« Insert math joke here. | Main | link of the day »
i never give you my pillow, i only send you my invitations
by mg at 11:04 PM on May 20, 2002
Some of you are likely to hate me for what I'm about to share. But, since I share everything, I have to give this up to you. I may write my heart out here, many of you know more about me than people I see everyday, but I’ll never let anyone’s opinion of me change the way I live my life. I will be who I have to be, no matter what any of you think of me.
So, here goes, hate me if you want, but I am too thin. No matter how much I eat I can’t seem to put on the pounds. Sure, I'm a vegetarian, eat healthy otherwise, and have a moderately active lifestyle. But even when I’m putting away whole packages of Chips Ahoy cookies or devouring entire tubs of rocky road ice cream in one sitting, I just can't seem to gain weight. I drink beer and tons of cheese, but there is not an ounce of fat on me.
I used to be a chubby baby. I was a giant of a baby. I was one of those kids that go on Maury Povich because they weigh a deuce at age three. But as my height increased, my weight has stayed pretty much the same. People have been telling me for years now that I look thin. I've always gotten offended. I don’t think my weight is anyone else's concern.
I don't go around telling people they are fat. That is the kind of thing you can get sued for these days. For some reason being tubby is considered a lifestyle choice or immutable characteristic, like race or religion that must be protected. But being skinny is a symptom of an eating disorder. People always claim that this country prizes weight too highly, puts too much pressure on girls to be thing, but how come Calista Flockhart is considered a freak, but Rosie O’Donnell is a jolly and loveable figure?
Besides, I never thought I was that thin. I certainly don't think I'm fat; I'm not running to the bathroom after a big meal and jamming digits down my esophagus. I just figured I was maybe a little light, but solidly within the range for someone my height and build.
But a couple days ago I was looking at myself in the mirror naked. What, you don't spend hours a day looking at yourself in the mirror naked? When you are unemployed you've got to find other things to keep you occupied all day. Am I right my jobless peeps?
I could always see the hint of my ribcage underneath the skin. But as I was looking at myself I could actually count my ribs. There were 12 (would be 13 if it weren't for that bitch Eve). Hey Eve, I want my rib back. And don't forget to give me back my black t-shirt.
If you can count your ribs, I think that is a problem. If only flies were landing on my face and Sally Struthers walking around, I'd have people sending me 40 cents a day (less than the price of a cup of coffee). Which wouldn’t be so bad, really. I mean, if anyone wanted to send me 40 cents a day, I could guarantee you I’d spend the money on donuts, or something equally as fatty. There is even a Dunkin Donuts only a block away from my house. And another one three blocks away from my house.
The point is, I guess, I’ve finally realized I have a problem. I just don’t know how to fix it. I don’t think I could physically eat more food. Sure, I could, but I don’t want to force myself, not when there are starving children in Denmark (or someplace equally as far away sounding). So, what do I do, tell me, my generally overweight American friends, how do I put on the pounds?
comments (12)
lemme tell ya pal, there are plenty of ways to put on weight. here are some tried-and-true methods (or so i hear):
- start having sex with really fat gals. i mean *really* fat. all that rubbing against her skin will transfer some blubber to you via osmosis... or fatmosis... or whatever the scientific term is.
- when performing oral sex, lube it up with a generous helping of crisco. for full effectiveness, you have to swallow, not spit.
- this one requires minor surgery, but it's worth it... get a big sponge, sop it in melted butter (overnight if possible), and substitute it for your liver. bonus if you replace your kidneys as well.
- toilet paper? bah! start wiping your ass with slices of craft american cheese.
- "'scuse me, ms. o'donnell, may i suckle on our nipple?"
now you have no excuses. start putting on the pounds, small fry.
by Eviltom at May 20, 2002 11:49 PM
Boy, you gotta carry that weight.
Anyway, I do have a solution, a rather unconventional one that you *might* scoff at, but I'll send it to you via email (since it's pretty long to explain) anyway.
by Girl w/KaleidoscopeEyes at May 21, 2002 2:19 AM
Some backstage information, if you are into that sort of thing. Normally I write my entries on my laptop or my PDA if I'm away from home. For this entry, I'd temporarily misplaced my PDA, so I wrote the majority of this entry on paper and typed it up when I got home. I decided to scan in the first page to, I don't know, get a little closer. So, here is that hand-written page. You can see how horrendous my penmanship is, and also notice the changes between the original and finished version of the entry. Maybe this is interesting, maybe it isn't, but it's here anyway.
by mg at May 21, 2002 5:25 PM
Body size, big or small, *is* an immutable characteristic for some people, or at least nearly so. I've got two different medical conditions and genetics working against me; medication helps keep me from being even bigger than I already am, but I doubt I'll ever have a conventional body, and the only time in my life I ever did it was because I was starving myself and after awhile, fainting just got old. Dieting and exercise don't do a damned thing, although I do try to generally eat healthy and be active. I'd be willing to bet that you probably have something medical or genetic or both working against you ever being particularly beefy. You should talk to a doctor sometime about it, just in case it's anything serious or chronic. Chances are you'll find more girls dig skinny boys than boys dig fat girls. Calista Flockhart has indeed gotten a lot of unfair flack for being tiny, but our media and culture have hardly been as kind to fat people as you seem to think. I get shit or - sometimes worse - feel invisible for being a fat woman on a regular basis. It's something I'm pretty much used to, but still, it can be a really painful, humiliating thing. If being thin turns out to just be how you're meant to be, try to accept and value yourself and surround yourself with other people who do as well.
by Chris at May 21, 2002 6:36 PM
Try Ensure? An old (very very thin) friend of mine swears by it. Although, I must admit--she's still pretty damn thin. LOL
by skits at May 21, 2002 7:39 PM
you could probably just wear really heavy shoes, or something.
by Kaleidoscope at May 21, 2002 8:10 PM
I'm real thin and I'm glad to be. By the time I'm 40 I'll start to gain some weight and fill out while all the other guys grow beer bellies. Then I'll be a hottie and get all the chicks.
That's what I tell myself anyway.
by MrBlank at May 23, 2002 12:53 PM
Well first, I think it's fine if your ribs show.
Anyway... Here's a recipe for a yummy, good for you, calorie filled shake:
(all measurements are approximate)
a couple of cups of milk (soy or dairy)
a big scoop of peanut butter
some chocolate syrup
a bit of honey
Blend until smooth. You could also add some protein powder. Maybe a scoop of ice cream added would be nice?
by Staci at May 23, 2002 5:44 PM
I have absolutely no idea about how to actually increase body fat. It's mainly genetic/hormonal, I believe. I don't think it's possible to gain body fat if your body isn't made for it. But if you want to bulk up your appearance, you could hit the gym and work on building your abs and pecs, gaining muscle instead of fat. I've had a lot of skinny friends do this successfully.
by Charles at May 24, 2002 11:18 AM
I tried your shake Staci. It made me realise that I don't really like peanut butter unless there is Wonder Bread and Jelly involved.
by mg at May 24, 2002 12:04 PM
Oh darn... Well, I did forget to type "one frozen banana", but that probably wouldn't have made it (taste) much better for you.
I've read that being slightly underweight could be better for you anyway.
So, you'll probably live a nice, long, healthy life!
Take care of yourself.
by Staci at May 24, 2002 7:14 PM
You know... I think that if you start eating more meat, no candies, they give you unhealthy fat not good thing, and doing a little exercise per day. You'll gain weight by eating more than usual and you'll get a small amount of muscle that will help you hide your thinness.
by Liliona at January 27, 2006 10:48 AM