« revolution, evolution, masturbation, flagellation, united nations, congratulations | Main | Can't we all just talk about strippers? »


Believe It If You Need It, If You Don't Just Pass It On

by anna at 10:35 AM on February 16, 2003

Consider yourself lucky if you were busy exploring Mr. Blank's German orgasm site when the televised version of Are You Hot? aired on ABC. Wherein snippy Rod Stewart castoff Rachel Hunter and reptilian Lorenzo Lamos sit in judgment of contestant's physical attributes. Oh...my...God.

Many BS writers, Eff in particular, have chronicled the inexorable downfall of Western civilization. So as not to belabor the point, I myslf have shied away from commentary in that regard. But man, this is so over-the-top I could no longer maintain my silence.

Yet words alone can't begin to describe just how demeaning a spectacle this show is. I haven't a clue how lucrative the prize is. Nor do I know one's odds of cashing in on it. But whatever the figure is, it's insufficient. Bill Gates couldn't adequately compensate someone for debasing him or herself in this blatantly crass manner.

Contestants are rated on a scale from one to ten on facial structure, body and overall sex appeal. They stand there like slabs of meat on a hook as Hunter and Lamos pick away at every minute flaw they might discern. Legs too skinny! Too much thigh! But I love those sixpack abs!... What say you turn around so we can have a look at your ass? Hey, not bad! Now, about those teeth... Nice set a jugs! Are those real?...

What does this sound like? To me it sounds like a freaking slave auction. It's particularly egregious when they abuse a black guy this way. Lamos: Your shoulders aren't what you'd like in a field hand. Cotton-picking is hard work. Maybe you could be a houseboy. Hunter: He can be my houseboy any day! So what is the opening bid for this hunka hunka burnin' love? Do I hear $300?

At least slaves had an excuse in that they were coerced. These people have no such out. What this says about the sorry state of our culture is wide open to debate.

If there's any mitigating factor it's that these snakes reserve their most poisonous venom for gaunt Kate Moss lookalikes. Hunter: It's not sexy when your collarbone and ribs protrude. Contestant: Didn't Rod Stewart jilt you when you developed those unsightly love handles?

And that's not all. Are You Hot? throws in a polarizing geographic element for good measure. The episode I suffered through featured hotties and hunks from the Northeast Region. Thus you saw lots of New York waitresses with ethnic action going on. There were also scads of aspiring models from like New Hampshire or someplace. Next up, demure Southern belles who can suck the fruit from pastries without disturbing the crust alongside slack-jawed yahoos whose dads double as their brothers. Yee-ha!

I need to go take a scalding hot shower.

comments (6)

Holy shit! Is this real? No wonder the only channel I watch is Cartoon Network.

by MrBlank at February 16, 2003 4:09 PM

Damn straight it's real. When I chanced upon it @ first I thought it was some kind of spoof, but no. 9:00 Thursdays on yur local ABC affiliate.

by Anna at February 16, 2003 4:15 PM

I was asked to a casting call for that show, and believe me, there are about 20 more synonomous shows that will be hitting the airwaves, a great deal from Warner Bros. I think Excesscapacity will bring this putrid charade to a halt. And then they could just act out NPR on tv.

by Lockheed at February 16, 2003 5:15 PM

I actually enjoyed the show. Something about people who think they are beautiful being told their teeth are bad, their haircut is awful, and their asses are a little too fat really makes me laugh. It's the same reason I like Americon Idol - seeing someong have their dreams destroyed in front of their eyes is just very entertaining.

by mg at February 16, 2003 5:27 PM

I can always count on you for a fresh perspective MG. I'll tune in Thursday w/ those thoughts in mind. And let's face it, I didn't sit there riveted for an hour to do research for this post.

by Anna at February 17, 2003 7:33 AM

I agree. It was great seeing some of their bubbles burst right before millions of people. I watched for about fifteen minutes, and then realized that my tastes were not quite the same as the sort-of-been judges. It's a big reality check brought to you by American Pop Culture and some guy named Bob.

by quicksilver at February 18, 2003 10:16 AM

comments are closed