died dead dying

by mg at 09:05 PM on June 11, 2001

Tim McVeigh is dead.

My boy Justin over at FUBAR is dead. (Though, like Lazarus, I have a feeling he will rise again)

And now my career is dead too.

I think I may have mentioned it before (1|2|3|4|5|6), but I hate my job.

I quit today. Or at least I tried to quit.

I actually said the words "I quit." And with those words, I felt a great weight lifted from my chest. I was finally free.

And unlike all the previous times I've said those words, whether to my own reflection in the mirror in men's bathroom, or the crazy homeless guy who hangs out in the park across the street from work, I actually said it to my boss.

Yet...

Somehow, I find myself having to be back at work again tomorrow.

Damn.

I'd thought I'd been able to release myself from the bonds of slavery that those foul Israelis use to shackle my soul inside a 4 foot by 4 foot cubicle. But they’ve somehow managed to drag me, like a two-bit criminal, back in to the folds of their Hebrew speaking, matzo eating "family."

My boss, his brother (the CFO), and I ended up speaking for more than two hours tonight. And after it all, things somehow ended up being my fault, despite the fact that in a company of seven people, five are unhappy. That only leaves the "dynamic duo" running the company who feel like everything is hunky dory (my fav david bowie album, by the way).

The entire time I’ve been working there, two months now, I’ve had the impression that whatever I’ve said to them has gone in one ear and out the other. This conversation was no exception. So, despite the fact that we talked for more than two hours, I don’t have the impression they heard a single word I said.

For example, I brought up the fact the office environment isn’t very welcoming. The two guys who run the company, as well as two of the other employees speak almost nothing but Hebrew around the office. I remarked how this wasn’t very inclusive of the three other employees who can barely pronounce “Shalom” correctly. Their response? That if I was working in Mexico, I should expect to hear people speaking Spanish. Think about it for a second.

Also, I said that their “process” sucked. Their process includes lying about your research and then one person (the CFO) making everything up as he goes along, ignoring the strong objections of those he’s paying to act as experts (me). Of course, I told them they sucked using much politer and professional verbiage. They said their “process” was the right one because the process used at Razorfish (my former employers), obviously wasn’t the right way to go, because just look at all the failed dot.coms. The process I used at Razorfish, and the process they use EVERYWHERE else in the know universe, includes doing user research before a bit of code has been written, and then basing all subsequent decisions on a combination of user needs, business strategy, technological limitations, and the expertise of those involved in the project.

I told them that I would give them an official two-week notice if I really had to, but that I really didn’t want to. I told them how I came in to work late everyday because I woke up every morning with a stomachache. That for the last couple days, I didn’t do a single second of actual work because all I could think about was how much I hated being there.

Their response? Could I come in tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, at least, just to kind of see if things got better? And fuck me up the ass if I didn’t say “Yes.”

Why, you ask, would I agree to stay someplace that was causing me physical pain? Because I am a dumb ass, plain and simple. And because I have this overwhelming sense of responsibility to them. People always decry the lack of personal responsibility in America these days, but I am scarily responsible. As much as I loathe these people, I feel the need to finish up what I am working on. I don’t know how that’ll possibly happen considering for the last two days I’ve done nothing but alternately surf the web and suffer severe stomach cramps while pretending to work. Hopefully, now that I know my time there will soon be at an end, I can actually get something accomplished, can actually talk to my bosses without feeling nauseous, feel like I’m not such a complete and utter dumb ass.

But here is the more important reason that I agreed to stay the extra time: I’ve got nothing else to do. The job market still sucks and is, if anything, worse now than it was two months ago. If I quit now, I can't collect unimployment, no longer live off the government’s dime, no longer suck Uncle Sam’s milky white teat. You know how scary it is to have no money in the bank, no job, and no prospects of finding a new one anytime soon?

So, I want to leave, have in fact been trying to leave for almost as long as I’ve been working, but I just can’t give up that steady check for complete and utter uncertainty. I don’t want to be just another 25 year-old former web-head living in his parent’s basement. Anyone out there looking for a slightly bruised information architect, web developer and writer?