In light of Senator Trent Lott’s recent comments (in regards to the 1948 Presidential candidacy of segregationist Strom Thurman), and subsequent backpedaling, other politicians are taking the chance to amend for past sins.
Adolf Hitler, 113 years old and living in Brazil, finally came out of hiding to say he was sorry for the whole Holocaust thing. In an internationally televised interview with the Jewish talk show host, Larry King, Hitler said that ordering the slaughter of 6 million Jews was "a mistake of the head, not the heart.”
Hitler said he thinks his voting record doesn't reflect his support for equality. “My actions in directly trying to help individuals and schools and communities and education in my country and those we and community development and infrastructure and to create jobs so that people can get up out of poverty and get a good education and get a job and be able to do more for their children -- isn't that a commitment that really matters?”
While he concedes he enacted policies that harmed Jewish people, Hitler maintains that on a personal level, he loves all people. “My accountant, he is a Jew. My favorite TV show is Will and Grace - a Jew and a homosexual living together - I thought I'd hate it, but it is hilarious.” Hitler then went on to invite Larry King, the Jew, to his home in Brazil, “I’ll show you my study Larry - I have a lamp with a beautiful shade that was made from a Jew. And if you look in my bathroom, where do you think those little seashell soaps came from? I love those soaps.”
“People only see me as dictator and war monger, but I am a nice person,” he said. “In 1937, before the war, I was on my way to church at the Koln Cathedral and saw an old blind Romany woman begging for money. Sure, I didn’t give her any, but I also didn’t call the police and have her arrested, beaten, and raped.”
“I did a lot of good things for the people in Germany, and all those other countries we invaded. But how was I to know that when I, as Chancellor, said ‘Kill the Jews’ that anyone would actually listen to me?”
Hitler has been in hiding since supposedly committing suicide at the end of World War II. When asked why he chose now to come out of hiding, he said “If Trent Lott can be forgiven, maybe there is hope that the people of the world will forgive me too. Even the Jews.”
Okay, after this, I'm so done talking about race for a while.
by mg at December 18, 2002 3:53 PM
This post is SO killer! Good stuff, mg.
You know what else you should do... how about writing a post where mg apologizes for the "insensitive" remarks he makes about some kid who kills himself while spitting off a balcony? Oh wait, you already did that. Oh man, that whole incident still cracks me up.
by Eviltom at December 18, 2002 4:40 PM
Now THAT is fucking funny (my shortest post yet...)!
by douchenation at December 18, 2002 5:56 PM
I wonder how "das fuhrer" would feel about the term "Hitler moustache" currently being used to describe a small, neatly-trimmed thatch of hair above a woman's vagina...
by douchenation at December 18, 2002 6:31 PM
Oh man, here we go again. In preparation for a welter of indignant comments,I'll just say this: Holocaust=worst atrocity ever. Post=funny as hell. Almost as funny as commentator #26 (fume with envy) to your last one, praising your site and then asking for a link to Lockheed's blog. As for the Lott business, I think Strom should run in '04. Even if he's dead. That didn't hurt Mel Carnahan in '00, did it?
by Anna at December 18, 2002 9:04 PM
I love Trent Lott! I hope the Republicans have more of this in store between now & 2004. It will make the getting rid of Bush easier (sorry mg).
by Linz at December 19, 2002 8:33 AM
Is that guy who is looking for news on this site reading this? Maybe this post will satisfy him.
by Gil at December 19, 2002 12:31 PM
Seriously, and in fairness to Sen. Lott, he did not *directly* (I guess the stars denote italics at BadSam) support segregation when he praised that fossil Strom Thurmond. Thurmond is the one who said, "Keep the Negroes away from my drinking fountains," not Lott. Lott's *suggestion* that America would be problem-free, had we elected Thurmond a thousand years ago, was a careless remark to say the least; it, albeit indirectly, supports Thurmond's racist views for sure. (And how the fuck is Thurmond still in politics anyway? Who's worse, he or the voters who keep him in?) If you support a guy whose political platform was built on a racist foundation, you're a racist, too. However, it's a different kind of racism--a surreptitious kind that I feel is more dangerous than the pulpit-pounding, Grand Wizard variety.
by douchenation at December 20, 2002 2:08 PM
Xenos is a fag.
by douchenation at December 20, 2002 11:53 PM
We're beating a dead horse commenting on this anew but all I took away from the Lott debacle was that this Strom not only still exists but is still a Senator. The Senate consists of 100 people and is very closely divided, I think. Which means that a vacant-eyed, 100 year fossil could cast a deciding vote!
by Anna at December 22, 2002 8:12 AM