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they stare at kiddie pr0n with google-y eyes

by antwon at 04:13 AM on November 19, 2001

Hey, has it been sufficiently long since my introduction as a Bad Samaritan contributor to qualify as "fashionably late"? I never really got a firm grasp on those sorts of socially-based nuances or anything, much less when I was dealing with online analogues of them. Eh, what the hell, I'll just start typing. 'Sides, it'll give me a chance to get away from the throngs of child pornographers who've been visiting my site as of late.

Oh, it's not as if I intended for there to be massive quantities of kiddie pr0n fiends beating down my digital doorstep. This is not the electronic existence I envisioned for myself once I started this whole "personal website" song-and-dance. I mean, it's not really the sort of thing you can tell people about in casual conversation; it'd sound decidedly strange if, say, my mom started clucking to her coworkers about it. ("That's my boy's site - he's the top Internet resource of lolita sex and underage felching, don't you know?!?") Hell, I don't even know if my mom knows what felching is, and I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to explain it to her.

Me, I blame Google.

Sure, Google's usually a great tool and every weblogger's friend. What webmaster hasn't been in the doldrums of apathy at one point or another, struggling to come up with even the most mildly interesting of posts for his teeming readers, turning to off-kilter Google searches for some quick-and-dirty inspiration? ("Wow, '+platinum +Pikachu +boobies +feldspar' - how wacky is that, huh? Oh, and look at this one: 'prandial Hottentot get his rocks off' - mere words can't express the zaniness inherent in that bad boy!")

Admittedly, Google searches are marginal content at best - but hey, content's content, right? Besides, the searches have at least some standalone entertainment value. I went so far as to write a log-parsing routine, automagically trumpeting the previous day's search engine silliness for public consumption. This would prove to be a great labor-saving utility. This would also prove, in time, to be the bane of my existence.

Y'see, at some point, Google merrily stumbled upon my page of searches. Not knowing any better, it dutifully entered the contents of that page into its database; much to my chagrin, the contents of that page contained the phrase "underage porn". Just like that, I got all sorts of Google-spawned hits from enterprising seekers of kiddie porn... which caused the phrase to show up on the search page even more... which caused my search page's Google ranking to climb even higher. Positive reinforcement at its finest, to the tune of hundreds of crazed Internet-goers every day.

By itself, the raw influx of underage porn seekers I could handle. I mean, it's not as if they're having a pronounced effect on my day-to-day life or anything. Ah, but there's more to the story than just that: according to the cookie-based visitor tracker, I've seen a palpable uptick in the number of repeat visitors over the last week or two. Not so many that their mere presence is turning the server into a weeping molten silicon slag or anything... but enough for me to notice. Enough to disturb me, anyway.

Now, there's nothing saying that these new recurring visitors definitely the same people as the kiddie porn fiends. Maybe the recent uptick is a completely disassociated anomaly. Maybe I've simply received a quirky combination of random plugs from random places as of late. Maybe a lot of things. But still... well, it makes the mind wonder.

I can just see it now: years down the road, holding a mythical TwonCon, meeting up with some large number of regular readers. We're sharing drinks, talking about good times. The subject of how they all stumbled upon my little online abode comes up in casual conversation; sheepishly, one of them volunteers that it was through a search for child pornography. "Hey, me too!" voices another, and another and another, until I'm surrounded by a sea of folks engaged in animated discussions about 'Lolita sex' this and 'underaged BBS' that, leaving me to quietly whimper in disbelief, pining for the delicious tang of a cyanide capsule to bring an early end to the evening's festivities.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this situation. I suppose the only thing I can do is wait it out, hoping that some other site containing massive quantities of references to underage porn wrests my Google title from me. Massive quantities of references... er, rather like those contained in this very article, come to think of it. Hmm - funny how things ever-so-conveniently turned out that way....

comments (26)

well, it feels pretty funny to be number one on google for monkey sex. especially considering i MEANT to do that.

by kd at November 19, 2001 4:24 AM

If I based my self-worth on the type of search requests this site got, I'd be a very unhappy person.

by mg at November 19, 2001 11:25 AM

Except for the World's Largest Penis querries, which make me very, very happy.

by mg at November 19, 2001 11:27 AM

How do you know about this stuff? Is this information kept in server logs with your host? Since I don't have that kind of thing with my free web space, is there a site stats service that keeps track of this kind of thing? Right now I am using Stats for All to keep track of my hits.

by MrBlank at November 19, 2001 12:09 PM

I use server logs myself, but online services exist that let you keep tabs on your referrers. Extreme Tracking seems to be a pretty popular choice for that sort of thing.

by Antwon at November 19, 2001 3:19 PM

I use Webtrends Live. They recently scaled back their free services, but it is still stripes above any other free counter service.

by mg at November 19, 2001 3:27 PM

I've tried several and found Sitemeter to be the best and most reliable. Nifty charts, too, and charts are always cool.

by C. Dodd Harris IV at November 19, 2001 5:09 PM

I like Sitemeter, but it will only track your last 100 visitors for free...after that, ya gotta pay, but I think it's probably worth it if you like to pour over your stats.

