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Every Move You Make...

by anna at 08:18 AM on February 09, 2003

Tooling around town in a massive SUV does have its advantages. Sitting up that high I enjoy a bird's eye view of the myriad goings-on in the sedans, coupes and convertibles below. I've seen bubble gum popping, dining, temple massages, beer drinking, unruly brats backhanded, animated cell phone conversations, people fooling around with CDs and various hand-held devices, two gay men smooching, dog-petting, tit-flashing, shaving, nose-picking, makeup application, off-key singing along with the radio and a blowjob to boot.

I found the last five items particularly puzzling. These are all common activities that one normally does in private, after all. It seems like drivers believe their cars are their secret lairs, where anything goes. No one would dare to observe what they're up to in there, right? Ah but we do, and it's disgusting as hell. Well, actually the singing isn't so much disgusting as embarrassing; much like the empathy I feel for that white wench who boogies in the passenger seat of the Mitsubishi. What, praytell, is she doing? How much was she paid? Not enough, that's for sure.

As much as I hate to admit this, I found the gay tongue-kissing episode a tad unsettling as well. It's one thing to embrace homosexuality as a concept, which I most certainly do. It's quite another to share a lane with dudes who appear just moments from mounting one another at stoplights. Get a room. (Ditto for the mobile pearl necklace.)

Then there's those stretch limos with their tinted windows. It irks me to no end that the wealthy occupants feel free to deprive me of my inalienable right to monitor their activities and form wildly erroneous opinions based thereon. I'm forced to utilize my imagination to conger up a mental image of what sort of depravity's happening back there in those spacious confines. I picture snooty people sipping Cristal champagne, snorting meth and mocking the foreign chauffeur behind his back. But they're probably late for meetings and nervously checking their Rolex watches.

Speaking of rich people's lifeblood, I saw what must be the most useless product ever offered at Total Wine yesterday. It was a champagne cork re-inserter. Now a bottle of champagne holds maybe four glasses tops, provided it doesn't spray all over the place when you uncork it. And like bowling, seldom if ever is the bubbly consumed alone. So why would anyone ever feel a need to reseal the bottle?

comments (24)

Well, in Columbia(the nation), not the rich Ivy school, the rebels have taken their fight directly to too the Wealthy class, and blew up 26 wealthy Columbian folk at a nightclub where the Cristal flows from water fountains. But that's not nice.

On another note, I liked the head massage voyeurism. It's very brotherly or loverly, like monkeys who take turns grooming each other. It's companionship, you're whole post as abhorred as you are at the subtleties, is all about Companionship and Compassion. HATS OFF again to ANNA, for being the UNSUNG HERO...

by LOCKHEED at February 9, 2003 2:17 PM

I was referring to the TEMPLE massaging.

the things that must come to pass...then all things made anew...we are living in this linear time... I don't know what to think of it.

by LOCKHEEd at February 9, 2003 3:18 PM

Sweet Jesus! You people are not just making spelling mistakes anymore... you're using entirely inappropriate words!

Anna- "conger" is an eel. You meant "conjure."
Lockheed- "Colombia" is the country.

by Eviltom at February 9, 2003 5:37 PM

Lockheed, the guy I saw was massaging his own temples, which somehow isn't quite the same. Eviltom, are you like a teacher or something? Sure enough, according to my handy Webster's Dictionary copyright 1958 Literary Press, the correct word is "conjure." "Conger" doesn't even appear. Maybe eels hadn't been invented back then.

by Anna at February 9, 2003 5:47 PM

Not sure what you mean by "teacher," but if you're asking whether I can "teach you a thing or two," the answer is yes.

by Eviltom at February 9, 2003 11:33 PM

1135pm est. Bond market opens at 8:20am. Plenty of time for BadSam. Not sleepy. Dry tears of detachment have left me with demons now, surfacing... hideous, ingenious, deadly, but not fatal, important to note that they are not fatal...that would be too easy...they give you hope, and then, at the right time...they shatter it into pieces...and laugh...howling madness...their objective? Perhaps, to jade me to the point where I am Invincible. To constantly expose me to annihilation, until I find in myself, what is truly Indestructable. AND NOW... they have achieved that goal... goodbye demons... and thank you for your assistance...

by LOCKHEED at February 9, 2003 11:42 PM

Nothing beats road head.

by douchenation at February 10, 2003 2:04 AM

Call me crazy but I'm going to have to go out on a limb and agree with Douche on this one. Just the multi-tasking aspect of it is enough to sell me. Can I still drive......yes.....no......maybe......hmmmmm. The element of danger is also rather attractive. There should be rules and times for the behavior though. Night driving on a road trip...yes. Rush hour on the Capital Beltway....no.
Ahhhh Evil one you grammatical Tyrannosaurus. Again you crack me up. Below is your eel Anna.

by EZY at February 10, 2003 10:18 AM

It's interesting how you were so disgusted with folks who ride in limos, champagne conservation devices, and two men (not "people," or "a couple," but GAY men) making out, while I was disgusted with your love for your gas-chugging, compact-car-crushing SUV and letting your eyes wander instead of keeping them on the road.

So thanks, Anna, for bringing out the ultra-progressive in me.

by Shar at February 10, 2003 12:47 PM

There's nothing quite like being serviced while traveling at 120 kph in daytime traffic. The key is to match the speed of the vehicle directly in front of your car and avoid lane changes. It also helps to have an automatic (on the column, not the floor) and a spacious bench seat. Window tint is acceptable only for amateurs. Professionals drive with the hazard lights flashing. It's a fast paced world so I'm sorry ANNA, but I haven't the time to "Get a room" each and every time the situation arises.

by Joseph at February 10, 2003 1:27 PM

Why get a room?

