how to make friends and influence people : part two

by mg at 08:11 AM on May 07, 2001

Some more job advice from eviltom:

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Indeed, the shoemaker's son is always barefoot. mg, you neophyte. You don’t know the answer, and that's fine, nobody knows all the answers. But in this case, you don’t even know the question. You shouldn’t be asking "should I quit my job or not?"... Your time and energy should go towards figuring out "what's the most entertaining way to get fired?" you're a writer, kid. Getting fired is worth at least one essay, maybe two. Quitting your job is worth 30% off white panties at the Macy's Super Saturday Sale.

Getting fired is fun. You get to say crazy fucked up shit in a work environment. How often does this opportunity come along in a lifetime? Take advantage of it. Be creative. Be more energetic. Here are some ideas...

* go to your neighborhood asian market and buy some pomegranates. Bring them to the office and give them to the C guys as a peace offering of sorts. But they wont know what pomegranates are. So here are things you can say casually... "Hey guys, do you want some pussyfruit?" and "eating the pussyfruit is tricky. Here, I’ll show you how." and "pussyfruits are great, but I hate it when my mouth is all red afterwards."

* I assume you have access to the web page with bios of the CEO, CFO, and the rest of the gang. Replace their headshots with pictures of penises. Show off your JavaScript skills. Make it so that on a mouse hover, you swap in another pic, this one where the penises are a garish hue of radiant purple. Go to the C guys and proudly proclaim, "look! I added dynamic content to our website!"

* Draw a pentagram on your forehead. You can use ash, or you can use feces, both are OK. Don’t use magic markers, that's childish. When someone asks why you have a pentagram on your forehead, become visibly irritated and retort, "that's not a pentagram! It’s the star of michael. Please be more sensitive to my beliefs." this opens up a gamut of crazy ass "religious observances" you can get a way with.

This is just the start. You have lots of room to move. I’ve got some ideas involving 14 year old girls, but posting something like that would blatantly violate the terms of my parole.

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