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Horrorscopes: astrology for the criminally insane

by mg at 03:42 PM on May 03, 2002

Though it is in my nature to do that sort of thing, I'm not going to write a long winded introduction. This is the second installment (view your April Stars), of this new (monthly?) feature.

There is some disturbance in the force, because these were a little bit harder to write. Uhm, I mean, decipher. Yeah, that's it. If they are as tough to decipher next month, I may give up. Either that, or take a class at the Learning Annex and learn how to fully utilize my gift.

At any rate, I repeat again, Horrorscopes: Astrology for the criminally Insane.

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Taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The neighbors start to suspect when they only ever see you take laundry out of the building, but never bring it back. Maybe they need 15 minutes in your spin cycle?

Gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
By the time you climb all the stairs of University of Texas Tower classes have already been let out for the summer. Perhaps it is time to think about that gym membership?

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The stars know what you did last summer.

Leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Covering up the Nazi symbol tattooed on your forehead before your next parole hearing was a good idea. Covering up the Nazi symbol on your forehead with a “I (heart) Satan” tattoo was a bad idea.

Virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Though disturbing, entering people’s dreams to steal their clothing before that big final exam isn’t nearly as menacing as wearing one of those knife-hand glove thing and ripping their hearts out.

Libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Jobs – Jobs – Jobs
Now hiring 24 Hrs/7 Days
Full-time, Part-time, No Exp. Nec.
Govt/Postal Jobs - starting at $12/hr.

Scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You're dreams of becoming a vampire are dashed after your little sister accidentally lets your pet bat out of its cage. Your mom gets so freaks out she hits it with a broom, killing poor Lestat Jr. instantly.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The thing about advice is that everyone is giving it but no one is taking it. This month, the voices in your head have a lot to say; maybe it's time you started listening?

Capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Being a serial killer requires actually murdering more than one person. Choosing to murder child-starts who grew up normal as your modus operandi isn’t going to leave you with many options.

Aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Aquarius, don't just stare at it. Eat it.

Pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If you’re just finishing up a nice dinner and you’re getting in the car to drive home when you suddenly realize you’ve left your gun in the restaurant, just forget about it. Stay in the car and take your wife home. You can always go back in the morning to pick up your gun. Believe the stars on this one.

Aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Jodie Foster may not respond to your letters now, but shooting at President Reagan will certainly make her love you. Besides, he'll forget all about it in a couple minutes anyway.

comments (5)

I never leave my gun in the restaurant. The bathroom, maybe.

by The Dodd at May 3, 2002 5:02 PM

So once I get the job, it'll be a total bear for them to fire me, right? 'Cuz I could slack for $12/hour, no problem.

by Antwon at May 3, 2002 8:42 PM

Taurus: contemplate domestic turmoil.
Aquarius: abandon hope for future plans.

by andrew at May 4, 2002 3:08 AM

Great, I see him ALMOST NUDE then he calls me a freaking nazi who loves SATIN! Your going for broke right? haha I would never tattoo THAT on my forehead or be the guest of honor at a parole hearing BUT I would tattoo something somewhere....well I have...but thats beside the point I guess...

by Pristine at May 5, 2002 1:24 AM

I did eat it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yummy tastes like chicken!!!

by aquarius at September 26, 2003 5:53 PM

comments are closed