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bad news: i'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

by mg at 09:10 AM on December 10, 2002

Hoping to tap into that extensive market of adolescent boys who are secure enough in their sexuality to disregard the opinions of their peers, Marvel Comics has announced they are introducing the first openly gay character in a comic book.

The character will be an update of the 1950s title the Rawhide Kid. According to CNN, the Rawhide Kid will use “double entendres and euphemisms to reveal his homosexuality without saying anything explicitly.” Ignoring the fact that if you use double entendres and euphemisms to reveal something, you aren't doing anything explicitly, the character really is gay.

Though the first issue hasn't even hit the shelves yet, several other characters from the western genre are in the works for homosexual reimaginings.

The spaghetti westerns of the 1960s have already been tapped for remakes. In preproduction is the The Good, the Fab, and the Ugly. In the new version, much more time is spent in the Union prisoner of war camp. Wilson Cruz (My So Called Life) is already on board to play Blondie (The Good), the role made famous by Clint Eastwood. If the film is successful, there is already talk of several more remakes with Cruz in the Eastwood role, including For a Few Dildos More, The Outed Josey Wales, and Fisted For Dollars.

Since he isn’t doing much of anything else, Kevin Costner is slated to write, star and direct in a gay porn remake of his Oscar winning film, now titled, Dances with Other Men. In the retelling, Lt. John Dunbar is left deserted on the Western frontier, only to be befriended by an all-male Indian tribe, and taught in the ways of man-love. He gradually earns the respect of these native people, and sheds his heterosexual ways.

When asked if he was going to renew his role in a homosexual remake of the Young Guns series, Kiefer Sutherland said, "Come on, those movies were pretty gay already. They shouldn’t have let me, Emilio, Charlie, Lou, and Christian star in a movie together. And that Bon Jovi soundtrack? Queer city!”

Television is also jumping into the revisionist western ring. The Cartwrights return to the Ponderosa in Bone-anza. Only in this retelling, Little Joe and Hoss, aren’t Ben’s sons, but his domestic partners. Also returning to the small screen is David Carradine who, despite still not being Asian or homosexual, will reprise his roll as Caine, the cross-dressing Shaolin monk in To Kung-Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

Though it hardly needs to do anything to gay itself up, I need some way to drive this joke into the ground, so Broadway is also lubing up to make some their frontier fables more fag-friendly. Opening in the Spring will be the interracial Seven Brothas for Seven Brothers, where a basketball team gets seperated from their wagon train on its way out West, and stumbles upon seven backwoods brothers. The brothers are so lonely and desperate for love they decide to kidnap the team and make the team their bitches. Hilarity ensues, all to a score by Rodgers and Hammerstein.

comments (13)

** Titles rejected from this post, Shootout at the All Gay Coral, Okloahomo, How the West Village Was Won, The Magnificent 7 Inches, and the Lone-Rump Ranger (with his partner, the fag-hag Twato).

by mg at December 10, 2002 9:16 AM

Tom Cruise is set to star in a remake of Seven Samurai.

Oh wait. He's NOT gay. I forgot.

by michele at December 10, 2002 9:35 AM

Great post! I don't really think that Marvel is the first to do this and of course they are going to make him campy. Openly gay main characters have been in independent comics for a while.

And what about BatMan? You know he's always been a sugar daddy to his Robin sidekicks. Why do you think he dresses them up in green Speedos? Even Jonny Quest had two "dads" who spent a lot of time together in the "lab".

He-Man was gay. He was a prince (Prince Adam, a porn name if I ever heard one.) who wore purple tights, shaved muscular body, transformed into that leather bondage stuff with the fury panties and never got it on with Teela or She-Ra. He was too busy chasing Skeletor's ass.

by MrBlank at December 10, 2002 9:51 AM

This is funny shit! Good going mg. Bad News has always been a favorite of mine. You're an *awesome* gay news writer. You managed your college paper right? Dude, also write some more Bad Advice columns.

by Eviltom at December 10, 2002 10:52 AM

I wasn't on the editorial side at the paper, I was on the business side. I only like making up stories, which would make me kind of a bad journalist.

by mg at December 10, 2002 10:59 AM

There are a lot of high-brow references here that are escaping me. Or do I mean low-brow?

by Linz at December 10, 2002 11:02 AM

Maybe you mean Uni-brow.

by Eviltom at December 10, 2002 11:20 AM

On the subject of gays in entertainment, does anyone still recall The Trouble With Normal starring John Goodman in his usual Everyman role except he allowed fellow fellows to... How come that didn't catch on like th insufferable Will and Grace did?

by anna at December 10, 2002 9:46 PM

So basically, when you say Gay, you mean male homosexuality? I guess we don't have many Marvel fans, because 'nevermind' homosex, let's talk about inter-species sex, (Bestiality). Wolverine, Beast, all those manly mutants, for one thing aren't human, and in Japan, there was a series of Wolverine(LOGAN) where he lived with a pack of wolves, and yes, copulated with them. If anyone can find this on EBAY, I'll pay $1000 U.S. for it.

by Lockheed at December 14, 2002 6:26 PM

Because John Goodman's character did not perpetuate stereotypes the way "Will & Graces'" do? I don't know--I've never seen either show.

by douchenation at December 16, 2002 10:40 PM

Me gusta el Pico

by Guillermo at August 16, 2003 10:57 PM

I do love "On this day" because it pointed me to this post that I have no recollection of writing. That is usually the case, which fortifies my belief that ideas come from the ether, and not from inside people. Either that, or I am just a forgetful crack head.

I do believe that the "To Kung-Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" reference is easily the cleverest or stupidest idea I've ever come up with.

by mg at December 10, 2003 5:31 PM

Strange, are gays different, so different that they must stay different and keep the tag "different" or will there be a day without - it must be gay to be gay or lets have a gay thing??
i never have a "straight" thing.. or i have a normal thing out there..

i guess the end of this debate is no debate - but that.. is much to normal for all those "keep me tagged" fags, homos, flikkers etc.. because if your not tagged, your not interesting. I know some nice guys who are upset by the tagging industries. Lets keep it all together without the cut and paste into packages and boxes.. but.. thats is not special.. is it?

by herodin at December 29, 2003 12:15 AM

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