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mg

bite the bullet, hold your tongue and play the happy prole

by mg at 02:14 PM on May 01, 2002

I had a job interview today. Howd it go, you ask? I left the interview, took a seat in Bryant Park and wrote this, the cover letter to end all cover letters:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am applying for the job of INSERT JOB TITLE HERE. You may review my attached resume to learn all about my vast experience and the unique qualities that make me perfect for the INSERT POSITION TITLE HERE.

Of course, there is surely someone more qualified out there. Someone with more experience.
Maybe there is someone from within your company and you've got a policy to always hire from within. Maybe the Executive Vice President's second cousin is looking for a job and you owe him a favor because he never told anyone about the time he found you drunk and naked in the copy room. Maybe some busty blonde slipped naked pictures of herself into her resume. There are plenty of reasons you probably wont hire me.

But, before you make that hasty choice, let me tell you something. I haven't had full time work in nearly a year. I am hungry. So very hungry. I will do anything to get this job. Have you always wanted to try out your very own casting couch but were afraid of the sexual harassment lawsuits? Don't worry, touch me wherever you want and Ill never tell another living soul. I don't care if you are male or female; I want this job. And remember, I haven't had a nine to five since last June, so there will be nothing too kinky for me. Cleveland Steamer? Ive always considered Cleveland to be the most unappreciated American city.

I want this job.

And if I am lucky enough to get this job, I will do anything to keep it. Have you been embezzling money from the company for years, and they are just about to find out? I'll help you cover it up. And if the shit is really about to hit the fan, I'll help you pin the wrap on someone else, maybe that dork in accounting who scratched the paint on your new Lexus when he opened his car door to quickly in the company parking lot.

I'm a team player. If we are on a business trip and you want me to pull a train on that prostitute you brought up to the hotel and are going to expense to the company, I will. I'm just that kind of guy. And if you need someone to tell your wife you really were working late in the office on Friday night? I'll do it. I'll lie for you. My eternal soul is a small price to pay for a full time job.

I need this job.

Is the company to cheap to hire you a personal assistant? Well, I'll get you coffee and bagels in the morning, and pick up your dry cleaning in the afternoon. I'm not really that good at taking dictation, but if you need me to, I'll learn. You drop your pen behind your desk and you need me to bend over and pick it up? My ass is there for you.

Just think of me as that lonely guy in school, that everyone knew who end up marrying the first woman who agrees to have sex with him. I will be as loyal to you as that guy is to his domineering wife. I will still love you know matter how much you abuse me. And if you dally with other employees, buying them lunch in the office cafeteria, or only CCing them on important emails (and those racist/sexist Spam jokes you like to forward around the office) I wont mind. I'm not the jealous type.

Please give me this job.

Regards,
Michael G

comments (31)

There's no stopping you now. If they don't hire you, I will.

by jadedju at May 1, 2002 4:19 PM


That was beautiful.

by Antwon at May 1, 2002 6:03 PM


I'd like to talk to you about a resignation letter I need written...

by Lizzie at May 2, 2002 1:07 AM


I don't think it come out the same with a resignation letter. Wait a week until after I actually find a job and then ask me again.

by mg at May 2, 2002 1:39 PM


Ahh, job hunt. Had an interview this week and all I learned is this: Despite its name, the company "Johnson Controls" does not manufacture condoms.

by Shar at May 2, 2002 7:01 PM


Well,
having been a "boss", I'd hire you in a minute..
Hungary and Despirate.
A Rare Quality.
Most of the time, its: "I don't need this job, what can you do to convince me to quit my job and work for you?"
Besides, you'd get my coffee....

by toxiclabrat at May 3, 2002 2:31 PM


I definetly understand where you are coming from as I have been separated from my husband for 2 years and never worked because I was not allowed to and now after 30 years (although I used to dance full time Professionally) it is a shock to be out here in the real world not knowing where to turn and what to do. I have created costumes and I am a fine seamstress but not out there in the real world. Whoever reads this please help me as I am also desperate!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I live in Jersey City and my phone number is: 201-876-9266

"GOOD LUCK"
Judith E. Malitas


by Judith E.Malitas at January 2, 2003 7:28 PM


I definetly understand where you are coming from as I have been separated from my husband for 2 years and never worked because I was not allowed to and now after 30 years (although I used to dance full time Professionally) it is a shock to be out here in the real world not knowing where to turn and what to do. I have created costumes and I am a fine seamstress but not out there in the real world. Whoever reads this please help me as I am also desperate!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I live in Jersey City and my phone number is: 201-876-9266

