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bad advice : ask a stupid question
by mg at 05:25 PM on April 27, 2001
bri writes:
Why won't mg let me have site access? I'm sad.
That really isn't a question. More a kind of whining. But since no one wrote in a real question this week, (What the hell? None of you need bad advice anymore?), I will answer your question. Kind of.
Here is a little guide I put together for potential Bad Samaritan writers:
1) Be funny.
2) Posts should be between 200 and 400 words. The minimum is there to make sure you've got a meme worthy of posting, and the maximum is there because this is my site, I'm the star.
3) Please try to post at least every other day. I understand time constraints, but it really isn't that difficult to write a short and entertaining paragraph or two every second day. It really isn't.
4) Please try not to post more than twice a day. This is my site. I'm the star.
5) If you are writing for the site, that means you've read the site. You know the tone. Feel free to write about whatever you want and in any way you want, but keep the tone close to that of what the audience has come to expect and has grown to love.
6) There are pretty much no restrictions on topic. However, there are some preferred topics, those being, children, animals, sex, crime, violence, media whores, or cannibalism, preferably a combination of two or more of those topics.
7) Actually, I take that back - there is a restriction on topics. Every post must contain at least one reference to children, animals, sex, crime, violence, media whores, or cannibalism.
8) If you are going to use the site to publicly announce your love for someone, please include a picture of that person. Preferably a nude picture.
9) Try not to make it about yourself. Unless you've got a great story or your name is mg, don't write about yourself. I am the star here. That being said, feel free to be self-referential and to relate outside events to your life. This isn't the New York Times (as if that needs to be said); "I" and "me" are perfectly acceptable.
10) You can be a nice person in your real life. I don't care about your real life. But here, you must be a Bad Samaritan. Don't force yourself to be outrageous, because that is never funny. To be a successful participant here you just need to learn to ignore the little voice in your head that says "Should I really say that?" That voice is the bane of creativity. You should destroy that voice. Use any means necessary, whether drugs, alcohol, or trepanation.
So. There you go. Who among you wants to write for Bad Samaritan now?
comments (7)
So, that story I'm writing about Underage Cannibal Gang-members who are into bestiality is a shoe-in, hmm?
by King Felix at November 15, 2001 3:36 PM
So what about an exposed website with children having sex with animals, (which is a crime) causing media whores to get violent and resort to cannibalism. There's a post!!
by GrandMastaJay at December 19, 2001 8:29 AM
So what about an exposed website with children having sex with animals, (which is a crime) causing media whores to get violent and resort to cannibalism. There's a post!!
by GrandMastaJay at December 19, 2001 8:30 AM
i am the coolest person ever.
by sara at December 11, 2002 1:32 PM
children, animals, sex, crime, violence, media whores, or cannibalism,, man except for cannibalism, thats like totally summing up the story of my life
by Andy Moore at February 17, 2003 6:58 PM
hi, my name is joanna and i really need some advice on how to be bad! a bunch of friends and i r going to bush gardens. one of my friends is really annoying and bringing her mom with her and her mom is going to be going around with us in the park. i need some good advice on how to ditch this girl and her mom and a good excuse on why we did ditch them. could u please send this back soon! thanks
~Joanna
by Joanna at June 19, 2003 4:35 PM
Dear Joanna,
Osama knows a thing or two about ditching people! So you only need to get away from one girl and her mother, eh? Child's play! Actually, I have a question. Why don't you just have the two of them snuffed out? Isn't that the most sensible thing to do? But anyway, if you want to do things the hard way, you can always shave your beard and throw on a slick looking suit from this summer's Hugo Boss collection. No one will never take you for a terrorist!
By the way, congratulations on getting to Bush Gardens! Good job! You must be a true believer. As soon as I croak from this bad kidney, I am headed straight to Bush Gardens myself. I can't wait to dive into those 72 virgin bushes.
Best of luck,
Osama
by Osama at June 20, 2003 11:17 AM