« special guest post : personal hygiene with space | Main | mocha jet fuel »


bad advice : you and me and her, simultaneous loving baby

by mg at 09:55 AM on July 20, 2001

April writes:

I'm considering organising an orgy with my fiancť and some close friends.

How do I get this plan underway?

Oh darling, you could not have asked a worse person for this kind of advice. If you havenít noticed, Iíve not been having the best of luck recently in the vertical mambo department. My idea of an orgy would be using both hands. In fact, it has been so long since Iíve gotten any, Iím 80% sure that Iíve forgotten how. And believe me, you can forget how to do it; sex is not like riding a bicycle, though, the last time I did it, I seem to remember that a bicycle chain, spokes and a banana seat were involved.

Well, Iíll do my best. I was listening to Love Lines the other day, when Adam and Dr. Drew got a call from a woman contemplating a three-way (thatís a mťnage ŗ trois to my French speaking readers) with her best friend and her boyfriend. Dr. Drew, as he often does, advised her not to have any fun at all. He said that it is pretty tough to stay in a committed relationship after youíve seen your significant other having sex with another person.

And while I canít say Iíve ever had that experience, I have to agree. Though, I do feel I have to add one caveat. If you are in a heterosexual relationship, seeing your partner having heterosexual sex with another person is always always always a bad thing. Any guy who can continue to be with a woman after heís seen another guy stick his junk in her most private of areas has some serious mental problems.

I canít really speak for women here, but from what I understand, you ladies associate physical intimacy with emotional intimacy, so watching your man sticking his junk in another womanís most private of areas is going to bother you, even if you thought it would be okay beforehand.

So, getting back to the caveat, seeing your significant other having a homosexual encounter is really not so bad, at least from a guyís perspective. I donít think any guy would ever be upset if he walked in on his woman kissing another woman. Women are just so damn beautiful. Two women, logically, would be twice as beautiful. But this is a case where logic is wrong.

Like on Star Trek youíd think Warp Two is twice as fast as Warp One, but it way more than twice as fast; two women together would, likewise, be exponentially more beautiful. Two women together would be two to the second power beautiful, which would actually be four times as beautiful as one woman alone. Three women together would be nine times as beautiful. Understand?

However, ladies, if your man is willing to have sex with another man for you, he is gay. Sorry. A fella may experiment with homosexuality, but he sure as hell isnít going to do it in front of anyone else. Experimentation like that is best left to gym locker rooms and laundromats. Back me up on this one Snaggle.

If it isnít painfully obvious, I agree with Dr. Drew; sex with multiple, simultaneous partners is always a bad thing if you want to continue to be in a healthy, stable relationship. April, you and your fiancť should not have an orgy (though, if you disregard my advice, please take pictures and send them to me.)

For the rest of you - those in unstable or unhealthy relationship, or in no relationship at all - I say go right ahead with the mťnage à trois, the orgy, or the night on the farm, if thatís what you are into. And if you are going to do it, the question then becomes, how do you pull off the orgy?

Well, at first though, having an orgy with a group of complete strangers would be better than having an orgy with a group of friends. Youíll have to see your friends the next morning and itís hard to look at someone the same way after youíve had their genitals in your mouth, let me tell you. So, strangers are definitely the way to go.

Unfortunately, short of going to a sex club, or an Interstate rest stop, I canít think of a way to convince a roomful of people to have sex with me. Christ, I canít even convince a single person to have sex with me, much less an entire softball teamís worth of people.

So, friends it is then. And the way to get over that awkward feeling youíll have the morning after, staring at your friend over a bowl of Lucky Charms, is to make sure none of you actually remember what happened the night before.

I suggest using ruphedenol for this task. Now, some of you may have trouble getting a hold of some roofies, since some people (weíll call them ďsquaresĒ) consider them ďillegal.Ē Just because Rohypnol is commonly called the ďdate rape drug,Ē it seems to have gotten a bad rap. Damn political correctness always ruining my good time. In lieu of handful of roofies, I suggest providing copious amounts of alcohol to your orgy guests.

