It’s eight o’clock on a Saturday morning, and as usual, I’m up and pondering the vagaries of the universe. God, there are times I wish I still could drink like I did in college. At least that way, I’d still be asleep. Sure, I’d wake up with a hangover, but at least it would be at a decent hour- like noon, f’rinstance….
So here I am, awake and thinking- not always a safe combination. It occurs to me that there are still many things in this world I fail to comprehend. Now, before everyone else crawls out of bed at the crack of 11, I have the time available to ponder life, the universe, and everything else. Here goes….
My list today is short. Actually, there’s only one item- the 55 MPH speed limit here in the Houston area. The state of Texas, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that in an effort to reduce pollution, speed limits in the metropolitan area would be reduced from 65-70 MPH to a uniform 55. Of course, this flies in the face of two very obvious facts:
1) NO ONE in Houston drives 55 unless they have a death wish. It just isn’t safe to drive that slowly. When a driver in Texas is stopped for speeding, they are actually cited for driving in an unsafe manner. The Harris County DA has discovered that the law is written in such a way that a driver can claim that he/she HAD to exceed the speed limit in order to drive safely- after all, everyone else is. This loophole could tie our court system in knots.
2) Most of the pollution in the Houston metropolitan area is generated by large industry- refineries, chemical plants, etc. For some reason, industry is being required to carry exactly NONE of the burden when it comes to reducing pollution. It might have something to do with large donations made to politicians over the past few years. Money and politics? Really?? Hmmm….
The city, state, and county have spent millions replacing every single speed limit sign in the eight county metropolitan area. Now, some officials are wondering if the whole thing was really such a good idea. That’s right, guys, the horses are out of the barn; time to get the horses….
OK, so Houston has the worst air pollution in the country. Look how effectively we’re dealing with it, though. Houston is also the fattest city in the country. I shudder to think how we’re going to cope with that….
Yeah, Houston sucks. It's always 400 degress with 900% humidity and the entire town is a ghetto, except for a few million dollar homes, which are also in a ghetto.
Plus the people there are mean and I'm tired of not being able to mess with Texas. I thought cowboys were fun, happy people that dress with frilly leather and ride horses. This is not the case! Also, cowboys smell bad.
Furthermore, I don't care for: Cincinatti, Los Angeles, Denver, and other cities. I like Detroit because they have a monorail somewhere. New York has no monorail, but they do have an overpriced McDonald's right outside Grand Central. I'll take the $5.99 EXTRA VALUE MEAL PLEASE!
Monorails can benefit a city in many ways. A futuristic monorail conveys a sense of vision and progress. Monorails make otherwise dreary and hungover commuters feel like they're riding towards the future! A future that doesn't include cubicles and development methodologies.
This is where Microsoft .NET comes in, which enables commuters to code in VB or C# while they ride monorails. Later, they can point, click, and create web services, putting overpriced and over-egoed consultants out of jobs.
This benefits society by forcing consultants to get real jobs and stop whining about being consultants.
Killer bees are the real threat to society.
by HoustonH8er at May 11, 2002 9:52 AM