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After The Deluge

by anna at 09:31 PM on February 23, 2003

Yesterday was one of the most taxing days of my life. In the middle of repairing our disposal it comes to my attention that the basement is flooded in multiple areas. Water was bubbling up from gaping cracks in the foundation when it wasn’t seeping through the walls. We spent eight hours toiling away with quick-dry cement, a trowel, a wet/dry vacuum and a broom. It’s amazing how fast you become an accomplished mason when under pressure.

Needless to say, I turned in early. My fitful slumber was interrupted by the Foo Fighters performing on Saturday Night Live. They were playing a kick-ass number with a hook that went something like this, “In times like these, we learn how to live again. In times like these, we learn how to love again. And again.” While I presumed this to be a post-Sept 11 reference, it struck me that it could jut as readily apply to our present situation here at the House of Anna in shambles. Folks really do pull together in times of full-blown crisis, or at least we have.

Unfortunately, I was plagued by a dread of Sunday’s predicted thunderstorms. I couldn’t get back to sleep to save my life. So I log onto this site. Lo and behold, 16 users online even at this ungodly hour. I was reminded that MG once mentioned how Bad Sam attracts 1,500 unique hits per day. Dude, that’s a lot of traffic. Which got me to wondering why the majority of visitors seem to leave without a peep. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Well, I for one would really like to hear feedback from some of y’all. Which isn’t to say I don’t enjoy and welcome the regulars’ commentary, when it comes; just that it would be cool to hear what these others folks have on their minds as well. Think of it as open mike night, only without the god-awful comics, jeers and produce-hurling.

Posting comments is free, easy and good clean fun to boot. Plus you leave your indelible mark on the Internet which is the next best thing to being a losing contestant on Fear Factor. Now I realize some readers may be slacking @ work and thus fearful of detection. I know I’d be afraid to post a comment at my job. However, to quote Mr. Blank’s advice to Linz: *In the preferences of your web browser just empty the internet cash files and clear the history. Then don't have the comments form remember your information so no cookies are created. Bad Sam without a trace of evidence.* Ha!

I’ve suggested a few talking points below, but feel free to deviate, digress or whatever might strike your fancy. Pontificate, complain or wallow in self-defeat. Hell, say anything you please.

That said, let’s have your take on any of the following topics: 1) A recent Illinois Supreme Court ruling that will require sex offenders as young as 12 to register as sexual predators for the rest of their lives. 2) Masturbation, faked orgasms, porno and their role in promoting long-term relationships. 3) Whether, in the grand scheme of things, it really matters if Richard Gere ever shoved a gerbil up his ass. 4) Worst pickup lines you’ve ever heard or used. 5) Guys: Do you enjoy watching zesty lesbian action? Gals: Do you relish zesty guy-on-guy action? 6) Whether you feel phrases like *more cushion for the pushin’* and *pearl necklace* and *who’s your daddy* are degrading to women. 7) Legalized harems as a solution to America’s soaring divorce 8) The effect of roofies on college dating rituals and its corollary, Date Rape Etiquette. 9) Your thoughts on that Chicago woman who thwarted her rapist’s plans by daintily gnawing off his wiener. 10) Your thoughts on post-mortem lovin’ or morning quickies. 11) If humanity were annihilated and all that remained was its smut-strewn Net, what kind of impression would it leave on visiting aliens? 12) Titty rings.

I could go on but I'd best get back to bailing. It's like Noah's Ark around here.

comments (16)

i'll be the first to leave you a comment (unless someone leaves one while i write this... you better not!) except now it will have god-awful comics, jeers AND produce-hurling. Which isn't my fault of course.
1) Are there really 12 year old sex offenders? And if you know a female 16 yr old (good looking) sex offender can you send her over here?
2) Wait... those things prolong relationships now?... you should tell that to my ex-gf.
3) I think it does, but only if he shoved a cat up there to recover it... 3 times.
4) Nice shoes... want to fuck? (acctually thats the best) The worst being "Hello" being said by me.
5) Who doesn't?
6) Yes they are, but at least they are humorous... like this one time my friends and I were... err... nevermind, this is a childrens site.
7) Harems...?
8) Well, I don't know about college, but it sure has made High School Dating easier.
9) Pretty clever... I wish I had thought of that...
10) How did you even manage to combine these two?
11) I think they would be happy at the variety, hey hostile aliens love porn too!
12) As long as no one makes me get one... I'm ok with them... Though I bet it would hurt to have one ripped out... ouch.
*sigh* I am such a loyal new regular (btw I better still be first)

by LostSoul at February 23, 2003 10:19 PM

Woah, Anna, how did you manage to combine morning sex and necrophillia into the same talking point? I mean, sure, the main reason you'd only say no to the first is that sometime you wake up with breathe as bad as the stench of your partner in the second, but I still think morning sex is the best. Most guys wake up with an erection, its actually a real shame not to do something with it.

by mg at February 23, 2003 11:51 PM

Wow... this is my first comment and I've been reading BadSam since about Sept. I feel like a member of some elite group now, oh wait, I'm just hungry. Gotta love titty rings though, I have one myself, and it doesn't hurt as much as you think it would.

by Dmoney at February 24, 2003 3:03 AM

MG, the connection is obvious. Morning quickies necessarily involve relations with folks who smell less than optimal. So does necrophilia. And thanks for the commentary LostSoul and DMoney. You guys rock.

by Anna at February 24, 2003 7:45 AM

No, I don't think it matters that Richard Gere shoved a gerbil up his ass. Well it isn't so much that it doesn't matter, becuase to the poor gerbil it does, but just the Richard Gere doesn't really matter. I don't believe he actully exsists. I think he is just a holligram and a conspiracy holligram at that.

