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i never thought i'd see you naked: oscars edition

by mg at 07:27 PM on March 25, 2002

I haven’t done an addition of I Never Thought I’d See You Naked in so long that I’ve almost forgotten what Bea Arthur’s naked flesh of looks like. Oh wait, now I remember, it looks like an elephant’s ear.

Still, in honor of women everywhere, and especially those under appreciated women of Hollywood, I present a very special Oscars edition of I Never Thought I’d See You Naked.

Apparently, Academy Award winner Halle Berry is black. I’d never noticed before. I was much too busy staring at her amazing rack. Two words: hubba hubba. Berry won for her role in Monster's Ball, a movie I will never see since it also starts Billy Bob Thornton. I find it very difficult to believe Berry’s performance was Oscar worthy considering that during the last movie I saw her in, X-Men, I had more trouble believing she could change her facial expression than the weather.

Whether she deserved it or not (and who am I to say?) Berry is the only African-American woman to win the Oscar for Best Actress in the academy’s 74-year history. Her speech, which clocked in at almost 5 minutes, was so long that she is now officially the only African-American woman to have won Best Actress in the academy’s 75-year history.

When Berry took the stage to accept her award she began crying. Maybe crying is appropriate when you, say, get into car accident, but her weeping bordered on hysteria and made me feel more than a little nervous. One look at her succulent breasts quelled my uneasy heart. It did the reverse for something an organ a little lower.

Nicole Kidman’s performance in Moulin Rouge is one of the only two I actually saw. I thought she was brilliant. Not only is Kidman a fantastic actress, but she is a nine-foot tall, redhead from Australia. She did a wonderful job, exposing herself in a way most actress wouldn’t. No, I don’t mean she got naked, you perverts. Kidman’s performance was goofy and comedic in a way you’ll never see another “serious” actress even attempt. She also happens to have a wonderful singing voice. That gal has got a great set of lungs. Really.

The truth is, Kidman should have won the Oscar. But, shoosh, come closer and I’ll let you in on a little Hollywood secret: Kidman had no chance of winning this year. Why? Because of her race. You see, the Academy just isn’t ready to let an Australian woman win the award. Maybe, years from now, our kids and those spawn of convicts and paupers will all get together to share some shrimp on the barbie. Sadly, American just isn’t ready for that. Until that day Kidman will have accept that while she may never have Oscar, at least she isn’t saddled with the ‘mo Tom Cruise.

Sure Dame Judi Dench has got a century on me, at least, but I’ve always found her quite attractive. There ain’t nothing wrong with that. Right?

Before I’d ever seen her cinematic abilities, I became familiar with Dench because of her role on the early 90s BBC series As Time Goes By. Now, she was a decade younger then, but, so was I. That must have been about the same time I first saw Harold and Maude. Even now, there is still something about her eyes that really gets me. She certainly has a nice pair. Of eyes.

I’d read both the Bridget Jones diaries well before I saw the movie. So, walking into the theatre I could never have imagined Renee Zellweger pulling it off. But she did. Unfortunately, she hasn’t ever pulled off her clothes for the camera, but hopefully that is close enough.

As for her performance, well, I certainly wouldn’t say it was Oscar worthy, but her karaoke to "All By Myself" during the opening credits is probably among the greatest moments of pathos in cinematic history. Watching Zellweger belt out Eric Carmen’s one and only hit, you just can’t help but get drawn into Bridget Jones’ world. And unless you had a camera in my apartment, you will likely see nothing more pathetic, yet funny, in all your life.

I haven't seen Sissy Spacek performance in In The Bedroom. But from what I've seen, I can think of two things wrong with that title. I’m sure it is a very fine film, but it seems as if there is quite a bit of talking and not so much in and out in the bedroom. I'm sure I'll rent it when it hits DVD, or maybe I’ll just rent Carrie again, 'cause, remember, crazy chicks are hot. 'sides what could possibly be sexier than a girl covered in pig's blood?

