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Conspiracy Theory Corner
by mg at 10:14 AM on March 13, 2003
It’s time once again for another edition of Conspiracy Theory Corner. Well, this is the first edition, but maybe there will be others if the meds don’t kick in and even out that overwhelming paranoia I’m currently grooving on.
But anyway. I was watching American Idol last night and several realizations hit me in quick succession. First: Many people around the world hate Americans. Second: That repugnance, is based, in part, on a perceived predilection for pop culture. Third: Our infatuation with reality TV, and shows like American Idol, will only serve to make those that already hate us hate us even more. Fourth: Simon Crowley, the most consistently interesting part of the show, is a brit, as are the creator of the series. Fifth: The Brits are our greatest ally in the war against terror, solidly entrenching them as the second in power in the new world order. Sixth: When the terrorists strike again, it isn’t going to be in England. It’ll never be in England. Seventh: A sufficiently large attack by terrorists, or even North Korea, could cripple an already limp American economy, not to mention weaken our spirits. Therefore: Britain is foisting shows like American Idol on the United States in order to tarnish our reputation to the world, while simultaneously diverting our attention from larger issues. This is all done in an effort by England to regain the glory of it’s halcyon imperial days when America gets taken down. Those limey bastards.
comments (19)
Wow... this is like the Illuminatus!
Speaking of big useless but fun books, I just finished Infinite Jest. Finally. Stupid bastard ending-in-the-middle book.
But anyway, your theory? It's RIGHT ON brother. RIGHT ON.
by Linz at March 13, 2003 11:36 AM
I don't think I ever mentioned it, but my Infinite Jest post got mentioned on a David Foster Wallace listserv. I don't think it was in a positive light, which is probably why I never brought it before, but I'm nothing if not willing to expose myself to criticism and reveling in it when it inevitably comes.
by mg at March 13, 2003 12:18 PM
I'm liking this theory... it's growing on me. Staying off the meds could lead to great things for your future career into political theory. :)
by überchick at March 13, 2003 1:30 PM
This is actually the second conspiracy theory you have uncovered. I gotta admit they're getting better as you go along, though.
by Lucy at March 13, 2003 1:42 PM
MG, or should I say Noam? Brilliant work olde chap. Smashing. I completely follow your straight-as-an-arrow logic. Bullseye! I have often suspected the motives of any Brit. They come over here and talk that talk with that accent and get laid by american woman because of it damn fuck shit bastard. Ever notice how all those Brit beer commercials are always so much cooler than American beer comm's. Again, they are trying to alter the world's perception. Even those fucking Dr. Martens...I bet they have a microchip in the heel and it activates some ultra-tiny little motor that pulls a skinny, hair-like cable that makes the shoes get tighter and then you walk around looking foolish because your feet hurt, but only on American feet, you know, to make us look stupid, and then the rest of the world laughs, hahaha.
But, we have the MOAB. You can't hide from the MOAB.
by Joseph at March 13, 2003 1:51 PM
Sweet fancy Moses Lucy! How in the world did you remember that?
by mg at March 13, 2003 2:08 PM
Oh shit, they're connected...I took a lookey at the "first" theory and found a connection. Edward Norton=American Idol. Edward Norton, stars in a movie called AMERICAN history x and has the same first name as another Edward...Edward LODI (Lodi=Idol). Edward Norton did the voice for "Devon Bradley" in "The Great Money Caper" episode of the Simpsons. I'm certain it's no coincidence that Devon Bradley sounds very, very close to Simon Cowell.
by Joseph at March 13, 2003 2:40 PM
I dunno, I just remembered as soon as I read your post title. That and I was watching Fight Club two nights ago, which got me in an Edward Norton state of mind.
by Lucy at March 13, 2003 3:36 PM
Ye gads! We're screwed man. Beautiful piece of sleuthing MG. Hats off to you also Joseph for making that disturbing connection. We need to alert homeland security!
by Ezy at March 13, 2003 4:03 PM
We've always been Church of England... Just waiting for the return of Atilla the Hun, who will come in the form of a dog, a German Shepard... I remember the last time he was around, and the Pope was so frightened by him... you should've saw it, MG. You were just a little Persian boy at the time, playing with a ball that your sister bartered with a traveling bard from Athens... I doubted he was from Athens, but your sister kept pretending he was, some sort of starcrossed lovers thing, I loved your sister, don't know if she's around this generation in any form...
by LOCKHEED at March 13, 2003 6:37 PM
I love it when you use ten-dollar words like "halycon." I try to figure out what it means from the context, but I never can. Also, what the hell is this MOAB all about?
by Anna at March 13, 2003 6:43 PM
Massive Ordnance Air Blast
http://www.cnn.com/2003/US/03/11/sprj.irq.moab/index.html
by Joseph at March 13, 2003 9:06 PM
MOAB... also MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS
by LOCKHEED at March 13, 2003 10:16 PM
I dunnknow, MG - Reality shows are big the world over. Germany has their own version of American Idol. Survivor was Dutch. Further, Japanese and Asian TV are psychotic with reality tv.
by Ralph at March 14, 2003 3:53 PM
no, we hate you but our government likes you. its much simpler that way.
by sevenhelz at June 13, 2003 7:38 AM
was going to put a humourous comment on this site regarding cats and sniper rifles, but then read comment about terrorists never striking in England. I'm and ex-member of the British Army who has lost friends to Irish terrorist activities on mainland Britian. You don't have a monopoly on being victims of outrage,mate. And another thing, when are you yanks going to understand that the country is called the United Kingdom, and consists of more than just the bloody English? I myself am Scottish and I have to say, its that big-headed attitude of yours thats getting you hated worldwide, not crap t.v. shows. Show some respect for other people and cultures and people might like you a bit more
by troop at November 3, 2003 4:04 AM
Chamberlain may have rolled over for Hitler in 38, but we had the balls to realise the error in that and took Hitler to task in 39 while your fellow countrymen decided to see if you could sit it all out (Germany might not be in a postion of still no 'paying for it's sins' if the US had shown some balls in the first place.)
We British haven't won a battle on our own for quite some time, this is quite true. The last battle we fought without aid was indeed the Falklands conflict. Before that, throughout our military history we have had many allies. What was the last war that America fought (and won) unaided? I must admit to not being to up on US military history but it seems to me that you haven't actually managed to win anything without the aid of others ( except, if Hollywood is to be believed, World War II) Hell - you couldn't even kick us out of your country without the aid of the French and the Native Americans. I'll also stick my neck out and say that if it wasn't for the rear guard 'mop up' action performed by the British army, the US military's march on Bagdhad would have taken a lot longer. The US seemed content to stick to the roads and avoid conflicts on the way, in their race for glory (and those all important oil fields... do the corporations run the army as well as everything else in your country these days?).
by Paul Cook at January 29, 2004 7:30 AM
tiny tim was in fact a cia agent planted by the yanks to send us all looking for lillies pink whilst they played games in asia and south america
by paul at March 26, 2004 4:04 AM
sue@pritchard-ayre.com
by sue@pritchard-ayre.com at September 27, 2004 5:58 PM