"GOOD LUCK"
Judith E. Malitas


by Judith E.Malitas at January 2, 2003 7:28 PM


I have been out of job since March of last year as a telecom casualty. I sell life insurance now after 12 years in the telecom and two engineering degrees.

by Daniel at January 6, 2003 11:53 AM


What a beautiful cover letter... I need a job too and have been going at it the wrong way.

by David Dahlgren at January 9, 2003 8:02 AM


Wow! I thought I was the only one feeling this way. You just helped me regain all of my confindence. I am about to rip all of the envelopes with resumes and cover letters I was about to mail today! Thank you!

by Amy at January 24, 2003 9:14 AM


you rock! right now im in a baaad situation with my job and am about ready to do i dont know what! thanks for making me laugh ( and hitting home) on what i consider ONE of the worst days of my life.

by leanne at February 13, 2003 2:40 PM


Great letter!! It helped with the frustration I'm feeling now since having been laid off for several months. I have several friends all in the same boat and I shared this with them for a good chuckle. Kansas City like so many other places is laying off more than they hire. I'm over qualified (or so I'm told...I guess they would prefer underqualified?!) for even my line of work, so I have 3 part-time jobs and it still doesn't cover everything. Best wishes to all who are in same boat....things have gotta change sometime........Janie

by BJ Ness at March 13, 2003 2:26 PM


WOW! I love it. I felt so alone. searching in a world of not enough training, to over trained. Good Luck! I needed the laugh.

by catcole at April 20, 2003 8:03 PM


I have to agree, that was just beautiful. At least I am not the only one wallowing in the misery that is unemployment.

by Tori at May 13, 2003 3:22 PM


I am in the same boat. I need a job and am ready to do just about anything to get one. Have you had any luck with this approach?

by Heather at June 3, 2003 5:02 PM


I would not give you the job. Not because your premise is not brilliant, but because you are an illiterate bunghole. You constantly used the word "to" when the correct word is "too".

It is not "when he opened his car door to quickly" moron. It is "when he opened his car door too quickly".

by Able to spell at July 1, 2003 9:37 PM


Oh geez. Who let the fucking grammatical nazi in? MG, you'd best drop that Masters program and go back to rudimentary English before this jackass hurts your feelings. Moron indeed.

by Ezy at July 2, 2003 7:49 AM


most high schools actually send out their academic notifications with more mistakes than mg had. and I hope 1) that you actually have the balls to send that in somewhere, and 2) that someone hires you

by nerdfriend at July 16, 2003 12:45 AM


I can totaly relate.
I didn't write this but try this for a change.

Dear Asshole:

Thank you for your letter of July 10th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me the position of INSERT JOB TITLE HERE. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will plan on commencing my position as a INSERT JOB TITLE HERE on July 10th. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

Day Man

by Day Man at July 17, 2003 1:43 PM


this is the funniest thing since "American Pie 2"! I laughed, I cried (having also related like so many others...), and now I wonder... how was it that I got to this web site??

best regards..
ps. have you landed a job yet?

by jtown at July 17, 2003 10:36 PM


Funny as hell. I've been searching the net for the past two hours trying to find a way to make my cover letter unique. I like the "Dear Asshole" part. I swear if I hear one more, "overqualified" bullshit statement I'm going to go insane. What do they want my resume to look like? "Jan 1990 -- Jan 2003, worked admin job, typed, opened letters, licked stamps" What the fuck! Right now these asshole employers are just looking to save a buck. You could have 5 PHDs from Harvard and they'd say..."thanks for your resume...blah blah blah...we'll keep in on file." I actually sent a follow-up email to one guy telling him not to keep my resume on file but rather just to throw it away if he didn't want to hire me. He said he would. Ha ha ha ha.

Good luck ot you, great website

by Jbutt at July 28, 2003 1:53 PM


Funny as hell. I've been searching the net for the past two hours trying to find a way to make my cover letter unique. I like the "Dear Asshole" part. I swear if I hear one more, "overqualified" bullshit statement I'm going to go insane. What do they want my resume to look like? "Jan 1990 -- Jan 2003, worked admin job, typed, opened letters, licked stamps" What the fuck! Right now these asshole employers are just looking to save a buck. You could have 5 PHDs from Harvard and they'd say..."thanks for your resume...blah blah blah...we'll keep in on file." I actually sent a follow-up email to one guy telling him not to keep my resume on file but rather just to throw it away if he didn't want to hire me. He said he would. Ha ha ha ha.

