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Bad News: Jerry's Sorry.

by space at 05:41 PM on September 18, 2001

Conservative Christian activist, Liberty University Chancellor, and total asshole Jerry Falwell has decided that last Tuesday's attacks weren't my fault after all and has apologized.

On Thursday's 700 Club, Falwell placed responsibility for the attacks in the hands of pagans, abortionists, feminists, homosexuals, gay rights supporters, the American Civil Liberties Union, the People for the American Way, federal courts, and any African Americans who may have used the "whites only" drinking fountain.

"All of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

Falwell has since removed "the finger" from my face. He now believes it is impossible to tell which particular sin caused God to withdraw His protection from the United States, and admits it may have been his own 50 megabyte collection of fake Britney Spears pornography.

It should be noted that Falwell's colleague, Pat Robertson, who hosts the show, agreed vocally with Falwell during the program, but later decided the remarks were "frankly, not fully understood" which, if you've seen Mr. Robertson lately, is not at all hard to believe.

If Dr. Falwell would like to meet me after work, I'll give him reason to wonder why God has withdrawn His "curtain of protection" from various parts of Dr. Falwell's anatomy.

comments (4)

Hey, Falwell may have had a point here. I was checking the ACLUs jacket pockets after it got home from work tonight (it was most likely defending some pronographer's right to free speech, the bastard), and found some unusual things. I found a plastic knife, a fake passport (it was a picture of the ACLU alright, but the name said ASPCA), a first class ticket from Boston to San Francisco, and a snow globe of the Empire State Bulding. Very suspicious, don't you think? If I wan't so busy writing checks to the 700 Club, I bet I'd be able to figure out what that darn ACLU was up to now.

by mg at September 18, 2001 6:29 PM

MG and Space, thank you for my first real honest belly laugh since this whole mess started.

by kd at September 18, 2001 7:24 PM

I'm sitting here grinning like an eejit - even though I have not the least idea who these people are. (never mind, I get the gist)

It is so nice to have you back!

by suey at September 19, 2001 7:42 AM

HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!*sigh* chuckle. Snort. snicker, snicker, snicker. Snotr. Heh. heh hehe hehe heh. *sigh* That rocked. Thank you.

by SwingCheese at September 19, 2001 9:23 AM

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