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How To: Drink

by lizard at 01:07 AM on October 28, 2001

First of all, don't drink, it's bad for your liver, and many other things. But if you decide you want to anyway, for whatever reason - the fun, the glamour, the sex, or anything else you see in a beer commercial which must be real, then here are some helpful tips to get you through the drinking day.

First of all, you need to drink frequently. Go too long between binges and your tolerance will be minimal, and you won't be able to keep up with your drinking buddies. Heaven forbid! Remember, practice makes perfect. I wouldn't recommend drinking every single day, unless you want to, but every other day is good (for me at least). Gives you time to recover so you don't have that chronic-hungover thing going on. However, there is the ‘hair of the dog’ philosophy - in which it is believed that hangovers can be cured by more booze. I don't see it, but hey, go ahead and give it a shot.

Well what do I do about these hangovers, you ask. Ahh, hangovers. Deal with them, you deserve them you lousy boozehound! No, haha, just kidding. Really, there are ways around the traditional hangover. First of all, eat salty things while you drink - pickled eggs are great, why do you think they have a big-ass jar of them in every dive-bar that is frequented by serious alcoholics? Think about it - salt. Alcohol dehydrates you, salt rehydrates you. Margaritas are a good idea, too, with all that salt on the rim. Never, never use a straw with a margarita. Defeats the purpose. That morning achey feeling can be avoided by taking several aspirins or advils before you go to bed, or with that quart of water you wake up, parched, and drink in the middle of the night. Don't take Tylenol! By itself, it can do serious liver damage. It doesn't go with booze.

So you ask, Booze Lady, should I mix my booze? By all means, yes! Mix that shit like there's no tommorow, because there might not be one! Moderation is for wussies, Long Island Iced Teas for everybody! Who knows when to say when? Not me!

Now, you may have heard that drinking alone is a sure sign of alcoholism. This may or may not be true, but personaly, I find that drinking on the internet is an ideal solution. You can surf around, make foolish, error-filled and idiotic comments on friends' websites. You can make bizarre and sappy posts on your own weblog if you have one, and by all means send emails! Lots of 'em! Then, you can have the adventure of going through your Sent Items the next morning to find out exactly how foolish you've been. Heck, it's all between friends, and if they aren't still friends after that, they never were.

Don't drink and drive. Drink and post! It's what I'm doing right now!

comments (11)

You could start a meme. For a week, only post when you are drinking, or only be jokin' while you are tokin'...

by Charles at October 28, 2001 2:08 AM

I'm all about drunken internetting. Posting, and most especially emailing. Posting, you can delete the next day. You can't take back a drunken email, and believe me, I know...

by kd at October 28, 2001 2:32 AM

Booze Lady! I think I see gang potential in that name. Before this post, there was the Soup Lady and the Soap Lady, now we are three. The Ladies of the Net. Unless you have just discovered your cheese name, Boozecheese ... ?

by The Soup Lady at October 28, 2001 8:06 AM

Does this mean I have to start a booze blog? No, I am a bad enough influence already. Soap and soup are such nice things, I would have to be the bad girl of the bunch - wait. I like the sound of that. Hmmm...

by kd at October 28, 2001 11:16 AM

you really are a bad girl, kd. i think you need a spanking.

by bornfamous at October 28, 2001 12:01 PM

When you're sending your drunken emails, be sure to write the boy/girl you're interested in. Profess your undying love (or need for their cock/poona) effusely. Be sure to do this multiple times in a week (preferably on weeknights.)

by snaggle at October 28, 2001 1:35 PM

Hmmmmm...Methinks I smell another cheese. Swing/space/booze/swiss? Coincidene? Fate? Are they all one and the same person?

Matka Boja! Heaven help us all.


by othercheek at October 28, 2001 9:57 PM

Hmm...KD the Booze lady...do Ladies booze? Oh never mind, it is 2001 you can now be a lady boozer and sleep around and STILL be a lady! So I think we should just start a meme with the cliche` such as:


(or should we call that name for the Friday/Sat night chat room nick name?) :-)

by Pristine at October 29, 2001 7:11 PM

Ahh, drunken USENET posts...

Now THEYRE the fodder of a sober persons nightmares...

The trick is, to stay drunk. As drunk as possible whilst keeping the ability to hit in the general direction of the keyboard. Then you never regret what you said, because you dont even remember saying it and if someone says you did say it, well it doesnt matter because you're still drunk and you can evade responsibility of those posts by pure belligerance. It works, trust me!

In fact, people didnt know I drank, untill I made the mistake of being sober, one time... Boy it scared me.


usually I type so bad when im plistered, no one can understnad whta I siad anyywa...

by magpie at February 18, 2002 8:37 AM

I don't think you can get people to quit drinking completly although it is bad for you. The best thing you can do is try and keep them safe while they are.

I started a company that sells weaponms to help fight the war on drunk driving and so far we have had a very positive response.


by breathalyzer key chain at November 17, 2003 10:23 AM

hey, martinis tast strong at first, but if you keep drinking, then they are good. this one is 1oz vodka, 1/2oz vermouth and 1/4oz cointreau, cherry and slice. yum yum!

by Pizpot at October 18, 2004 11:34 PM

comments are closed