bad advice : can't get no less than jake

by mg at 11:13 AM on April 13, 2001

Jake writes:

Will Ashley give me some (you know what i'm saying? eh? eh?)?

No. She won't give it up. And sorry, it is that simple.

Here is a good rule of thumb for relationships: If you have to ask if someone is going to have sex with you, then they probably never will be having sex with you.

There are all sorts of studies out there. They've proven, conclusively, that people will make the decision whether or not to sleep with you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you. For guys the internal monologue, 95% of the time, will go something like this:

Hi, nice to meet you. You are kind of cute. I want to have sex with you.

Occasionally guys won't want to sleep with a woman that they meet. Like a cousin, or a long lost twin sister. But generally so, a guy will want to sleep with every woman he meets, will be pretty honest about if asked, and will make obvious attempts to get in that woman's pants.

For chicks it is a little more complicated. I've never been a woman, I've just laid one on a TV. So all of this is just speculation. But, my best guess as to what a woman's internal monologue would be upon meeting someone new is something like:

Hi, nice to meet you. I wonder if those sandals I saw last week are still on sale? You are kind of cute. I hate having such a small bladder because I have to pee so often. You look like you won't go bald for at least 10 more years. These pants make me look fat. I want to have sex with you, but not until we've been dating for at least 3 months and I've made you buy me lots of stuff. This humidity makes my hair so frizzy. And though I want to have sex with you I will never give you any indication that I might ever give it up. I like chocolate.

That is just a guess. I've never been a woman and never had a woman's internal monologue after meeting a guy for the first time. But even still, I'm sure the above is pretty close to the real thing. Even if by some fluke this isn't dead on, the point is still the same; people make their decisions about who they are going to sleep with within minutes of meeting someone. So what your mom is always saying about how the first impression is the only one that matters is completely true. Moms spew out so much crap to their kids that they are bound to be right some of the time, this is one of them.

So, because the first impression is so important, when you meet a woman for the first time you have to make sure that you are doing something that is impressive and sexy. Like washing your new Camaro, unbuttoning the jacket of your Armani suit, or shooting your wad in her face. Basically anything that will show that you've got a lot of money and power and that you are a real man.

In this situation, Jake, the first impression has already been made. She knew whether she was going to have sex with you a long time ago. And like I said, if you have to ask, then she isn't.

So, my advice is to dump her. Does she have a sister? A younger sister? As young as possible, but old enough to have hit puberty. In that 13 to 14 year-old range would be optimal. If she does, ask the younger sister out. She will be so glad that an older boy is asking her out that she will say yes no matter what kind of troll you are, and most likely give it up to you for the first time, if only to piss off her older sister.

Oh no. Wait. Strike that. Strike that entire paragraph. All of it. Don't have sex with her sister. Really. I'm unemployed and just don't have the money for bail.

My real advice, is, like I said, that since has already made her up mind, there isn't much you can do to change it. She knows whether she is either going to give it up or not. And even if she is going to give you her flower, she will wait as long as possible until she does let you pluck her. But if you have to ask, then she isn't.

But kids today are lucky. Back when I was younger, oral sex was actually considered sex. But nowadays, 10 year-olds trade their lunch money for it. I guess the youth of today don't think oral sex is that big a deal anymore. So, if you aren't already doing so, go for the oral as much as you can. And don't be greedy about it. For every time she hobs your knob you should eat some of that dolphin-free tuna.

Here is a little known science fact: the more women have sex, the more women want sex. I read that somewhere, and I believe everything I read. So, if you get really good at chowing the box and know how to work the digits like an accountant on tax day, your woman will be so into you, she might even be convinced to ignore her first impressions. And even if she doesn't ever give up the golden goose for you, you will be getting your rocks off, and that really is all that matters.

Now that I read this back, it is actually pretty good advice, I didn't mean that to happen. But if you would like some Bad Advice, or, quite possibly, Good Advice, if I mess up again. If you want advice, just write a letter, Maria.