applicant or two. Thus I feel qualifed to dispense advice to any job-seekers out there.

It's critical to establish immediate rapport with your interviewer, otherwise they'll just grow bored with you. One way to go about this is to make derisive cracks about their attire. Call it out-of-style, overly revealing or simply hideous. Another approach is to pry into their personal affairs. Raise pointed questions about their chosen lifestyles and/or parenting skills.

Honesty and integrity are traits valued by today's conscientious slave-driver. Be brutally candid about your disdain for corporate money-grubbing and chicanery. Share your ethical concerns about doing the company's cruel bidding.

The ADA prohibits discrimination based upon mental handicaps. So don't hesitate to reveal your history of nervous breakdowns, outbursts of violence and what medication regimen you use to keep your raging demons at bay. But don't overdo it with the frank disclosures. Get all evasive when it comes to gaps in employment, academic performance and periods of incarceration. When pressed, cite national security concerns and steer the discussion back to your terrorist ties.

Bear in mind that you're just one among many unqualified applicants. So it pays to stand out from the crowd. Don garb more appropriate to a whorehouse, hoedown or Muslim prayer service. (I must warn you not to click on the link about Israeli soldiers harvesting Palestinian organs for resale.)

Proper grooming is an absolute must. If you're male, sport that scruffy, unshaven look popularized by Don Johnson. If you're female, go with Jennifer Aniston's so-five-minutes-ago sheepdog look. Applicants of all genders should mask their stench with aromatic oils. This combo will imply a carefree flippancy, which is a highly prized trait among today's employers.

Should the job entail contact with children, profess to love the little buggers, but not "in a Michael Jackson kind of way." Regardless of what position you seek, make every effort to ensure your interview is with a member of the opposite sex. To foster an intimate atmosphere, plop yourself down in his or her lap. Things can only go uphill from there.

Remember, the purpose of an interview is for you to glean as much information as possible about benefits, perks and health insurance. Don't neglect to determine how many domestic partners the company allows you to stack on your policy. Ditto for its precise criteria in separating domestic partners from whores you shack up with from time to time.

Above all, leave your cell phone on. You wouldn't want to risk missing an all-important call over some silly job interview.

Dude, you're all but a shoo-in.

comments (9)

Lions and Tigers and Anna, Oh My! On interviews, I first gauge the persona of the interviewer, then if it fits, I do a lot of what you just posted. If you just put in a single Tone-Down Filter on your Advice, you could score any high paying job with minimal resume qualifications. Say it's Anna interviewing you. You sit in the chair, and lady is sitting across a polished office desk...

ANNA: In your own words, Lockheed, describe yourself, better yet, just pick three words.

LOCKHEED: Well, Anna, diligent...ambitious... I might be out of line with this final adjective, but I'll take the risk... You are absolutely sexy.

by LOCKHEED at February 27, 2003 9:52 PM

poor lockheed.

by nancy at February 28, 2003 12:46 AM

No wonder I've been out of work so long--I haven't been doing any of those things. Next interview, I'm going in while talking on the phone, and I'll give one of those "just a sec" gestures that assholes think are polite.
I might have to leave New York because the job market is too competitive. I'm blowing through my savings account live John Belushi at Mardi Gras. When you hate yourself as much as I do, it's very difficult to convince employers you're worth a damn. Boo hoo someone please just fucking kill me.

by douchenation at February 28, 2003 2:14 AM

Son of a bitch! It's supposed to read "like" Joh Belushi....
Can't type with my gimp-ass fingers taped together.
Also, Anna--where exactly was the "douchenation" reference going to be in your post before I decided to bless the BadSam community with my ressurection? I said "urection."

by douchenation at February 28, 2003 2:20 AM

No sleep. bad. what the fuck am I doing on bs right now? holy shit.
uranus, douchenation, it's uranus, something's plugged up in there. Might be the Vig. The mandatory payment for the sins we forgot we committed. Holy shyte, there's a good chance I'll not make it to work this friday morning. That'll be two days in a row. Can anyone say, Pink Slip? Too tired to care a damn. But not sleepy. And to think, it has been an entire week since the notorious Fire Friday, when fire was in the sky and water... something about sugar pies and honeybunches...not sure what though. Perhaps a longing to long for something that's sweet, but feels bitter in the stomach? Um... sanctify. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!son of a aaahhhhhhh!!!!!!damn it. DAMN IT!!!! fuck shit, faaaauuuucccccckk

by LOCKHEED at February 28, 2003 2:30 AM

Douche, it wasn't in this post. I decided to switch them around. But the reference was something lame like, "And to close on a totally random and unrelated note, where's Douchenation? I miss seeing that screen name and his incisive commentary and yada, yada...." Hope your finger heals up.

by Anna at February 28, 2003 7:46 AM

i've always found that being drunk helps your chances of having a successful interview. well, maybe not so much drunk as drunk-as-a-sailor-on-shore-leave-and-slurring-like-a-punch-drunk-boxer. at least at my office it does...my boss conducts all interviews at the bar down the road, and my buddy doesn't actually remember getting hired, he was so plowed. let's hear it for functional alcoholics!

by JC at February 28, 2003 11:44 AM

Anna, you are my new job guru. Please let me know when you will start giving conferences and the publishing date for your book, "The complete Idiot's Guide: How to excell in job interviews for dummies", ok?

by Lucy at February 28, 2003 12:31 PM

Lucy, believe it or not 3 of the gaffes listed actually happened. Try to guess which ones.

by Anna at February 28, 2003 5:53 PM

comments are closed