Good luck ot you, great website

by at July 28, 2003 1:53 PM


i worked at the same job for 32 years. i was a trainer in a machine shop. i got very good pay. 32 years. im 60. they let me go because they could pay 3 men what they are paying me. they called me in and told me they were cutting back and i had to go.
they said they could no longer afford me. they wanted to give me 3 months notice so i could traine more 20 year olds. i said i will stay but i wont traine. they gave me 3 hours notice and at the end of the day it was all over. they threw me away. i didnt count any more. 5 years until i retired. now i drive a little bus around town. i cant pay my bills. i cant pay for heat. im broke.

by darrell at August 2, 2003 9:17 PM


Sorry to hear that Darrell. It's a very screwed up society when you can throw away a loyal employee who has given that kind of time to a company. My Dad gave the railroad 42 years and barely retired before they cut a substantial amount of jobs that, guess what, were held by older gentlemen who had capped out paywise. I think there should be more stringent laws in place to punish companies for this type of behavior. Sorry again for your misfortune.

by Ezy at August 4, 2003 8:42 AM


I am so right there with you on "what i'll do for a 'pay-check'"....which is kinda frightening and liberating at the same time. I'm in the rehab field, and anyone who lives in my home state knows that there is no money in that field anymore I have been out of work since BEFORE 9/11, and up until about a week ago, did not realize that the entire country is in my boat. While i am not "lonely" in that situation anymore, am still scared....my significant other has been "carrying" me for the last 5 months or so, and now, he hasn't worked in almost 2 months. I find myself, sort of caught in the middle, in that i am either over-qualified or in most cases, under-qualified for most postions. I don't have a formal education, but have always managed to keep a pay-check coming, money in the bank, and been relatively comfortable, till 2000............Peace, T

by tracy at September 3, 2003 2:10 PM


I can totally relate. I have been out of work since December of 2000. I have gone on so many interviews, job fairs, sent resumes applications, you name it, Ive done it. Ive even left my resume on cars at the mall. I can't even get a job at Burger King or Target or doing temp admin work, guess what...I'm over qualified and they would hire me, they're sure I would leave for a better position...well duh! Ive been a cobol programmer and involved in technology for over 15 years and currently working on my network certifications, what would be the career advantage here, unless I missed something. I guess they figure single mothers don't need to feed there children and who cares if I left, after finding something better, I need something now so I don't go hungry of homeless.

...and by the way, feel free to send any Illinois job leads or if you can spare it, I take donations with pride, my paypal is at trrinc@yahoo.com

Take Care...
TR

by TR at September 22, 2003 11:37 AM


Anybody who wants a job this bad should go into business for himself. The customers are still your boss when you're in business for yourself; you never lose the boss. But if you are as dedicated to serving the needs of customers as you are to making a boss happy, you'll find yourself with both money and self-respect. I highly recommend Michael Gerber's "The E-Myth Revisited." It should be in your local public library. I'm self-employed in Tokyo, which is probably one of the most expensive places in the world to raise a family, but somehow by the grace of God I'm managing to keep a wife ans seven kids in beans and jeans. (Sometimes just barely.) If I had not been self-employed I am sure I would have been restructured and downsized several times by now.

by Christopher Witmer at November 17, 2003 6:30 PM


the word is "too". TOOOOOOO.

I wouldn't hire you, just because of that.

by grammar nazi at November 17, 2003 9:50 PM


You got some balls.
I'm a recent "took a year off of college" student. Three years with a 3.2 GPA in business management, and all of the sudden one day I woke up and had a change of heart. Mostly, because of the "rejection" letters pouring in from all of the elite companies that were too good to hire me. So now I'm working at the Hampton Inn in Greensboro NC waiting for a sign. A sign from God I suppose. It's tough to find a good job with only 3 years of college experience, all employers are looking for is that degree...
Your cover letter is an inspiration to everyone who has read it, and all the others out there that feel the same way, that have yet to read it.
My only wish is to find a secure job for my future. I'm not a greedy person, nor do I like all of the "trendy" items in life, I would just like to be appericated at my job, and "UP" my self-worth.
Ya Know?
~Natalie Lowe~

by Natalie Lowe at April 11, 2004 10:17 PM


If I were a boss I would hire you. Grammer and spelling be damned! You have spunk and drive and a sence of humor. I'd send you back to English Comp.

by lucky star at April 26, 2004 4:07 PM



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