« just call me snaggle manson | Main | Androgyny ? »


How To: Determine If You Have Anthrax

by lizard at 01:32 AM on October 21, 2001

If there's anything the events of the last few weeks have taught us, it is that anthrax spores are everywhere. If, at any time, you have been breathing or touching things, there is a chance you have anthrax. Remember, the first rule of self-diagnosis is: if you think you have it, you probably do. Sure, there are those authorities telling us that the chances of infection are extremely small, but do not allow yourself to be lulled into a false sense of security with these lies - as we know, authorities are usually working in hand-in-hand with ‘them’. In all this furor over terrorism, we must not lose sight of the possibility of a conspiracy. Trust no one.

You might want to have some symptoms to back up your suspicions, but that's not difficult - it's just a matter of being vigilant. The most deadly form of the disease is inhalation anthrax. The infection initially causes flu-like symptoms, which is a very broad category indeed. Do you feel sniffly? Body aches? Trouble breathing or swallowing, nose pain, twitchiness, a vague feeling of unease? Does your hair hurt (remember, that includes eyelashes)? How are your eyelashes feeling? Aha! I thought so. You may have anthrax.

The most commonly reported type of anthrax is the cutaneous type. The first signs would be lesions, sores, bumps, any sort of skin irregularity (use your imagination here - hey, that's not a zit!). It may spread to the lymph nodes, so if your glands are feeling kinda funny, well, you probably have anthrax.

There hasn't been much publicity about intestinal anthrax, but ‘they’ probably don't want us to know about it. If you feel bloated or gassy, or have experienced nausea or any change in your bowel movements, there is good reason to suspect you've contracted anthrax. How, you might ask, will you know if your bowel movements change? My advice is to inspect them very carefully, and take notes - keep a little poop diary in your bathroom so you won't forget.

If you experience any of these symptoms (or some that I haven't mentioned, be creative here), rush to your doctor right away and demand that he prescribe Cipro. It's in short supply, so it's important to make sure you get yours. Remember, conspiracies abound, and it's always prudent to panic first and ask questions later (if at all). WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Well, someday.

comments (10)

When talking about "them", are you refering to the P.T.B.s?

by MrBlank at October 21, 2001 3:54 AM

No, the P.T.B are too busy guiding Angel in his search for redemption to be concerned with hiding the full Anthrax scare from us.

by Mike at October 21, 2001 5:39 AM

As a recovering hitwhore, I am truly appreciative of the hitwhoring potential of this post. Brilliant. Absolute gold, kd.

by Zuchris at October 21, 2001 9:17 AM

Does the anthrax deal count if your starting to feel better? Oh wait, my HAIR does hurt....ouch....and my eye lashes...omg they are falling out! Just kidding of course, loved it KD! :-)

by Pristine at October 21, 2001 11:34 AM

Now, Zuchris, I was just attempting to educate the public about this deadly epidemic, or plague if you will (forgot to include those, dammit). You can't educate the public if you don't make yourself available to them via the search engines. If that makes me a hit whore, well, ok...

by kd at October 21, 2001 11:46 AM

Yeah, kd. Uh huh. :)

by Zuchris at October 21, 2001 12:57 PM

[cough cough] I think I just got anthrax from reading that.

Or maybe my cough comes from my smoking. We'll know if I die.

by ethereal at October 22, 2001 9:39 AM

OMG - a poop diary! why didn't i think of that? i'm going to start my poop diary right away, just as soon as i get home from my hitwhore anonymous meeting.

by bornfamous at October 22, 2001 1:56 PM

To get a couple of days of work simply send some flour of talcum powder in a package and leave it at work.

And Bob's your uncle

by Michael at November 2, 2001 6:45 AM

CAn i wash my winky in your kitchen sinky LALALALALALLALALALA SMACK IT!

by John A. B. at January 26, 2002 11:39 PM

comments are closed