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bad news : dude, where's my testicle?

by mg at 02:01 PM on May 20, 2001

Erik Williams must have flunked out of Sexual Predator 101.

He seems to have forgotten one of the most important rules to sexual assault - when you are attacking someone, it is best to not put your parts anywhere near their mouth. Unless, of course, you're attacking someone without teeth, an octogenarian, an 8 month old, or anyone from Arkansas.

Which wasn't the case with Williams's alleged victim, who was a well-abled 42 year-old with a perfect set of choppers. She never had a cavity in her life. Which is a good thing for her, but a bad thing for Williams. For, as Williams allegedly accosted the woman and ordered her to perform a sex act on him, she bit off his testicles. Just bit them, clean off. Like two dogs fighting over a piece of steak.

She then walked into a police station and turned over the parts to some officers. Which had to be quite a shock for them. I mean, you are expecting an order of Moo Shu Pork and someone walks in and drops a pair semen holders on your desk.

And don't you think if you were her you'd want to keep them? If I were her, I’d want to keep them as a permanent reminder that I could take care of myself. Having a bad day? No worries, “If I can chew off a man’s family jewels, this big project at work should be a snap!”

Williams showed up at a local hospital shortly afterward complaining that his walnuts were missing, which, unless Chicago is a crazier town that I've always thought it was, makes him suspect number one in the attack.

Doctors tried to surgically re-attach Williams's man sacks, but were unable to.

According to Sandra Wilks, hospital spokesperson, the doctors tried valiantly to repair Mr. Williams’s manly hangings. She said, "You know how when you are watching E.R. and the doctors spend 40 minutes performing CPR, even after their patient is obviously dead? Yeah, it was just like that here. The doctors spent at least seven whole minutes in the operating room trying to reattach Mr. Williams testicles."

According to doctors, Williams is now sterile. The gene pool breathes a sigh of relief.

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