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What else is there to do?

by space at 09:30 PM on September 06, 2001

What's this I'm feeling?

Ah yes, the cheap beer hangover. I remember this, though it's been a while. Those of you who don't drink much might not realize that not all hangovers are created equal. You get different effects from what you drink. In fact, when I can't remember what I've had to drink, sometimes I can figure it out by the way I feel the next day.

"Ah, sun. Painful. Let's see. My stomach's swimming, but doesn't hurt. That's probably whiskey. I'm going to have to pee for a year, so I probably drank a lot of beer. My brain feels like it's rattling around in my head. That must be some combination of clear liquors, one of which was probably tequila. I probably did that after the beer, judging by the exceptionally hollow quality of the rattle." These are the morning thoughts of an experienced hangover connoisseur.

I've been pretty good about sticking to quality liquors, especially Jack Daniels, and moderately decent beer. Those hangovers are mostly bearable. The beer gives just my head a sort of throbbing sickness. The Jack turns my stomach a bit, and the world kind of seems breakable. Gin twists all my insides up like licorice. Cheap gin has given me some lovely all night vomit sessions. I'm told the champagne hangover is the worst of all, with the possible exception of aftershave, for you diehards out there, but so far I've avoided that.

Cheap beer hangovers make my limbs feel heavy. I'm clumsy, and my head pounds murkily, like engines underwater. My skin feels peelable. I'm usually hungry for bacon, until I eat said bacon. After, I have to go sit somewhere quiet, with my eyes closed. Cheap beer hangovers are visible on my gut the next day. I'm not a thick guy, so an extra quarter inch of beer fat around the middle shows. Cheap beer sleep causes cheap beer nightmares. Probably the worst symptom of a cheap beer hangover is having Lynyrd Skynyrd songs stuck in my head and the sudden strange desire to work on car engines.

Though I really never want to stand around in a yard and drink from a red plastic cup again, cheap beer does hold some fond memories. Fond memories of, um, standing around in a yard, drinking from red plastic cups. But it's all about the company right? It's who you're with that counts. I miss some of those people. Like the guy with the hat and glasses. And the guy who always wore shorts. And that one girl, the hot one, the one always holding a red plastic cup.

You know those flyers they hand out to college freshmen, the ones that ask, "When you graduate, will you have friends or just drinking buddies?" They don't tell you that those are not exclusive concepts. Me and that guy with the hat were this close, man.

I'll say this for standing around in a yard, though: fresh air. Mornings like this one, you think you're stepping into the shower stall alone, but when you close the door you discover that the B.O. of everybody in that dive has followed you home and has been waiting for you to get naked to say "hi!"

So why the cheap beer hangover, you ask? Everybody's broke and we wanted to show a friend of ours a good time. He's leaving the country, and nothing says "Have a good time in Turkmenistan!" like pitcher after pitcher of cheap beer, right?

Well, maybe this way he won't come back, and we can avoid any such future nonsense.

comments (6)

‘Natural Ice’. Five bucks a twelve-pack, twice the alcohol of ordinary cheap beer, and head-pounding nausea the next day, so bad you're lucky to be able to swallow the four advils it takes to even lift your head off the pillow. It hurts just remembering.

Damn, I could use a beer right about now.

by kd at September 6, 2001 10:13 PM

This totally reminded me of this one frat party a bunch of us were at in college. See you always have one of those couple's who always do the most outlandish and the most funny things. This certain couple, and we all had them, came to this frat party with matching drinking cups. While we all had those plastic red ones, they came with a his and hers cup. His was a totally formed naked woman. He drank out of her breasts. Hers came as a totally nude male. She drank out of his....ok anyway... I thought they were hilarious!

by Pristine at September 6, 2001 10:28 PM

One of my former roomates got this awful cup on a spring break trip: "The nipple sipper." It was just a breast that you drank out of. He didn't take it with him when he moved out. As far as I know it's still there.

by space at September 6, 2001 10:31 PM

The summer before my last year of college, I went to Summer school in Germany with several acquaintences. Upon our return, in celebration(!) of all the wonderful beer we drank in Germany, we decided to drink bad american beer. I killed a 6 pack of Schlitz. Icky. Natty Light was big at frat parties where I went to school, too. This guy I knew used to have a belt that held six beers at strategic points around his waist. He also maintained that Schlitz was *good* beer. For the record, he was always the first to get naked at any given party.

by SwingCheese at September 7, 2001 10:02 AM

Yes, the Nipple Sipper is still in the apartment. It mocks me every time I open the cabinet for Tupperware.

Want it back?

by Shar at September 9, 2001 4:58 PM

I really don't, thanks. It's such a malformed little item that I don't really like to to look at it.

by space at September 9, 2001 9:49 PM

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