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Good gravy, Ted Turner, you da man!

by effenheimer at 11:26 AM on November 19, 2001

This entry can be sung in its entirety to the tune of “Pretty Boy Floyd” by Woody Guthrie.

Won’t you gather ’round me children, here’s a story I will tell. About a day of eating... all the turkey you can hold... down.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's not so commercial as Christmas, Halloween, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, or even Arbor Day, which we all know is just an excuse for the Man to sell more trees! Am I right people? SCREW YOU, EARL MAY, YOU SUCKA-ASS BITCH!

The word “holiday” literally means “holy day” and time was all holidays had a religious element and were not just about taking the day off and buying hundreds of dollars worth of shit nobody really needs. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I like my holy days to be pure, spiritual and, whenever possible, covered in gravy.

Nothing beats the purity, spirituality and gravy of Thanksgiving, of getting together with the family to do nothing more complicated than to have a meal that’s every element drips with tradition, meaning and, of coruse, turkey-fat gravy.

For the last three years, I have spent Thanksgiving either volunteering at churches I didn’t belong to or sitting alone in a graduate dorm eating rotisserie chicken watching Clint Eastwood shoot people on TBS and giving thanks for the bounty of Wild Turkey and Pepsi in my 64-ounce Kwik Shop insulated mug.

That isn’t half bad either. I mean, if you can't have the warm family shit, you might as well watch TV, it is an American Tradition.

Nothing beats hour after hour of watching Clint Eastwood pretend to kill people on Turkey Day unless it is spending Jesus's birthday watching the “Christmas Story” marathon on TNT.

Ted Turner, you magnificent bastard, how did we make it through the holidays without you? Excuse me, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but I tend to get a little emotional around the holidays.

So this Thursday, live it up, give thanks and remember that “Kelly’s Heroes,” “Two Mules for Sister Sara” and “Any Which Way You Can” will all be airing on Thanksgiving and if that's not good enough, catch 24 hours of Eastwood Friday on TBS! Happy Thanksgiving!

comments (5)

mmm... two of my favorite things, thanksgiving and eastwood. i never thought of them as going together but now i see that they do, like christmas and natalie wood, or easter and jeff what's his name who played jesus and his career never recovered and then he died. oh yeah, natalie wood died too, didn't she, and eastwood's still alive, so maybe they're not so alike but what the hell. any excuse to watch eastwood. thanks, mr. eff!

by yoga lady at November 19, 2001 3:59 PM

I am planning on celebrating Thanksgiving by combining the warm family shit with a little Eastwood action of my own. So far, we have two cooks and their nosey husbands in one kitchen, each with their own plan of attack for the day. that sounds like it has gun-fight potential, doesn' it?

by BtC at November 20, 2001 12:11 PM

Especially if you live in the South, Bob. LOL

by skits at November 20, 2001 1:21 PM

I'm all for Thanksgiving tradition, but whatever happened to watching football and drinking so much that you pass out before dinner even starts (at 3 in the afternoon)?

by mg at November 20, 2001 6:32 PM

Effe - As fun as you can be sometimes, one might think you'd have better ideas of what to do with your wattle on turkey day! LOL! ;o)

by Lacy at January 7, 2005 2:55 AM

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