« What else is there to do? | Main | You know you also want to do what we get to do. »


Disorderly Eating

by lizard at 12:12 AM on September 07, 2001

I gained some weight this year. For quite a chunk of time, ending in early March, I was living apart from Chris, and somehow feeling any sort of singleness in my life will give me an edge, an edge which keeps me thinner than usual. My guess is, it's possibilities. In order to remain open to the possibilities life offers, it's necessary, at least in my mind, to avoid being a special interest case (and attracting chubby-chasers). So, I was keeping myself in single-digit size clothes, remaining fairly active (if you call having a crappy car you have to push-start ‘active’), putting effort into the whole hair/makeup thing, and generally trying to look and feel available.

That all ended when I finally moved back in with Chris, and after a month or so of on-and-off expressions of animosity and discomfort, settled into a fairly calm and pleasant existence. Put away the single-digit clothes and settled into my fat pants. Bought a much nicer car, which I've only had to push once. The Buick has nice, wide seats that fit my butt just right. Chubby, but comfy, and fairly happy. All was well.

However my relationship with food is always fraught with peril. I always wanted one of those neat eating disorders like the cool kids get, where they eschew food entirely or just somehow manage to get themselves to puke it up, leaving them fashionably waiflike and appealing. However, I am always on the verge of a big pig-out. I like to call it Alzheimer's Bulimia - I eat and eat and forget to throw up. I know, it's the lamest joke ever. I apologize.

In times of relationship stress, I lose weight. Once, Chris broke up with me, and I lost twenty pounds I didn't necessarily need to lose within two weeks, because I couldn't swallow food, couldn't sleep, and shook all the time. You burn a lot of calories if you spend two weeks trembling with heartbroken angst. Ahh, the good old days.

In times of other stress, I eat until I hurt. The past two days have brought some fairly severe and lifestyle-threatening financial setbacks, which caused me to consume, conservatively, at least ten thousand calories. Yesterday I ate a huge bag of cashews in the morning, had a chicken pot pie and a half a tub of frosting in the afternoon, wolfed down a large helping of orange chicken and rice, then ate dinner, and then drank some beers. Today I finished the frosting, ate most of the ketchup flavored potato chips someone put on the filing cabinets to share, and handful after handful of the candy from the receptionist's basket. I then had two monster tacos for lunch and so far for dinner, a huge plate of spaghetti and then the spaghetti my son didn't eat. I know there was more than that, but I've blocked it. It's blocked me, too, but we won't go into that.

At this point, I'm bloated, puffy, fussy, and miserable. Chris broke out the cookies and chips and I ran in here to write this. Now, I have to do some basic maintenance on one of the floaty hippie dresses I haven't worn yet this week, because at this point, my fat pants are a mere memory, and even if I could buy bigger pants, I woudn't, because I am philosophically opposed to pants that size. I worry I'm making myself sound huge here; what I am, I believe, is approximately the national average size, however I stand firm in my belief that people who are that size should wear long, flowing, unrestrictive dresses if at all possible.

I have to go sew now, thanks for listening to me whine.

comments (8)

Things have been a big hectic for me lately, which means lots of junk food. Which means I feel like crap most of the time. All I want right now is rice, raw carrots and water.

Fortunately, I have some ridiculously fast metabolism and stay scrawny no matter how often I go through Checker's.

by space at September 8, 2001 7:52 PM

Well, you're a guy, so I guess you can get away with a comment like that. However when a skinny girl says to an unskinny girl, ‘Oh, I just eat and eat and never gain weight’, very bad things might happen to the skinny girl. Very, very bad things.

by kd at September 9, 2001 1:42 PM

Oh, I just eat and eat and never gain weight. I'm a 130-pound weakling.

by snaggle at September 9, 2001 5:40 PM

It's just not fair. I know, I know, ‘who said life was going to be fair’. Hrmmph.

by kd at September 9, 2001 10:17 PM

To reiterate what the other bad sam boys are saying, "I also eat and eat and never gain any weight."

by mg at September 10, 2001 8:38 AM

About the only time that losing weight is ridiculously easy is when I've just been dumped. Other than that, quiet boys! We don't want to hear about it! :)

by SwingCheese at September 10, 2001 10:30 AM

Getting dumped is the best weight loss plan I've ever tried.

However, regarding these young skinny guys, I content myself remembering what Chris looked like ten years ago, (at 31), he still looked like one of those chronically thin eat-anything-you-want guys. Wearing 32" waist pants. Now, a decade later, he's forty pounds heavier, wearing 38" pants, worn low under his gut.

You guys are young yet. But you wait. Just...wait.

by kd at September 10, 2001 5:15 PM

I have randomly found myself on this page. Google is strange like that. I had many HA HA's.

by TIMMEH at March 30, 2004 12:36 PM

comments are closed