Its not like the person beside you knows you. Nor are they likely to ever meet you. Social boundries only apply (for alot of people) when there are social repercussions. In your car you can do pratically anything, provided your own self-imposed social limitations can be disregarded.

The SUV portion of this is interesting too. I drive a little truck, and similarly look down on people, but without the massive gas consumption of a "massive" SUV. Most entertaining.

by ChuckWoolery at February 10, 2003 2:04 PM

OH! It's all clear now. Hey, call me Encyclopedia Brown, because I just figured out why Anna is wearing that Arab towel thing (sorry to get technical on you) on her head. So here are the clues, Nancy Drew... SUV, gas-guzzler, mysterious identity, Arab pic. It's all about Big Oil and sleeper cells, my friend. But fear not, I have called the Homeland Defense hotline and I've personally raised the alert level to Red. (Not the National Alert Level, but rather, the alert level in my pants.)

by Eviltom at February 10, 2003 4:16 PM

Anna.....retort....quickly....you've raised the Evil One's trouser alert level to Red. We're all in danger!! Ah fer fucks sake, help us Anna!!!

by EZY at February 10, 2003 4:58 PM

I tip my hat to the new revolution... well, not really.
Same as the old boss. In fact, boring as hell. Please post something.
I'm gonna throw snowballs at the little yiddish private school girls when they walk by with their cute dresses, that make them look scottish or irish. Shalom, little yalda... watch out for the big bad wolf. Going to throw a snowball at your stomach. Hee hee hay hee hoo.....

by LOCKHEED at February 10, 2003 5:50 PM

Shar, I am quite the progressive sort myself. In fact, the draft copy read "embrace universal bisexuality as a concept, which I most certainly do." That's why I said I hated to even admit the amorous male couple unsettled me a little. I guess it's because you don't see it so often in these parts as some others. (I live in a Southern suburb.) So I'll just be here awaiting that knock on my door from Federal agents. Thanks, Tom. BTW, y'all may have seen the last of the Arab do-rag. Gotta go view the conger.

by Anna at February 10, 2003 6:10 PM

The last of the do-rag? Do you mean, the last of ANNA? NOOO!!!! I cry foul!
...all of the flowers...all of the flowers I gave her... she burned them...
...burned them...

by LOCKHEED at February 10, 2003 6:55 PM

No, unless MG ousts me Anna will be around from time to time. Just with a different pic. And like Linz, it makes me nervous when folks capitalize my name.

by Anna at February 10, 2003 7:35 PM

Okay, folks, at the risk of being too earnest, I've gotta stand up in defense of the SUV. In fact, I find the whole "what would Jesus drive?" campaign to be downright unChristian. Judge not lest ye be judged.

It seems to me that making suppositions about people based upon the cars they drive, (clothes they wear, neighborhoods they live in, etc., etc.) without knowing anything else about them, is what we used to call "prejudice".

Unless you're suffering from a severe case of sour grapes, you have to realize that there just might be a reason why a person needs multiple seat belts and a large cargo area.

Of course I know people who drive SUVs for the same reason that a dog licks his balls...because they CAN, but it's not fair to make that assumption about SUV drivers in general.

Personally, I was deeply saddened the day my ancient Buick Century wagon went to that big junkyard in the sky. The only modern vehicle that fit the capacity needs of my multi-kid, multi-dog household was...you guessed it.

And as far as endangering others, try getting on the Parkway in a Geo with a nervous Malamute who decides he wants to sit in your lap. I will NEVER own a car that can't hold a large crate...because I care about you. :)

by nancy at February 10, 2003 10:51 PM

If I log on again and still see the first post starting with..."tooling around town with a massive SUV...." I'm going to puke.

by lockheed at February 10, 2003 11:35 PM

Up too late, Lockheed?

by nancy at February 10, 2003 11:52 PM

Anna, you shouldn't even have dignified Shar's comment. You already acknowledged in your post what you were being accused of. Fuck these postmodernists who psychoanalyze everything to the point of absurdity, completely ignoring the context of what is said. And fuck this neo-McCarthy-istic attitude toward "intolerance." Fuck me. I'm going to curl up into an even smaller ball now.

by douchenation at February 11, 2003 10:19 AM

Yeah, itís not fair to pigeonhole SUV drivers as trendy, gas guzzling, environmental haters. Some of them actually need to carry eight men through arctic tundra to get to their local Home Depot.

"What would Jesus drive"? Christians are so fucking dumb.

by MrBlank at February 11, 2003 10:30 AM

I had a professor in college who had seven kids. He drove a diesel powered station wagon. One day, he took our entire class on a field trip. 10 people in one car... comfortably I might add and with good fuel effeciency. Granted there are good reasons for some people to have large vehciles, but we all know that for many people it is just a fashion statement.

Remember RoboCop? They had the 6000 SUX. "I want a big car that gets really shitty gas mileage!"

I remember thinkin what a joke that car was getting only 9 miles to the gallon. Seems that the SUX was merely the precursor to the SUV.

I smell a column coming on.

by eff at February 13, 2003 10:30 AM

shit i almost forgot. I got an email from arianna huffington after this column ran in my paper. I didnt know what to make of it at first, but I confirmed it was legit. then the next thing i know.. well check this out. I will probably put it up a few more times because, what the fuck do we write for if it isnt for a little recognition.


by eff at February 13, 2003 10:32 AM

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