MG suggested to me that there should be an American Idol Drinking Game. Of course there should. There probably is one already, you know how things are on the Internet these days. I told him this, but he said no, he couldn't find one. Strange. MG suggested that I write one up, being that I'm such a big fan of the show. Well, what a fine fucking idea! So here it is, the American Idol Drinking Game:
At the start of the show, shove aside the mix of semi-dirty and grungy-dirty clothes on your futon. Sit down, relax. Pour yourself a drink because it's American Idol time. You've been looking forward to this all day, fuck, all week, I mean, it's the only thing that gets you through the workday on Mondays and Tuesdays and you even tell your friends over IM and they tell you to get a life, but fuck them, what do they know.
When Ryan Seacrest walks out to open the show, take a chug. When he introduces the judges, take a sip for each judge. If seeing Paula Abdul reminds you of her video from way back where she's dancing around with a hip cartoon cat and if that reminds you of being in sixth grade, specifically, that day in band class when the girls huddled and talked about music videos while the boys tried to ignore them with a too-cool air, who were the boys kidding, only themselves, because they wanted more than anything to talk to the girls and you wanted more than anything to talk to the blonde-haired girl in the clarinet section, but anyway, if seeing Paula Abdul reminds you of this, take an extra gulp. If it doesn't, take an extra sip.
Now on to the contestants: For every female contestant, take a sip. If you like her performance, take another sip. If you like her outfit and if it's tight-fitting and if you could almost picture what her breasts would look like if she were naked and if it makes you wish that you had a girlfriend that pretty, heck, if you had a girlfriend at all, fuck it if she's not as hot as an American Idol contestant, if she'll so much as be your girlfriend and watch TV with you and maybe hold your hand sometime, that's pretty damn good already and you'll take that any day, so take another sip, no, chug it. Chug the rest of your glass. Why not, remember, you're alone, so who's around to care what you chug and when. Don't say loneliness doesn't have its advantages. For every male contestant, don't do anything, except if seeing any of them makes you wish you had even a droplet of their good looks, so then maybe some girl somewhere would like you, then take a sip. If seeing any of the male contestants makes you hot and bothered, take a note to work this out with your therapist.
During the judging segment, every time Randy says "dawg," you say "dawg" too. Every time Randy says "dude," you say "dude" too. Hey, this might sound stupid now, but it's fucking fun as heck when you're sloshed. Every time Randy says "that was just okay, nothing great," try not to think of your parents and how they never really approved of anything you did even though secretly, you wanted more than anything else for them to be proud of you. Try not to think of this of this because it'll make you sad, and let me tell you, there's nothing sadder than a sad, lonely drunk. If Simon hates the performance, take a sip. If Simon likes the performance, take a gulp. If Paula likes the performance, close your eyes and try to imagine that she just complemented you, not the contestant, and that one day, maybe, some girl will compliment you in real life, but don't hold your breath. Take a sip. If Paula hates the performance, then chug.
At the end of the show, go ahead and chug whatever you have left, I mean, what's the point of saving it. It's only 9pm on a Tuesday night. What now? Consider your options: (1) cry. (2) hmmm, actually, your only option at this point is to cry. When you've cried yourself out, roll into bed and remind you that tomorrow is the results show. Yay!
Dude, that was just alright, man.
by Randy at February 19, 2003 9:48 AM
Holy shit! I am so excited that you are posting as an author that I can't even read the words of this and write a relevant comment!!!
Wait!!! Maybe that's because my irises are vibrating due to too much caffeine!!!!!
by Linz at February 19, 2003 10:09 AM
Okay, I've read it. That fucking show sucks, your grammar is not nearly to the level it should be judging how picky you are about mg's, and I am curious why you used a super-1 as an apostrophe.
by Linz at February 19, 2003 10:16 AM
Just for the record, all those exclaimation marks in Linz's comment isnt from the caffeine, it's just her being "excited" by me. Hey, someone hand me a cigarette.
by Eviltom at February 19, 2003 10:22 AM
Evil Tom is funny.
by Shannon at February 19, 2003 10:38 AM
No he isn't. He's evil.
