how to: paula poundstone guide to childcare

by lizard at 03:07 PM on July 15, 2001

Some of you, hearing the recent news story about Paula Poundstone's arrest on child molestation charges, were horrified & outraged. Others (& you know who you are) were asking yourselves, "how do i get me some o' that hot preteen action, without bein' a famous comedian an' all?" Here are some helpful tips to assist you in your quest:

Try hanging out in the park with a bag of candy, or that other classic kid-magnet, a picture of your cute puppy. You can offer youngsters some candy, ask them to come help look for your puppy, or what the heck, offer the candy as a reward for help with the puppy! It's even more stimulating if you dress for the part: cut off a pair of pants & tie the pantlegs to your thighs, top this off with a trenchcoat & you've got *the look*, plus easy access if you find it necessary to whip out Mr. Winky.

Internet chat rooms are another fantastic resouce for those of you yearning to diddle children. Young people who seek out cyber-companionship are often socially awkward & lonely, vulnerable to the kindness of strangers. You can gradually win their trust as you wait for your opening; perhaps your young friend becomes unhappy at home - there you are, offering escape in the form of a bus ticket, or a cheap motel room if your little buddy is too young to travel alone.

But as we know, many children harbor a deep fear of strangers, so consider trying your luck with kids you know. It helps if you hail from the south, but even if you don't, you can always look to the family -- nieces, nephews, cousins & others already know you, so you don't have to go to all the trouble of tricking them or befriending them. Offer to babysit, give the kids a bath, tuck them in with a nice bedtime story & a little rubdown, & you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you gave mom & dad a break, as a bonus to any other personal satisfaction you derive from such efforts.

If you're willing to make more of a lifestyle commitment, nothing beats volunteer work - as a scoutmaster or camp counselor, you have the opportunity to be alone with your young charges, out in the woods where a sense of adventure lowers inhibitions. For those of you yearning for little boys, the circle jerk is legendary for getting everyone loosened up & making sure they have a little something to be ashamed of - shame is your best defense against kids running home to tell mommy or daddy.

What if that's not enough? What if you need more sweet young stuff than can possibly be had through a mere hobby or even an avocation? Those truly committed to their need for jailbait have often found their calling in a career as a teacher or clergyperson, especially the priesthood. These positions offer maximum control over young minds (& bodies), & assure you a position of trust. Trust is the key, & it will allow you to reach out & inappropriately touch the young flesh you so desperately need.

[disclaimer: this column is presented as a public service by the good folks at bad samaritan, who remind you to lock up your daughters--& your sons, for that matter, or, if you can't do that, for god's sake at least educate them in the ways of predators, so they won't become prey]