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bad advice : WWBD?

by mg at 02:21 PM on June 07, 2001

Melanie asks:

Should I stop smoking?

Should you stop smoking? What the hell kind of question is that? You meant it to be rhetorical, didn’t you? It must have been a rhetorical question. At least, I hope it was a rhetorical question. I mean, after all the things we know about smoking now, how can you even ask such a question?

It is almost like asking me whether I want to have sex with Drew Barrymore . Of course I want to have sex with Drew Barrymore! You shouldn’t have to ask. It is a given.

Just like with smoking. Should you quit smoking? Of course not! You shouldn’t even have to ask. It is a given.

Do you think Humphrey Bogart ever asked if he should quit smoking? Do you think Jack Nicholson ever asked if he should quit smoking? Do you think Christian Slater ever asked if he should quit smoking? Hell no!

And why have Bogie, Jack and Christian never asked if they should quit smoking? Because they are some of the coolest people in the history of cool people and because smoking is one of, if not, the coolest affectations a person can have.

Did you ever see someone in a bar and think - “Damn that person looks cool, I wanna get with them”? I know have. And have you ever thought about what quality is that is drawing you to that person? I know have. And sure, you might think it might have something to do with looks, or personality, finances or pheromones, despite what you might think at first. When you really get to the root of things, attraction is based entirely on whether your paramour has got a cigarette between their lips.

There is also one thing that is consistent between all of the best books and movies ever made – the main characters are smokers. Well, okay, there are two things if you count alcohol. Three if you count sex. But smoking is the main thing they all have in common, and since you can do it with your clothes on, it is a lot easier to do in public view.

I’ve smoked now for ten years. Freaking crazy, considering I’m only 25. But, what are you going to do? There have been long periods of time within those ten years that I wasn’t smoking. Recently, I’d “quit” for more than six months. Then I started working with my Israeli friends, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I’d succumb to the nicotine cravings again.

Speaking of work, I recently had to do the WebMD Health Risk Appraisal test. Well, I didn’t exactly have to take the test for work, but I did take it at work. Moving on, based on my age (25), and how much I smoke (around 5 cigarettes a day), I want you to guess how much longer my life would be if I stopped smoking now.

Take a wild guess. There are no wrong answers here except all of the ones that aren’t 0.2 years. That’s right, if I quit right now, my life would be extended by 0.2 years. You know how long 0.2 years is? Only about 73 fucking days!

That is less time than it takes to ship a George Foreman “Knock out the Fat” Grill! That is less time than it would take to order a new passport! I’d only be able to get 7/8 around the world in a hot-air balloon in 73 days! Are you kidding? You want me to quit smoking so I can live for another measly 73 days? It isn’t worth it.

So, Melanie, whenever you find yourself asking whether you should quit smoking, just ask yourself, “What would Bogie do (WWBD)?” The answer, of course, is that Bogie (not to mention MG) would “Just say no.” To not smoking, that is. Which would mean you would keep smoking. Ah Christ, I need a cigarette.

comments (8)

hey i'm happy to cosign that recommendation - i just started smoking again after a year & a half quitting, & i've never felt better! i'm already having fewer psychotic episodes, i've lost five pounds at least! i find it's better to smoke than to pull people over & kill them for driving slow in front of me. wait did i write that?

by kd at June 7, 2001 4:51 PM

I just quit smoking. Tommorrow will be my one week anniversary. Reading this column made me want a smoke real bad-ass. But see, ive gotten use to the cravings and the bitchy-ness. I've already picked up like 3 bitches since i quit, cause the real chicks dig non-smokers. All ya need is motivation, and a will to quit.

by Flipside at June 7, 2001 6:45 PM

celebrating a "one-week" anniversary is kind of lame, dont you think? i mean, celebrating anything other than a yearly anniversary seems kind of bitchy-girly to me. please excuse me while i celebrate my 5-hour anniversary for not pleasuring myself in public.

by tom at June 7, 2001 10:09 PM

I never said i was celebrating it you fuck-nut. OK, i'll reword that, tommorrow is the day that i have not been smoking for one week.

by Flipsde at June 8, 2001 3:32 PM

Just ignore Tom, he is an idiot.

Actually, I've un/officially "quit" smoking too. I can't remember the exact day, since they've all been seeming to blend together recently, but I don't think the quitting will last this time.

The question is whether I should give up now and just start smoking again, or hold off as long as I can before I start smoking again, even though I will, without a doubt, start smoking again, and therefore denying myself a cigarette now is really just a peverse exercise in sadism.

by mg at June 8, 2001 4:06 PM

Yeah, some people like Tom just get kicks over making fun of other people, he must feel high and mighty cause he is cooler than me.

I, myself, am asking the question of when, and where I will start smoking again. Tonight i have to live through a night of drinking, and probably sex, but i did it twice last week, so i hope i can do it again. The smoke with the first beer, and every one after that is so delicious, I know i will one day give in while smashed out of my mind.

by Flipside at June 8, 2001 9:20 PM

I like cheese. Do you? Do you like monkeys coz i do. I drink milk. From cows. Homogenized of course. I just had sex with a cow.

by loser side at November 13, 2001 8:34 AM

If I smoke will I get more sex?


If I dont smoke will I get more sex?

Ok I'll rephrase this - what the fuck should I do to get more sex???


Can't I just get plistered and stand around naked? It sometimes works...

I think.... 8^/

by magpie at February 18, 2002 11:11 AM

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