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bad advice: clearing up a nasty case of gamophobia

by mg at 11:43 AM on October 09, 2002

An anonymous Googler came to the site asking:

how to end relationship with commitment phobe

If you are dating a commitment phobe, the surest way to get them out the door is to profess your undying love. Ask them to move in. Invite them to meet your parents. That commitment phobe will be gone so quick they'll leave your head spinning like a bobble-head doll on an out of control carousel. Actually, that technique would work on pretty much any guy.

The great thing about this plan is that your ex-significant other will think they were the one who did the breaking up, even though youíll know it was all your idea. That way, if you decide to get back together, even if just for pity sex, they'll go out of their way to make it up to you for being such a jerk and leaving in the first place. They'll feel so guilty, nothing will be out of the question, expensive gifts, doing the dishes, back door loving; it'll all be game.

At first glance, this seems a given. You are dating a commitment phobe; they'll be the one doing the breaking up with you. The real question should be how to hold on to a commitment phobe. And while the answer to this question is just as obvious, the execution of the solution gets a little.

The only way to hold on to a commitment phobe is blackmail: physical or emotional.

Physical blackmail is easy; be the best fuck your partner has ever had. Adding to that a constant barrage of verbal abuse will help you get your claws in deeper. Criticize their appearance, their choice of career, their sexual prowess, their body odor and fashion sense.

Think of all the things you can do to belittle them, and then do it. The idea is to make them think they are worthless; that if they were to leave you no one else would ever love them.

The one-two punch offered by using your body to show them the best sex they've ever had and using your mind to convince them that if they leave you, theyíll never have sex again will ensure that they will be too shattered to ever leave your comforting bosom.

Emotional blackmail is a little trickier, and youíll have to be a lot more creative. The idea behind emotional blackmail is to pretend something is wrong with you so as to make your significant other think they are a terrible cad if they were to leave you.

If you are a woman, pretend you are pregnant, or, better still, since thatíll only work a couple weeks (unless you also fake a spontaneous miscarriage), get pregnant by another guy and make your man think its his kid. If you are a fella, fake a bad accident, amnesia. If you are really desperate, fake a coma; only a completely soulless individual would leave a guy in a coma.

Be creative. If you canít think up something on your own just watch a lot of soap operas for inspiration. Soap operas are a veritable fount of information regarding emotional blackmail. Iíve seen countless variations of the theme in my years of daytime and primetime viewing. Those writers obviously have never gotten dumped, or have learned from their mistakes.

If youíd like to learn from my mistakes write for some Bad Advice. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and your head up her skirt.

comments (7)

MG is always full of Infinite Wisdom. Infinite, I tell you.

by Lucy at October 9, 2002 12:20 PM

It seems so strange that someone would have trouble breaking up with a commitment phobe. Just scare them! Sneak up behind them and say "I WANT BABIES" real loud. That should do it.

Not that your advice isn't killer, mg. I mean, blowing someone's confidence with mindfucking, while mindblowing them with confident fucking, now that's a great combo. They should serve that up at the drive-thru.

by Linz at October 10, 2002 11:20 AM

Linz, you are my savior.

by Helen at December 3, 2002 9:34 PM

What the hell, aren't I anyone's savior?

by mg at December 3, 2002 10:15 PM


I have a guy that I met and wondered if you can help. I know that everyone would say move on. But, I am not done yet. 1st I met this guy,steve, through a friend of mine that is like my father he is 55 years of age, anyway, steve treated me pretty good for the most part when I first met him, but he thought I was moving away, but as he felt I got a little closer to him, he seemed to be distant. Then when I showed more interest in him he really seemed to distant himself from me, but he kept making exuse after exuse of why he wouldn't put down his so called wall. He did keep me in his life for about 2 years off and on. One excuse was that he didn't want to get into a relationship after his kids where out of high school well, his last kid is graduating this year. Anyway, he happened to call on a friday and I was working extra and he said he called to surprise me. I just took it as a friendly gesture nothing more, because I felt he was really just using me for sex. Anyway, I don't know why I was stupid to allow it, but anyway, he two days later bad mouthed me behind my back and I was furious when I found out. I let him know how I felt and said I was really disappointed that he would talk about me in such ways. We did talk in oct of last year and I did admit to him that I didn't blame everything on him as far as mind games because I did allow it and how I had these feelings for him and told him I was off his back. He asked if we could keep in contact and I said sure. But then in march we talked on friendly terms on that friday and two days later ,like I said ,was bad mouthing me. This guy is not lost for words when I first phoned him he really didn't have much to say, I think lost for words as I was: his son was home so I told him I would speak with him later. More info. came out and I e-mailied him about what I mentioned above. A few months later I texted him and asked if we could speak as friends, because I really hate to be enemies. He usually would respond, nothing. I guess I hit home with the letter. Well, I don't think I need to apologize. I realize this guy is a commitment phobe and realized I delt with him all wrong. I tried to respect him, knowing what he has been through with his ex wife(his story anyway). A friend of mine said he would be back to really give him time back I really wounded him(poor baby),if he does how do I deal with this fool. I know he is a good man; I see him be respectable to others around me, but me and could not understand what I did so bad. He treated me worse then his wife and I didn't do anything to him but try to respect him and I made damn sure I did not cling to him and let him be in control of things. DId I drop to his every whim no.

by michelle at June 12, 2005 4:44 AM

currently, i am in a state of shock, after being dumped by an extremely loving bf. now i can't tell if he dropped me because of commitment phobia or is he gay? our problems started the exact day he subrented his apt to an ex-con. from that day his attitude and the way he treated me did a flip. before it had been flowers, cards, romantic diners, professed love forever, talking about the future together, comparing us to his loving parents' longtime marriage, song dedications etc. the pattern of change started the night he moved this ex-con into his apt. he came in to my house drunk, hostile and passed out. it continued on until we broke up, and he moved back to his place. the night after the break-up i saw them out together, sitting side by side on a bench, really close. i guess the only reason i care is because i want to know how to tell, so this does not happen to me again. it makes me feel sick to my stomach, sad, depressed, low self esteem, heart broken and lonely. help!

by victoriavallis at July 4, 2005 9:59 AM

i think that perhaps relationships are meant to be taken without love first off so u no wat ur gettin into ... then when u realise what its like think bout falling in love??
ive been wid my new bf 4 almost 2 months and i havent even met him yet ... he never doubts our relationship and is always telling me he loves me...
sum ppl say dnt believe it that its a game, but i feel so secure and the way he tlks 2 me on thew fone sounds so honest and caring, he wishes me a gr8 day and always calls to make sure im ok and not upset or fighting with any of my friends, i mean im only 17 but omg! im in love... and he hasnt judged me... i have a 6month old daughter and she is my life but i thought he wud give up on a relationship when he found out but he really loves talkin to her on the fone when he calls me, he is currently in melbourne and is planning to move to tasmania to be with me
god bless him!
hope my advice at the start helps any1 just a lil bit xxxx peace

by samantha at May 21, 2008 6:07 AM

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