I've actually got pics of all the Best Supporting Actress nominees too, but does anyone really want to see Maggie Smith naked? If so, you should leave a comment and if there are enough, I’ll post them tomorrow.

comments (18)

my rack looks like halle's. only smaller.

by miss b at March 25, 2002 10:12 PM

Smaller boobs only make you more succulent in my book. Besides, you aren't a big cry-baby like Halle. And, I bet if you hit me with your car, you'd stop to help me. Which is really why I love you. That and the boobs.

by mg at March 25, 2002 10:19 PM

Halle deserved the award if you think the award should go to the best scenery chewer.

by jadedju at March 26, 2002 1:00 AM

Hey- nothing wrong with smallish boobs. I've always believed that more than a mouthful is wasted. Anyone care to prove me wrong??

by northstar at March 26, 2002 9:25 AM

Did you borrow those from fark's link? Or is there some secret star porno stash i should know about?

by tj at March 26, 2002 12:29 PM

they look like dvd screen captures to me. swordfish?

by kd at March 26, 2002 4:17 PM

The pics came from multiple sources. What, you think there is some magical location where all the Hollywood hotties frollic naked? No, my friend, I had to look long and hard for this pics, pity me.

by mg at March 26, 2002 4:24 PM

Um, first off it's America, not American that will allow Miss Nicole the Oscar, and secondly, my silly silly non-researching type, she was born in Hawaii. And last time I checked, Hawaii was still a state that belonged to the United States, therefore, she is an American. She may have been raised in Australia and call that home, but the fact remains that she was still born on American soil... stolen soil, but 100% American nonetheless.

by Lilly at March 26, 2002 8:50 PM

Mchael THANK YOU for that pic of nicole kidman.
mad propps for that!!!

by meeka at September 25, 2002 2:18 AM

And lillys just jealous that she doesnt have a hott ass bod like nikki. PEACE!

by meeka at September 25, 2002 2:20 AM

YOur a cunt im australin spent my whole life in australia, but i was born in singapore. Mum happened to go into labout on thje way back from a holliday overseas. i dont ahve a singaporean citizenship or any ties to singapore but legally im australian.

So who gives a rat ass abiout where she was born, she looks asutralian, sounds australian, lives in australia, is called australian and is legally australian (not hawaiin)

by Schloot at February 23, 2003 5:45 AM

I have to disagree with ya'll... bigger boobs all the way!

by crowchick at March 1, 2003 9:28 PM

And what (oh, am I going to hate myself for asking this) does an Aussie look like exactly? I have loads of Aussie friends and they all look like regular people you would find in any corner of the world. Their only giveaway is when they speak. DUH!

As for being jealous, where do you get that? I happen to love Nicole. I was her biggest fan long before Tom dumped her and she did Moulin Rouge. I have to assume you're the jealous one, not me. Whatever.

by Lilly White at March 22, 2003 3:33 PM

Is it just me or does anyone else think Tom Cruise bailed on Nichole Kidman after he saw her nuds along with all of those really hot women in "Eyes Wide Shut"

by mike at November 18, 2004 9:06 PM

Kidman is a crap actress - unconvincing method acting - uninteresting character acting. All the hype for her is bullshit. She gets naked a couple of times and all of a sudden she's everyone's favorite.

by pyst at February 20, 2005 2:29 PM

Nocole Kidman may have been born in Hawaii, so what? Her parents are Australian and she moved to Australia at an age too early for her US citizenship to remain intact. She is Australian.

by Peter at October 10, 2005 6:15 AM

I have been maggie smiths friend for over 40 years, and Ive seen everything there is to see, and let me to tell you here and now the women has a FANTASTIC cunt! And frankly,I,and needless to say many MANY more people want the same,oblige us you vile temptress.

love and sex,
Dame Judi Dench

by Judi Dench at May 22, 2006 5:56 PM

I would like to see Maggie Smith's naked picture

by Alice at August 21, 2006 8:35 AM

comments are closed