I get tons of "naked little girl" hits, or "naked 11 year old girls"...if I bitch about it, Google picks up the complaint, and I'm back on the kiddie porn lists again. It's a vicious circle, I think.

by skits at November 19, 2001 6:23 PM

umm... what's felching?

by kd at November 19, 2001 9:07 PM

Oh Good! No one has answered kd yet. Well felching is basically when, after engaging in an act of anal intercourse, you lick your cum out of the other guy's ass - the old retrievin' of the semen so to speak.

I don't know if it's called "felching"when you do the same to a girl? Denise and I usually just call that "fun."

by Charles at November 19, 2001 9:42 PM

Was that a line I just heard being crossed?

by mg at November 19, 2001 10:01 PM

Nope. It was smashed to smithereenes.

by MrBlank at November 19, 2001 10:46 PM

Line?! There was a line?!

by wendy at November 19, 2001 11:56 PM

I know. I never thought I'd draw a line here at Bad Samaritan. But Charles regaling us with stories of his and Denise's eating habits is definitely worthy of creating a line. From now on, no one mention the words lick, cum, and anal in the same sentence - no, make that paragraph.

by mg at November 20, 2001 12:30 AM

Ok, first there was the EAGERNESS with which Charles answered the question (that Charles, he's just full of surprises).

But secondly, mg? You did just cross your own line you know (but think of the search requests, eh?)

by kd at November 20, 2001 1:40 AM

Sorry to raise the tone, however we find ourselves in a similar situation at http://nu-produkt.net due to my unfortunate choice of online 'handle', (I do apologise for adding it to this page's already impressive string of paedophile bait), and our propensity to use 'colourful' language.

Indeed, I had just finished posting about my plans to develop a PHP filter to make sure that kiddie porn searchers got an alternative page, when I found myself here via weblogs.com. How odd to find you lot discussing the same thing.

My developments will continue snail like on account of my ineptitude in the coding department. So far I have succeeded only in isolating the search request from the refering URL in a ponderous and no doubt, to the ace programmer, hilarious fashion.

The long and short being, do you like the idea? I thought along the lines of a page with a warning telling them their IP has been logged and warning them that it is illegal to be in possession of this kind of filth. Might scare the shit out of them for a couple of days at the least.

by littleboy at November 20, 2001 5:31 PM

Oh - I was was exaggerating there about my future wife don't actually go there that way...but once the bonds of holy matrimony are shackled, it's anything goes, right? Oh I only knew that from a book...yeah...no, I read it on Ernie's page...yeah

by Charles at November 20, 2001 11:47 PM

Ahah! Google ruined me once... A new room mate twiddled with all the XP boxes on my LAN, enabling (gack!) IIS and sharing ungodly amounts of media as raw files... In the few days that lazily left it that way, google came, accepted the lack of robots.txt invitation, and cataloged enough stuff to keep the RIAA and MPAA busy with paperwork for a decade... I haven't checked recently, but somehow, that shit stayed on google for months. I finally abandoned that block of IPs for windoze machines, and had megs of apache logs to amuse me after that. I ended up making a 404 redir to some nasty felching stuff I found on... GOOGLE!



by orb at September 12, 2003 12:46 AM

Haha! This is great stuff. Thanks for the laughs, guys.

by FISH at January 20, 2004 4:42 PM

send me some underage porn toxicwaste13@hotmail.com

by Randy at August 9, 2005 4:56 AM

brilliant site! happy to be here. my parents didnt told me about it: http://www.888.com , substances that cure you

by Alexander Baumann at October 15, 2005 8:22 PM

i'm 15 and have pictures just for you so email me!

by Jen at January 3, 2006 2:33 AM

Send me some underage porn thenewmyself@hotmail.com

by James at January 4, 2006 2:03 PM

Did you know that WRITTEN stories depitcting child pornography is legal in the US? Pictures are still not legal. (Someone who is 17 can't take nekkid pics of themself.) That's stupid if you ask me.

by Me at April 8, 2006 4:07 AM

hi i was just wondering i have just tuned 14 and my penis is 5.2 inches is that good bad ok?

by ccccc at April 21, 2006 6:34 PM

Where's Lux?

Oh, and yeah, I got here while searching for UP...

by mark at May 13, 2006 11:02 AM

comments are closed