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horrorscopes: astrology for the criminally insane

by mg at 12:29 PM on April 04, 2002

Though it is in my nature to do that sort of thing, Iím not going to write a long winded introduction to this new (monthly?) feature. See, I joked about becoming a new man, and with this new short-windedness, Iím at least .07% there.

At any rate, I repeat again, Horrorscopes: Astrology for the criminally Insane. Now get to it.

Aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Wouldnít you know it, the industrial freezer you use to store your victims bodies breaks down just a few weeks after the warranty expires. The salesman told you to spring for the extended warranty but did you listen?

Taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Drowning your five children seemed like the perfect way to solve all of lifeís problems. But donít worry, youíll have plenty of time to figure out what went wrong with your plan while getting raped by your butch lesbian cellmate every night for the rest of your life.

Gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Getting your instructions from your neighbors barking German shepherd is one thing. Getting your instructions from your sister's hamster is quite another.

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Liver with fava beans and a nice chianti is so passť. The stars suggest you serve spleen with some wild rice and a nice chardonnay.

Leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
After sending your local newspaper 57 letters to editor, you begin to get the distinct impression they are ignoring you. But, if you kidnap the editor in chief's daughter and cut up some old magazines, the stars are sure you'll get his attention.

Virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Sure, you may be a little strapped for cash this week, but don't let that stop you. Remember, if you strangle the prostitute after you pick her up, you don't actually have to pay her.

Libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The voices in your head are real, but Batman isn't. Stop making Batman's appearance one of your demands, because the police just think your crazy.

Scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
As much as you might hate it, the press will continue to call you the Grossly Overweight and Slightly Balding Strangler. Perhaps you should take that as a sign you should hit the gym instead of young boys in the face with bricks.

Sagitarious (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Finally sick of people confusing you with cast members from Married with Children, you will seduce and kill 28 more sorority sisters to restore the good olí Bundy name.

Carpricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The children of Camp Crystal Lake fail to be frightened when the California Magic and Novelty Company screws up your order and sends you a Richard Nixon mask instead of that one from Scream.

Aquarious (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When you are chosen as an extra in the movie adaptation to the sequel of your life, you begin to question whether hiring the public defender that got you 19 consecutive life sentences was the right choice for a talent agent. That you are getting paid in cigarettes doesnít bode well either.

Pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
When the police arrive at your apartment they wont, for some strange reason, believe it when you tell them ďNothing is behind that doorĒ while laughing manically.

comments (5)

Sometimes these are so dead-on, and sometimes they're just not. Batman? I want to meet Han Solo, dammit!

by space at April 4, 2002 2:26 PM

Strange footnote: The ones that relate to real killers (Andrea Yates, David Berkowitz, Ted Bundy), are connected to the actual zodiac sign for those peope. That was not intentional. It just, strangely, worked out that way. Maybe I have some real gift for this?

by mg at April 4, 2002 4:32 PM

I'll get a butch cellie? Is this the only way I can get a girlfriend? I knew I had become a bit, oh let's just call it what it is, desperate, but dang!

The part about killing my five children doesn't bother me, I mean, who wanted to wipe up that much spit anyway?

by jadedju at April 4, 2002 6:47 PM

who knew i'd ever be picking up female prostitutes?

by miss b at April 4, 2002 9:04 PM


First my daily horoscope says that "all relationships will end in dissertion, divorce or death" and now you tell me BATMAN ISN'T REAL????? What are you trying to do to me?

by Lucy at April 5, 2002 3:21 AM

comments are closed