Ethnic cleansing is my hobby

by anna at 09:36 AM on December 20, 2006

There is no soap in our home. We are high class. We use body wash to remove the day's funk and grime from our torsos, heads, legs and asses. We have special body wash for our feet. It tingles when applied a dab at a time.

I am not sure when the transition from old-fashioned bar soap (Irish Spring!) to body wash began. Maybe in 2000, when my wife decided it was drying her skin. But at any rate it is here. It is called Ivory Moisturizing Body Wash fresh snow. It is for soft baby smooth skin. Or in French, Gel Hydrantat Pour Le Corps meige fraiche (with a little ^ over the i.) It is our une peau douce et soyeuse, comme celle de bebe (with an accent grave over the second e.) We have either 709 ml or 24 FL OZ LIQ. I am not sure which is the French and which is the English.

My point? Well, you know Ivory is made by Proctor and Gamble and you also know there's this little trend called globalization. P&G operates all over the world. Presumably people in countries other than France, the US and Britain do wash occasionally. How come their languages aren't included? For that matter why aren't all the langauages on there?

Maybe they use different formulas. Perhaps Germans need different chemicals to cleanse the awful stench of bratwurst and beer from their pores. Possibly Mexicans use different soaps to rid themselves of the rank burrito odor from under their arms and crotches. Same goes for Japanese and their day-old sushi stink. (What is the difference between a geisha and a whore? A geisha is Japanese.)

Maybe in Sweden and Norway, people never get dirty. It is so cold they never sweat. What about Israel? Are Jews too niggardly to spring for body wash, as Mel Gibson believes? Does P&G only market its bar version there? Iraq? Maybe you don't need to worry about getting clean there. If you're there it's just a matter of time before you're dead.

How about all the African nations that are always changing names? It is real hot there and people work hard just to survive and stave off the AIDS virus wafting around. And from what I've seen on infomercials they let flies crawl all over them. Flies are dirty. Africans need body wash.

But if they get their hands on a bottle of fresh snow/neige fraiche with the little ^ over the i, they won't be able to read the instructions. Which read: Directions for daily use in shower or bath: Squeeze a small amount of product onto wet puff. Lather and rinse. Or: Mode d'emploi our une utilization quotidienne la douce ou dans la baignoire: Deposer une petite quantite with an accent grace over the e, de gel sur une eponge with an accent grave over the second e mouillee with an accent grace over the second e. Faire mousser puis rinser.

Might as well mosey down to the filthy polluted river and drown yourself.