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sex machines : the condom apron
by mg at 01:39 PM on August 31, 2001
As the immortal Stuart Davis sings in a song I like to call Immanence, “Sex is proof the Holy Ghost crawls around in stuff that’s gross.” Unfortunately, the sexy “gross stuff” that the Holy Ghost crawls around in is also teeming with all sorts of diseases.
Which is why Mark Grubman, of Rego Park, New York (hey, that’s only a couple blocks from here), invented the condom apron. As Grubman explained in his patent application, “The use of condoms, while better than nothing, leaves open the considerable risk of infection … as a result of sloppy, careless, and/or accidental smearing and/or spilling of copulation fluids from one or more of the sex partners.”
Personally, I enjoy the sloppy, careless and/or accidental smearing and/or spilling of fluids during copulation, but I guess I can see the point Grubman’s invention, which is a plastic apron that is tied around the waist and stretched down to the thighs. At penis level, it has a condom contiguously attached. The lower edge of the apron has a special open cuff to catch fluids that run down the front of the garment - kinda like the storm drain your parent’s made you clean out every fall. Hopefully, you’d clean up the condom cuff more than once a year. And, equally as hopefully, you’d get to have sex more than once a year, but it’s hard for me to imagine anyone could possibly have sex that often.
And, when you bought one of Grubman’s devices, not only do you get the condom apron, but it also came with a bonus plastic face shield that could be tied around the head and “worn … during sex and/or copulation, in order to avoid the touching of lips and/or saliva of the opposite mouths of the copulating partners.” Romantic, huh?
The device obviously never gained popularity, as you can’t head out to the pharmacy at 2 in the morning and by a Trojan brand Condom Apron. I just don’t understand though. I can imagine what a great help one of these would be for all those times I’m at home, multitasking and have to quickly switch from copulation to frying eggs. I’d never have to worry about hot grease splattering on my genitals again!
comments (14)
MG-Can you tell it is raining to beat the band here? I have WAY too much time on my hands today! :0) I read this and was like hmmmm...there is Sooo much I could say...haha but I will refrain. I will add that ANYONE who feels they NEED this apron deal maybe should stick to no-touch-get-yourself-off kinds of sex. Either real visual stimulation or that of the porn kind. This dude that invented this thing has obviously NEVER had GOOD sex, else he sure as hell would figure out that he would NOT be able to wear this apron doing it! (rolling here)
by Pristine at August 31, 2001 2:29 PM
"I want to fuck you, but I fear you may be a disease-ridden gutter trollop. Please excuse me while I don my sexy condom apron . . ."
Yeah, well I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, too.
by Charles at September 1, 2001 1:28 AM
In spite of the garment's obvious practicality, it also could be considered fetishistic - I mean people get into stuff like rubber and saran wrap, right? Not that I'd know anything about that, I just heard it in my search requests.
by kd at September 2, 2001 10:18 AM
I love cocks. Give me one, American Porn Guys!! Oh and I wana fuck Osama I think he has a thick cock
by Sexpornwhatever!!!! Alicianna Lucillo Chantel at November 1, 2001 9:37 AM
this is fucking disgusting
by woody courtnage at November 8, 2001 5:23 AM
I find your content thoroughly amusing, but I am worried about some of your readers, who seem to expect you to turn into a full-scale porn provider for them... are they having trouble opening up all that porn mail, or what...?
by jenn at February 2, 2002 10:08 AM
Well you people obviously are looking at it from one angle... but why not look at it from another... What if you already have an STD, and you want to go on trying to live a normal life. Just becuase you have an STD, for instance if you have HPV, does not mean your life in the bedroom must end. The only thing wrong with those that are HPV+, like myself is that we get little "bumps" every now and again, or possibly once and then never again, that are totally treatable with medicines such as aldara... Now this apron, though it looks silly and I'll admit, very unnatractive, could be useful in our community...
by HPV+ at February 7, 2002 5:21 AM
Well you people obviously are looking at it from one angle... but why not look at it from another... What if you already have an STD, and you want to go on trying to live a normal life. Just becuase you have an STD, for instance if you have HPV, does not mean your life in the bedroom must end. The only thing wrong with those that are HPV+, like myself is that we get little "bumps" every now and again, or possibly once and then never again, that are totally treatable with medicines such as aldara... Now this apron, though it looks silly and I'll admit, very unnatractive, could be useful in our community...
by HPV+ at February 7, 2002 5:22 AM
In order for you to be able to change the condom, there has to be an actual hole in the thing. This means that fluids can be exchanged, and fluids during sex CAN transmit a few STD's. So say the opening moves a bit during sex, then skin contact happens. Put one on and then hop in the sack with somebody who has hpv (genital warts) and hsv (herpes) and roll the dice, I dare you. Do you want to risk that?
by sommerssteve at February 9, 2002 10:13 PM
That's funny shit, man. How 'bout them eggs?
by Kim at December 13, 2002 2:14 AM
I have cock warts.
by MOJO at December 10, 2003 8:39 PM
as a guy im glad at least this one does not cause harm to the penis
by aguy at March 12, 2004 4:36 AM
that fucking rules but u could have a man witha condom on his dick
by david at December 4, 2004 2:53 AM
what the fuck is wrong with these people "wait ....let me put on my condom apron i will be back." god how dumb do some people get.
by bill at December 5, 2004 1:27 AM