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Dam the Torpedoes

by anna at 07:00 PM on December 10, 2002

A while back I posted When Less Is More. The gist of which was just that---everything doesn't need to be revealed. It met with an underwhelming 0 comments. Hopefully this continuation will fare better.

Girl comes on the radio. She's tellin' me more and more 'bout some useless information. Seems these Durex condoms could "prolong my passion" and quell my worries about contracting a nasty STD. No wonder I can't get no satisfaction. But seriously, flying in the face of all logic, this throaty-sounding chick would have you believe that rubbers enhance your sex life!

Likewise, some claim condoms saved porn, since its AIDS-afflicted stable o' stalwarts started dropping off like flies a few years back. But would anyone seriously argue that the product is as enjoyable this way? First there's the awkwardness of pulling it out and putting it on. Then there's the blatantly manipulated money shots. Safer, yes, sexier, fuhgetaboutit.

It's time to cleanse airwave of this irritant. Ditto for that Viagra ad where coworkers keep pestering this dude about whether he's been working out, shaved his moustache etc. Come to find out he's just resumed banging his SO after a long and perhaps welcome hiatus.

Before him we endured crotchety Bob Dole prattling on about Bob Dole's erectile dysfunction. One imagines that he's his post-menopausal wife Libby's worst nightmare. Envision him chasing her around their house as Jack Nicholson did his famly in The Shining.

Lastly allow me to present this from the files of Products Unlikely to Catch On. "Oh, you'd like some oral? Why then, I'll just insert my handy dental dam so I look like a dental patient or a boxer with his mouthpiece in place. Sexy, huh?"

"Bob, what happened? Just a minute ago, you were rearin' to go."

comments (6)

Like most guys, I think it's safe to say I'm no fan of condoms. But, there were some women where a dental dam didn't seem like such a bad idea. And, if I were to ever engage in analingus, I think I'd want one for sure.

by mg at December 11, 2002 10:32 AM

condoms: annoying but good
STDs, unwanted pregnancy: bad
Bob Dole with a hard-on: eek
dental dams: been around for years, someone must be buying them

by Linz at December 11, 2002 11:41 AM

MG, tell me you made up the word "analingus."

by anna at December 11, 2002 12:29 PM

he's just too shy to say rimjob.

by quicksilver at December 11, 2002 12:55 PM

Condoms can really slow you down if you're "Quick-Draw McGraw." My girlfriend's abandoning her pill (makes her face break out), so I'll be reverting to condom use in a couple of months. It's not awkward for me; I guess it's because we're so comfortable together. Besides, she's hot--am I not going to bang her because I need to use a rubber? I can put one on in two seconds flat, so it hardly seems like an annoyance to me. Regarding Bob and Liddy Dole, that's just frightening. I'll bet she has to be on top all the time because of that bum arm of his--I wonder of he puts the pencil down first, because that could cause a serious injury. And where is all this pornography with the participants using condoms? I've got tons, and there is not a rubber to be found in any of it.

by douchenation at December 15, 2002 2:46 PM

Well, DOUCH, that's because they don't make RUBBERS for HORSES. Here is a quick link to have private debate for members Badsamaritan. It's usually empty. So fists can fly.


Instead of Bob Dole chasing his wife, I'd rather see him chasing the Twins from THE SHINING, those creepy ones, I want them DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, because they are so damn freaky.

by LOCKHEED at December 15, 2002 2:56 PM

comments are closed