bad advice : don't celebrate the hole

by mg at 08:50 AM on May 14, 2001

ChaChi writes:

I have this girl and well I really like her and I wanted to do something special for her and we have been seeing each other for about 4 months. What do you have in mind?

As every sensitive male should know, there are different themes for different anniversaries. For example, 25 years is considered to be the silver anniversary and 50 years is the gold anniversary.

This isn’t widely known, but four months is the brown anniversary.

This is the anniversary that you are supposed to give your girl some hot anal sex. You know she wants it. And you know you want to give it to her.

So, head out to Rite Aid, buy your girl some KY Jelly, and a nice card, of course. While you are there, you should also buy her something soft to sit on, ‘cause with the ass ramming you are going to give her, she won't be able to sit down without discomfort for a while.

A diamond may last forever, but a good butt plugging will stay with her for weeks.

Seriously though, what the hell is it with all these stupid little anniversaries?

Does no one realise that “anniversary” inherently implies a period of a year? So you can’t really have a four-month anniversary, and I think we, as manly men, should rebel against our women coming up with all these silly little excuses they come up with to buy them things.

Why do we let women twist us around like this? No man would ever voluntarily buy his woman a four-month anniversary present, much less a fortieth anniversary present. The only way most guys would even remember a four-month anniversary is because the woman had been dropping hints about it for at least the last three months.

And there is only one reason that men put up with this crap. Sex.

It seems pretty simple, I guess. Anniversaries, like most things in life, are just about sex.

I’m not, for that reason alone, whole-heartedly against buying your woman a nice romantic little present once in a while. I want sex. And I’m guessing, ChaChi, that you want sex too.

But is it worth being forced to buy your girl something just because you’ve been seeing each other for four months? Or because she has finally given up the “exotic tropical plant?” Or because it’s her birthday or something. I say, screw that shit.

It isn’t love if it’s on a schedule, that’s what my mom always used to tell me.

So, I say, don’t get your girl anything for your anniversary. Personally, I am done with anniversaries. I am done with holidays. I am done with birthdays. And I advise every male reading this to do the same.

Take your stand here and now, on the most appropriate of days, Mother’s Day. The day we celebrate the hole we escaped from, can now stand, forever, as the day we’ve decided to stop all the stupid little celebrations in honor of the holes we spend our lives trying to get back into.

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