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Bad News: You're everything I hoped for, You're everything I need

by mg at 11:45 AM on December 19, 2002

UN officials have banned all movies and advertisements featuring uber-stud Brad Pitt, claiming the promotion could be humiliating to human looks.

UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan said, “Just look at that guy. He can’t be human. And if he is, it is just depressing. No one should be that good looking.”

The move comes as a part of a broader effort to reduce the number of non-human faces used in earthly entertainment. In comments directed at all the world’s media, Annan said the widespread use of impossibly angelic faces could create an inferiority complex amongst us mere mortals.

"Why do we need to use their faces in our advertisements? Are our own people not handsome?" Annan is quoted as saying. Commenting on the Pitt advertisement he added: "We barred him because it appeared as a humiliation against all humanity."

Pitt had no comment, other than that he and wife, Jennifer Aniston, will be returning to their home planet, where they are still the hottest couple in the entire world.

comments (19)

I nominate myself, Linz, Kim of attackofthesixfootwoman.blogspot.com, and Audra of thelandofaudra.com as the new spokespeople for the UN. I believe we're all sufficiently hot enough without being terribly "overangelic" such that we might offend sensitive French people.

by Gil at December 19, 2002 12:26 PM

I'm no homo, but Brad Pitt is a beautiful creature. That lucky son of a bitch! If I looked like that, I'd walk around the city nude.

by douchenation at December 19, 2002 12:31 PM

Thanks Gil! Nomination humbly accepted... (I'm blushing in a devilish way.)

by Linz at December 19, 2002 2:11 PM

What the hell, I'm attractive, why aren't I on that list?

by mg at December 19, 2002 2:37 PM

You could just edit his comment, and then you would be!

by Linz at December 19, 2002 4:30 PM

I dunno he looked pretty much like any other bearded dork during his mountain man phase. And Aniston used to be a man, I'm sure of it.

by Anna at December 19, 2002 7:15 PM

If Anniston used to be a man, he/she/it is the best-looking tranny I've ever seen. Secondly, can the U.N. do something about "lil' Miss Alternative" Drew Barrymore? It's not that she's too attractive, I could just do without her. Breaking news--Tom Cruise is NOT GAY.

by douchenation at December 19, 2002 7:59 PM

ouch linz! low blow!

by Shannon at December 19, 2002 9:47 PM

I wanted to clarify that there's a world of difference between a debonair goatee and the unruly mess that was Pitt's beard. One makes a cool fashion statement while the other says, "I haven't shaved in a month 'cuz I can't find my disposable razor."

by Anna at December 20, 2002 7:44 AM

Noos, I thought I was making a helpful suggestion! I was not casting any opinions on mg's attractiveness, as I haven't seen enough to gauge that accurately.

As for Brad Pitt, I am sorry to cast myself in a very common pool of the masses, but he is hot no matter what he does. I would take him scruffy any day.

by Linz at December 20, 2002 8:48 AM

Was that mess on Pitt's face for a movie role, or him just feeling bad for other guys? "Look at me...I'll allay others' insecurities by trying to make myself hideous." If that's the case, he could have just worn a Jack Klugman mask. And no disposable razor could have mowed that roadkill off of his mug--he must have employed a machete or a weed-wacker.

by douchenation at December 20, 2002 1:00 PM

Anticipating a collective "[who cares?]," I have decided to change my name from "douchenation" to the one below. Carry on...

by Xenos at December 20, 2002 4:05 PM

Why would you do something like that? Douchenation is a much superior name. It makes me laugh. I think it makes everyone laugh! It brightens our day and it heightens our mood! We love it. Yes, we love it!

(Whereas "Xenos" just reminds us of male-on-male Greek "wrestling.")

by Eviltom at December 20, 2002 5:20 PM

Xenos is a rather science-fiction-paganistic name, which scares me to the core, everytime I see such a prefix(Xeno), a hear Jerry Rafferty's Baker Street saxophone and funky synthesizer background.

by LOCKHEED at December 20, 2002 5:58 PM

You're right, Tommy me boy.

by Douchenation at December 20, 2002 7:51 PM

Just so we're clear, I was referring to Brad Pitt's face-mop above, not MG who looks coolly menacing in his thumbnail. Though I could see how someone could infer defferently given the comment sequence. As for you Douchenation/Xenos, you already had the funniest screen name I've ever seen. Plus, the change forced me to edit my next post. Please reconsider.

by Anna at December 20, 2002 7:57 PM

I've been stuck in my house for over a month without a job, drinking like Bono at an Irish wake. Already prone to depression, I sank to a new low today, and decided I needed a name that sounded meaner. At first, I thought of Xerxes (Persian king 5th cent. B.C.), because it sounds cool and the letter "x" connotes negativity. I decided on Xenos, but that sucked, too. So douchenation it is--I didn't know anyone dug it.
Ben Affleck and J.Lo really need to find a nice cliff to jump off. Watch the news and you'll hear shit like this: "Saddam Hussein today defied orders of the U.N.--wait, it seems Ben and Jen have been spotted Rollerblading in SoHo."

by douchenation at December 20, 2002 9:48 PM

Saddam and J. Lo would make a nice couple, though she'd have to share him w/ other harem members. Serves her right. Just Jenny from the block, my pimply ass.

by Anna at December 21, 2002 11:16 AM

MG, rereading your post I clicked on the link. OmiGod! I thought you were just fabricating that crap from whole cloth. But no, it's real.

by Anna at December 21, 2002 7:05 PM

comments are closed