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How To: Swim With The Sharks

by lizard at 10:24 PM on September 09, 2001

Unlike the book by the same title, this is not about how to outdo anyone in the business world. Quite the contrary, it's the sort of activity you might be drawn to if you're more of a loser than a winner, if you've had enough of this tired old world, your daytrading portfolio of hot dot-coms is no more than a fabulous delusion in your memory, and you're looking for a new thrill to enliven your boring existence. Have I got a hobby for you!

You might have heard some tragic stories about shark attacks off the East Coast of the US, but what you probably don't realize is that only the first few were truly tragic; after all the intense publicity, the rest have been pure, Darwin Award-class stupidity. If you are hungering after your own moment in the spotlight of this media circus, and want the excitement of a truly extreme sport, just follow these simple steps:

First, get yourself to one of our fine Atlantic beaches. If you can find a deserted beach, plastered with ‘Danger! Beach Closed! Stay The Hell Away From The Water You Idiot!’ signs, that's a good place to start. If the beach is truly deserted, you're going to have to put some extra effort into it, because sharks are attracted to creatures moving about on the water's surface. Get out there in the waves, splash around, make some noise, work hard!

If this doesn't pan out for you, it's time to work smarter, not harder. Sharks don't necessarily prefer people food, so you might want to disguise yourself as one of the shark's favorite snacks, the sea lion. Squeeze your behind into a shiny black wetsuit (might want to fatten yourself up first), strap on some flippers, and swim around madly while making barking noises.

So, you say you've been doing wild animal impersonations to the best of your ability, yet you've still failed to attract even a nibble? Well, sharks have a keen sense of smell, and are attracted by something called ‘chum’, which is essentially bloody, puréed fish. If you don't have a readily available chum source, try sleeping in your wetsuit until you develop a pungent, fishy B.O., and then right before you go in the water, cut your foot on a seashell or other sharp object.

If you're still alive and in possession of all of your limbs after all this, then I can't help you. You will have to find some other way to fulfill your death wish. How about cordless bungee-jumping?

comments (1)

fabulous. i have been searching for a new way to go. all the traditional ways completely suck, talk about overuse. well, ill keep researching, for that one day when i realize that im old and worthless... thanks for the laugh

by ben at July 24, 2003 9:11 AM

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