But, you canít just call your friends up and invite them to an orgy. That would be silly. Maybe Jenna Jamison, could pull off that phone call cold, but I couldnít, nor the likes of the troglodytes who read this site. The rest of us have to ease into the whole orgy idea. Start small. Maybe have a "Spin the Bottle" party. You can cast it in the light of being all retro, and kitschy, and reminiscent of your awkward junior high school days. Your friends will love this idea.

Next, you should, one night, when you and your friends have tossed back a couple shots of tequila, casually broach the idea of going skinny-dipping. If they are into it, this is a good sign. This will be a great chance for everyone to get comfortable being naked around each other in a non-sexual way.

Some ex-roommates of mine had always wanted to host a naked keg party. Nothing sexual; just an entire night of ďwatching the game, drinking a Bud,Ē only sans clothes. We were never able to actually have the party, but maybe you all will have better luck. Maybe you could even convince your friends to start up a game of naked Twister.

Hard as it may be to believe, if youíve taken the above steps, everyone should be perfectly comfortable with the idea of having group sex. Did I mention you should involve alcohol? Lots and lots of alcohol.

If you need advice, and no one else can help, call the A-Team, I mean, get some bad advice.

comments (11)

three words: naked crisco twister.

by kd at July 20, 2001 10:13 AM

That's "horizontal tango", I believe.

Vertical mambo-type orgies usually require banisters and other objects to maintain verticality. Think Woodstock.

Crisco is too thick. Use corn oil.

by bri at July 20, 2001 11:06 AM

Laudromats. Heh. No comment.

Uh-oh. My friends have played Spin the Bottle -and- gone skinny dipping together. Are we on the road to an orgy?


by snaggle at July 20, 2001 11:34 AM

In total agreement with you on this one!

But the spin-the-bottle party sounds awesome! (you having one?) :-)

by Tamara at July 20, 2001 12:07 PM

Having just moved to southern california, I just experienced the requisite group sex thing. It was fun in the moment, but when it was over, people were all in a tizzy. I got to go home with a great memory, but the other 3 were roommates. Yikes! Be careful with this one. Unless you are not emotionally involved.

by L.J. Fogel at July 21, 2001 2:20 PM

My friend Xenia, her boyfriend Jacob and I had a sort of mini orgy after we drank a mickey of tequila each. Tequila is *the* drink if you want to get laid.

by Alexis at July 21, 2001 3:34 PM

Come to think of it, I had some pretty amazing sex last night. It goes like this: do not sleep for 24 hours. Drink a mickey of vodka mixed with one of those tiny bottles of Kahlua and a bit of milk. Then drink Johnny Walker Red Label, Jack Daniels, $7 red wine, some approximately half a pack of (not your) John Players specials. Mix well with a 20 minute walk to meet your boyfriend and 5 joints of the best pot you can get. Shake well in a bunk bed at your friend's house. Emerge at 2 am and eat a hamburger and realize lots of people left while you were gone. Go home, pass out, sleep for 14 hours. Voila!

by Alexis at July 21, 2001 3:39 PM


Do you ever come to Texas? Want a free plane ticket?

by Charles at July 22, 2001 4:53 PM

you suck! that wasn't bad advice at all. I expect much, much worse from somebody claiming to give bad advice to the lovelorn. Don't have an orgy with your fiance?????!!!!!!! I guess I'm going to have to search for a real bad advice sight now.

by andy at February 18, 2003 12:01 PM

Ur idea of an orgy got me wetting myself with laughter, and the rest was just too damn hilarious, i had to go to the loo 4 times before i'd finished the whole thing. Damn brilliant.

by Xero at April 7, 2004 4:04 PM

wow. that was insightful. but not true for everyone. I have seen my husband have sex with both another woman, and another man. and i found it hot and sexy. and the others are still my friends.

by dw at October 20, 2005 7:19 PM

comments are closed