He is like the devil and the tooth fairy. I am sure there is a man named Richard Gere but he, as himself, doesn't really matter. At least that is what buddah says.

by sydney at February 24, 2003 9:54 AM

Since I am somewhat of a pick-up line collector (did you know they're called chat-up lines in Britain/Ireland?), here's one of my favorites:
Wanna go halvsies (sp?) on a bastard?
I first heard it in 8th grade. and I understood it. I guess I've always had a dirty mind.
I am a regular reader.. i just don't always have time to come up with a witty response to all ya'll's posts.

by leaffin at February 24, 2003 10:02 AM

Wow, I guess I don't have a dirty mind. It took me a couple ticks for that one to make sense to me though. Considering all the lame pick up lines that everyone's heard a million times, if we were giving out prizes I'd have to give you one for having something original. Not that I think that'd line ever work.

by mg at February 24, 2003 10:46 AM

Anna, I think the aliens would become earthlingized and, in time, learn to enjoy hot girl on girl lesbian action, masterbation, faked orgasms, porno, sex offenders/predators, pick up lines, degrading sexually referenced statements, harems, roofies, desperate women knawing on wieners, necrophilia, mornin lovin, and titty rings just like the rest of us sick bastards or, at least, get a chuckle at our audacity.

by Ezy at February 24, 2003 11:30 AM

i wouldn't worry about aliens thinking you're freaks based soley on internet content...they think it anyways. ;-p

by gnomar at February 24, 2003 12:15 PM

I just have to throw my vote in for #5 -- I love both zesty guy-on-guy action and girl-on-girl action.

As for #6 with the potentially degrading comments... I think it's only degrading if you think it's so. To some people, hearing "who's your daddy?" or "want a pearl necklace?" can be incredibly hot. Same with being called a whore or a slut in the bedroom -- you might not appreciate it outside of the bedroom, but during sex it can be a huge turnon. *shrug*

by Jen X at February 24, 2003 12:16 PM

Hi anna, it's funny, I haven't logged on in a few days, and I sorta missed you in a cyber-way ;) Talk about a pathetic sign of these rotten times. I don't know if I asked this before, but is it considered dorky if I do this: :) ;( 8^) and so on? Those shitfuck faces--- I'm fucking pissed, I blame Bush and Saddam and Cuntfuck Osama for ruining the bond market, wiping my whole month out in one day, causing every bond trader to be a pussy and sit on the sideline, or flock to a fucking bullshit yielding, I'm fucked. If I get fired, I will wield a dark secret.

by LOCKHEED at February 24, 2003 4:22 PM

I missed you too, Lckheed, in a creep cyber-way. i was afraid my appeal to other readers might have been taken the wrong way. BTW, my sister trades bonds and she's doing ok, I think. And as I've said B4, I don't know what all that code means. I'm not even sure that * = " ".

by Anna at February 24, 2003 6:37 PM

Forgot, Jen X, that's just too cool. Comment padding alert!

by Anna at February 24, 2003 6:40 PM

that's "cache"

by nancy at February 24, 2003 11:06 PM

Cash, cache, whatever! Remember, all the cache deleting in the world won't help you if your boss is always monitoring internet usage. Damn that big brother! Iím lucky. My boss canít even check e-mail without help. Maybe BadSam should be compatible with mobile devices (WAP). Your boss canít trace your cell phone.

And since Iím being quoted, the standard disclaimer applies: even if you do that ďclear cache stuffĒ, donít blame me if you get in trouble anyway.

by MrBlank at February 25, 2003 1:16 AM

I have to come once a day, so I frequently resort to the five-knuckle shuffle. My girlfriend and I both do it all the time, like a couple of zoo animals. As a matter of fact, a fun thing to do is watch each other spank--it often results in actual intercourse.

Solution for the staggering divorce rate: less marriage.

There should be a federal necrophilia standard: when the body dips below a certain temperature, you can no longer fuck it.

And fuck aliens. Why does everyone assume they are so much more intelligent than humans? Just once I'd like to see an alien depicted as a bumbling idiot: "Gweetings, earfwings...I am Corky--take me to yaw weader." If they wanted to be here, they'd be here. And if their aircrafts are so numerous and fast, why aren't we constantly hearing sonic booms? Did you hear that, aliens? FUCK YOU!

by douchenation at February 27, 2003 3:14 PM

comments are closed