by Joseph at February 19, 2003 10:40 AM
FYI: this wasn't Eviltom posting, rather me taking something he emailed me and forcibly brining it out into public view. And, while I'm not grammatical genius, I did make a couple corrections before I published this, but noticed a couple more rereading it now. But anyway, the point is people who live in glass sentence structures shouldn't throw participles.
by mg at February 19, 2003 11:20 AM
"...while I'm not grammatical genius..." -MG
by Eviltom at February 19, 2003 11:32 AM
I'm gonna try this Evil One although, I'm going to tell work it's your fault when I don't make it on time. You may have to write me an absentee note.
by EZY at February 19, 2003 1:06 PM
So, I don't get it, is Eviltom the secret poster? Or is the secret poster gone with the wind? Like when you run out of money, the bitch is gone with the wind? I like the super 1 for apostrophe, I never saw that before, that could even be a secret terrorist signal to buy stock in all duct tape companies, and short all stock in patio screen door companies, and then, oh nOOO!!! Lost another loan to Di-Tech dot.com! .edu, .net, .org, .sec, how do you make a super one? I've been randomly holding down the control and shift, and hitting all buttons but can't seem to do it.
by LOCKHEED at February 19, 2003 5:42 PM
The PLID Spread PLO/IDF:
(18 Palestinians dead)/(4 IsraeliDefenseForce dead x 3) = 1.5
Just an update, this occured since last Saturday. Previously the weekly spread was stable at: 1.16, and the price was $10 U.S. which means the current price is now $12.83 U.S. (every .12 move in the spread is worth $1 U.S.) Somebody sold me 10 increments when I first bid the market for the PLID spread, and sold them to me for $10, thus my $100 is now $128.30, of course, that someone is a fellow BadSammer, who is being anonymous, because he thinks this is illegal. Hey Dumbass, I'll sell it back to you $200, all 10 increments. You really think the Palestinians are going to get the upper hand on the IDF anytime soon? It'll only get worse. PAY UP. Call me tonight!
by LOCKHEED (PLID) at February 19, 2003 6:24 PM
Well goddamn. Here he is, ripe for the grammatical/word meaning skewering and I didn't discern a single error. But I will. Great post.
by Anna at February 19, 2003 7:46 PM
Till the Juice runs down my leg... those fucking landmines!
okay, so 4 IDF got blown up in a tank, so now I'm losing money. My 100 is worth 88 bucks, whatever, we got until the end of March. So it is EVILTOM? Dear EvilTom, MAZAL TOV! C'mon, spin the wheel, make it happen, take a chance, roll the PLID, my game is funner than the American Idol Drinking game... if you win, you could fund your own blog.... Let's start at 1.00. Until the End of March. [PLO/IDF x 3] C'mon, support the PLO, I'll give you $100 dollars to start betting on IDF, each .12 move in the ratio, is $1, do it! Spin the PLID, I know EFF will play, ANNA will probably play too... Am I the only one who supports IDF? I mean I don't support Ariel Sharon, he's probably going to be tried for War Crimes, but hey, there's cold cash involved...
by LOCKHEED at February 19, 2003 8:09 PM
Here's your cigarette, eviltom. It's better than giving it to that weird mexican guy from across the street. I don't even know his screen name & he showed up at 11:00 PM to bum a cigarette while I was in the middle of trying to console my grief-stricken son about the untimely, cat-related demise of Maxwell the gerbil. I peeked out the window, locked the door & turned off the porch light. I gave him a cigarette once, and he keeps coming back like a once-fed stray cat. All things considered, I guess I'd rather you have it. You're welcome.
by nancy at February 19, 2003 11:32 PM
There's a game I could never play--I'd have to be so shit-faced in order to watch that tripe in the first place that I'd have alcohol poisoning by the first commercial break. Nevertheless, the post is maniacally funny.
by douchenation at February 27, 2003 5:06 PM
Dude, I so WAS that blonde girl in the clarinet section. Usually drunk, too, for any performances. Coincidence? I think not.
(I really was in the clarinets...I was first chair, my best friend, who looks like Alicia Silverstone, was second. Hey, band was cool in my school.)
by Anne at April 23, 2003 1:20 AM
"Evil Tom is funny“，That's what you think.
by wow-gold at September 1, 2005 1:43 AM
"Evil Tom is funny“;That's what you think.
by wow-gold at September 1, 2005 1:44 AM