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"All I want are frickin' sharks with frickin' lasers on their foreheads."

by doyce at 12:19 PM on December 13, 2002

Neighbors of technically-still-alive VP Dick Cheney are being shaken and rattled at least once a day by mysterious blasts at the U.S. Naval Observatory where Cheney lives.

(Yeah, the VP 'lives' at a military installation, as though everything you already knew about the current administration needed get more creepy and disturbing and Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.)

The Navy says the explosions are part of a construction project that has been going on for several months now but won't say more because the project is classified, describing the work as an "infrastructure improvement, a utility upgrade," but really meaning "structural reinforcement of the entire area in anticipation of the extinction-level events that the VP orally describes during his nightly ether-induced REM cycles -- a process he has disturbingly nicknamed 'my nocturnal emissions.'"

Neighborhood rumors, speculation, and hypotheses -- which suggest an interlinked cave network filled with leather fetish gear, radium-laced rat's blood for clear and supple skin, and more giggling Persian boys than a Vatican-load of archbishops could deny -- have been dismissed by Washington D.C. press secretaries, since the whole 'underground complex' idea is so Austin Powers, and all that's really down there is a network of blank corridors that lead to empty, dark rooms where Dick likes to lay down on the cold tile and stretch his body into the form granted him by the Great Old Ones in exchange for the shiveled thing that used to be his soul.

"Ia, Ia, Ia," the spokesperson continued as her spine bent into a painful reversed 'U' and her eyes bulged. "The Goat with a Thousand Young! The Unnameable Thing once contained within the Pentagon will devour us all! Thank you all for coming and please leave your press passes at the door."

comments (11)

I think people give poor Dick a bad rap. I don't understand it, after Dave Letterman gets a quadruple bypass surgery everyone thinks he is warm and cuddly now, but Cheney just has a couple three heart attacks and he is thought of worse than the pre-big finale Grinch. Besides, would you really want Willie Tanner as vice-president right now?

by mg at December 13, 2002 2:42 PM

Something about him just attracts the torches and pitchforks, I guess. Witness Is Dick Cheney Dead Yet, which was around long before he was a Veep.

by Doyce at December 13, 2002 3:30 PM

Oh, my god, I love that last paragraph! Love it! Want to BE it!

Oh, my. haaahhh....

by Linz at December 13, 2002 4:25 PM

My home isn't too far from there. I've gotta go ow to start excavation of my basement lest those pedophile bishops beat me to the gigging Persian boys. As for Cehnecy, aside fro the fact he was separated @ birth from Jabba the Hutt, I dunno why people are so quick to pounce on him.

by anna at December 13, 2002 10:11 PM

Aren't Vice Presidents always pounced on? Isn't it just the HIP thing to do? Because to make fun of the President is so cliched. I wish there were more Michael Bloomberg or Lieberman satires. Or even Alan Greenspan(King Herod) satires.

by Lockheed at December 14, 2002 12:16 AM

PS: Sorry about all the typos above. My monitor is shot so it's difficult to see the text in the grey comment box. Maybe I'll get a new one for Christmas. Or else I'll go blind.

by anna at December 14, 2002 10:24 AM

I love Lockheed's view here...
It is cliched to make fun of the VP, simply because it is such a useless position. I mean, how would you like to be elected to the position of "In-case-the-President-croaks-you're-President." In his absence, Cheney has become far more intriguing than he could have been, had he "accomplished" the mundane tasks of extolling the fantasy of the American family or bad-mouthing Murphey Brown.

by douchenation at December 15, 2002 2:59 AM

Incidentally, the reason Dave Letterman is considered "warm and cuddly" could possibly arise from the fact he is a talk-show host, and not in line to lead the free world (regardless of what you consider free). While this was probably a rhetorical question, I decided to answer it anyway--because it's pretty stupid. No offense.

by douchenation at December 15, 2002 3:18 AM

Excuse my ignorance, but how far down the succession chain is Colin Powell? If Cheney were to die, that would leave another guy in line, right? If THAT guy were to die, wouldn't Powell become eligible? And if Powell were to become VP, would Chris Rock's prediction come true--that "some Black guy would just shoot the President" [to ensure a Black President]? It was a funny bit, but shit--it seems closer than anyone could have expected.
(Chris Rock's "Bring the Pain" is the source of my query).

by douchenation at December 17, 2002 12:25 AM

At this point I think it's:

Bush dies, then Dick dies, then it's President Hastert, the first Wrestling Coach president.

After that, I'm not sure.

by Doyce at December 17, 2002 12:31 AM

Having spent some time in Illinois, I get the impression Hastert is a good guy. We have had presidents who were far worse things than a Wrestling Coach (actor, football player).

According to this site Powell is fourth down the line. The liklihood he'd become president through assisination or resignation is virtually non-existent.

by mg at December 17, 2002 12:54 AM

comments are closed