Here she comes, Miss America!

by anna at 01:26 PM on December 22, 2006

You didn't know the name of Miss USA until The Rosie and the The Donald started flapping their jowels about her.

That isn't the picture one usually sees in news stories about this brouhaha. Seems she has been a little raucous, drinking in bars and maybe a table dance or two. Behavior unbecoming the reigning Miss USA, who definitely isn't to be confused with the more demure Miss America, who was crowned on public access TV. Miss USA the contest has taken the lower road, basically it's degenerated into a pure T&A display. It makes no bones about it and that is why it has ovetaken the older pageant in terms of popularity and ratings.

Hello, she is a 21 year old girl. What would you expect her to do in NY, sew booties? And I love the whole innocent Kentucky gal seduced by the Big Apple thing. She comes from a state with the highest per capita abuse of OxyContin around. She knew her way around a drug den long before alighting at LaGuardia.

Miss USA gets to compete for the presumptuously named Miss Universe title. The hottest gal in the whole damn universe, right here on planet Earth. How about that? Except one thing, she is always some obscurely ethnic looking chick from India or Indonesia or Puerto Rico. This is the prettiest gal bar none? I don't think so.

The whole concept of beauty contests strikes me as so outdated. Okay strut the stage in your evening gowns. Then the unlikely high heels n' swimsuit ensemble (bikini for USA one piece for America.) And lastly, the lap dance competition!

Always with the shoes and swimsuit. From car mag covers to men's magazines, you see it. Models trying to act like it's totally normal to be dressed in such a ridiculous getup.

But it better than nude. Nothing is more boring than stark naked. It leaves nothing to the imagination and thus stifles it. There may even be a Miss Nude USA. But if there is you can bet nobody tunes in. And the contestants are probably sows, like the people you see in nudist colonies. The wrong people are always getting naked or wearing thongs at the beach. Nothing like ass dental floss disappearing into the crack of a Rosie look-alike.

I suppose one could liken the difference between the two contestants as the difference between the wholesome tasteful nudity of Playboy to the beaver shots in Hustler. Two sides of the same sexy coin.

Sexist. The word is sexist not sexy.

So now, predictably, for Tara Conner it's off to rehab just like Lindsey Lohan, who hasn't had a drink in two days. 21 is too young for rehab. 21 is time to enjoy the drinking, drugging and bathroom stall debauchery. Rehab is the thing you do when you're 45 going on deathbed, when 12 drinks just puts you to sleep in the recliner. Rehab time.