« just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me | Main | link of the day »

mg

bad news: easy... you don't lead 'em so much

by mg at 11:29 AM on October 18, 2002

Earlier this week, police in Maryland offered several tips for protection against sniper-style shootings. Always looking for ways to help, Bad Samaritan has compiled a revised list of tips for your protection:

1. While outside, try to keep moving. A moving target is more difficult to hit than one that is standing still. The best way to keep yourself in constant motion is to drink plenty of coffee and not allow yourself to pee. We’ve tried it, it works.

2. If you must remain in one place in an area where you feel vulnerable, select the darkest part of the area to sit or stand in. If there are no darkened areas, you may be required to shoot out a few lampposts, this is exactly the reason why God wrote the Second Amendment.

3. When moving outside, walk briskly in a zigzag pattern. Consume two shots of Tequila for every 15 minutes you plan to be outside, this will guarantee a certain amount of random zigzagging, and will confuse any would-be snipers. If you will be driving, consume only one shot of Tequila for every 15 minutes you plan to be outside.

4. To guarantee absolute safety when you must be outside, crawl on your stomach. Bring several changes of shirt and pants with you wherever you go. Buy a case of Shout stain remover.

5. If you must stand outside, try to keep some type of protective cover between yourself and any open areas where a sniper might be located. For example, if you are fueling your car, stand between your vehicle and the gas pump and bend your knees to lower your profile. If all else fails, stand behind a fat person.

6. If you are fired on in an open area, drop to the ground and roll away from where you were standing. Look for the closest protective cover and run toward it in short, zigzag dashes. If you find yourself frozen and unable to move, try urinating yourself – the suns’ glare off the resulting puddle will confuse any would-be sniper.

7. Be constantly aware of your surroundings while outside. Note any suspicious vehicles or activities, especially people with dark skin or strange accents. Move away from them and report them to the police, or head back to the trailer park and get your unemployed boyfriend and his three brothers to beat that person with tire irons and aluminum baseball bats. They may end up being just really tan or from Minnesota, but better safe than sorry.

8. Remember that a sniper with the right equipment can shoot accurately from about 500 yards away, the equivalent of five football fields. If you absolutely must be around strangers, stand no closer than 500 yards from anyone. This may require a small boat and a large body of water.

9. Avoid clothing from Target. If you must wear something bought from a discount retailer, stick to K-Mart or Wal-Mart. Though their clothes are of poorer quality, better to be unfashionable than dead.

10. If you see a cream-colored van or a White SUV moving at slow speeds, it may be the Beltway Sniper or O.J. Simpson. In either case, get away as quickly as possible.

If you’ve any more helpful hints for avoiding snipers, please add to the list.

comments (5)

What, no more suggestions? Am I the only one who wants to go to hell?

by mg at October 18, 2002 4:27 PM


It might be a good idea to carry a firearm of your own of some sort, so that if the sniper does show up, you can shoot back and possibly wound him, slowing him enough for the police to get their man. Since the sniper will perforce be some distance away, you should probably use a high-powered rifle so that you stand the best chance of fulfilling your civic duty. To prevent anything from happening to begin with, carry it openly-- it will be a strong deterrent, and say to the sniper, "Ho there, foul fiend, we're scared of you!" To be safe, though, you should wear a sign as well, reading "NOT SNIPER", or similar, so that you don't mislead anyone and take valuable time away from the investigation.

by Adam at October 21, 2002 9:27 AM


Damn it, that should say "we're not scared of you". I left out the 'not'.

by Adam at October 21, 2002 2:18 PM


You could fashion your very own bullet-resistant garment. Pick up a couple cookie sheets (make sure to use the steel ones) and pop-rivet them to a t-shirt. Or we could start our very own cottage industry manufacturing platemail armor.
In all seriousness, I hope they capture and/or end the bastard doing the shooting. I have no patience for deviants, particularly those with a scope.

by Frank at October 22, 2002 11:39 PM


mg, the onion should have asked you, your list was better...

http://www.theonion.com/onion3839/infograph_3839.html

by Linz at October 25, 2002 9:31 AM



comments are closed