bad advice : you and me and her, simultaneous loving baby

by mg at 09:55 AM on July 20, 2001

April writes:

I'm considering organising an orgy with my fiancé and some close friends.

How do I get this plan underway?

Oh darling, you could not have asked a worse person for this kind of advice. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve not been having the best of luck recently in the vertical mambo department. My idea of an orgy would be using both hands. In fact, it has been so long since I’ve gotten any, I’m 80% sure that I’ve forgotten how. And believe me, you can forget how to do it; sex is not like riding a bicycle, though, the last time I did it, I seem to remember that a bicycle chain, spokes and a banana seat were involved.

Well, I’ll do my best. I was listening to Love Lines the other day, when Adam and Dr. Drew got a call from a woman contemplating a three-way (that’s a ménage à trois to my French speaking readers) with her best friend and her boyfriend. Dr. Drew, as he often does, advised her not to have any fun at all. He said that it is pretty tough to stay in a committed relationship after you’ve seen your significant other having sex with another person.

And while I can’t say I’ve ever had that experience, I have to agree. Though, I do feel I have to add one caveat. If you are in a heterosexual relationship, seeing your partner having heterosexual sex with another person is always always always a bad thing. Any guy who can continue to be with a woman after he’s seen another guy stick his junk in her most private of areas has some serious mental problems.

I can’t really speak for women here, but from what I understand, you ladies associate physical intimacy with emotional intimacy, so watching your man sticking his junk in another woman’s most private of areas is going to bother you, even if you thought it would be okay beforehand.

So, getting back to the caveat, seeing your significant other having a homosexual encounter is really not so bad, at least from a guy’s perspective. I don’t think any guy would ever be upset if he walked in on his woman kissing another woman. Women are just so damn beautiful. Two women, logically, would be twice as beautiful. But this is a case where logic is wrong.

Like on Star Trek you’d think Warp Two is twice as fast as Warp One, but it way more than twice as fast; two women together would, likewise, be exponentially more beautiful. Two women together would be two to the second power beautiful, which would actually be four times as beautiful as one woman alone. Three women together would be nine times as beautiful. Understand?

However, ladies, if your man is willing to have sex with another man for you, he is gay. Sorry. A fella may experiment with homosexuality, but he sure as hell isn’t going to do it in front of anyone else. Experimentation like that is best left to gym locker rooms and laundromats. Back me up on this one Snaggle.

If it isn’t painfully obvious, I agree with Dr. Drew; sex with multiple, simultaneous partners is always a bad thing if you want to continue to be in a healthy, stable relationship. April, you and your fiancé should not have an orgy (though, if you disregard my advice, please take pictures and send them to me.)

For the rest of you - those in unstable or unhealthy relationship, or in no relationship at all - I say go right ahead with the ménage à trois, the orgy, or the night on the farm, if that’s what you are into. And if you are going to do it, the question then becomes, how do you pull off the orgy?

Well, at first though, having an orgy with a group of complete strangers would be better than having an orgy with a group of friends. You’ll have to see your friends the next morning and it’s hard to look at someone the same way after you’ve had their genitals in your mouth, let me tell you. So, strangers are definitely the way to go.

Unfortunately, short of going to a sex club, or an Interstate rest stop, I can’t think of a way to convince a roomful of people to have sex with me. Christ, I can’t even convince a single person to have sex with me, much less an entire softball team’s worth of people.

So, friends it is then. And the way to get over that awkward feeling you’ll have the morning after, staring at your friend over a bowl of Lucky Charms, is to make sure none of you actually remember what happened the night before.

I suggest using ruphedenol for this task. Now, some of you may have trouble getting a hold of some roofies, since some people (we’ll call them “squares”) consider them “illegal.” Just because Rohypnol is commonly called the “date rape drug,” it seems to have gotten a bad rap. Damn political correctness always ruining my good time. In lieu of handful of roofies, I suggest providing copious amounts of alcohol to your orgy guests.

But, you can’t just call your friends up and invite them to an orgy. That would be silly. Maybe Jenna Jamison, could pull off that phone call cold, but I couldn’t, nor the likes of the troglodytes who read this site. The rest of us have to ease into the whole orgy idea. Start small. Maybe have a "Spin the Bottle" party. You can cast it in the light of being all retro, and kitschy, and reminiscent of your awkward junior high school days. Your friends will love this idea.

Next, you should, one night, when you and your friends have tossed back a couple shots of tequila, casually broach the idea of going skinny-dipping. If they are into it, this is a good sign. This will be a great chance for everyone to get comfortable being naked around each other in a non-sexual way.

Some ex-roommates of mine had always wanted to host a naked keg party. Nothing sexual; just an entire night of “watching the game, drinking a Bud,” only sans clothes. We were never able to actually have the party, but maybe you all will have better luck. Maybe you could even convince your friends to start up a game of naked Twister.

Hard as it may be to believe, if you’ve taken the above steps, everyone should be perfectly comfortable with the idea of having group sex. Did I mention you should involve alcohol? Lots and lots of alcohol.

If you need advice, and no one else can help, call the A-Team, I mean, get some bad advice.